Damn Those Crocodiles!

The dictionary defines fear as -

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

Over the last few days my emotions have been bouncing around. I thought of how I allowed fear to control my choices through out my life and how it altered the eventual outcome. In my childhood years fear was the restraint that was placed on our hearts and souls. We were the ultimate perfect children. As I matured I looked back to see that in a dysfunctional family there was reign of terror in a moral setting, as if this madness was somehow acceptable, as long as we
walked and talked a certain way.
Maturity comes to you at a young age when your raised in such a disruptive lifestyle. I had a stuborn nature and at seventeen was on my own a child working in a adult world. Some would call it responsible, I felt as if the choices were being controlled by the circumstances that surrounded my life.
Married at nineteen I found that I did everything in my power to prevent violence to shed its ugly head in my life. It reminds me of the adage " you act like a victim, your a victim" . Somewhere along the line we fall into roles, expected or not, we play out the cards dealt.
Yes it could be called" walking on eggs "from day one I thought that something was wrong with me, that maybe what I felt or sensed was just being overly cautious. Without family support you find that you deal with life the only way you know how. Unfortunately childhood
had taught me well to play the game of evasion. This ability to avoid or escape a uncomfortable situation. In many instances I really didn't know what to do, we have this preprogramed dream of what life brings to us and then the awareness of reality.
I looked on at the man paths I could have chosen, each with a varied outcome. Yet somehow as I took it all in I realized that no matter what detour we take we end up where we were always meant to be.
Marriage is meant to be a partner ship but I found that it was more like a childs see- saw, one up the other down and so on. At first I believed this to be the support system that friendship brings to a relationship being there for one and other but unfortunately when the anchor tightens in one direction someone suffers.
As I took a spring hike through the mountains, I faces my own fears and felt the restlessness that was deep seeded inside of me. Feeling very different from those around me, I hungered for some acceptance. Who could see through these eyes and understand where I was coming from.
Fear had become one of the many faces, like the prism of a crystal. In the lights reflection you can see the many facets of choice and how fear controls them.
I faced the darkness........ A passage out of Dear Kim Blake


Dear Kim,

Most of the time I feel so strong I could conquer everything that has stumbled into my path, but then the insecurity sets in and my weakness appears. Thank you for being here, for walking through this journey of awareness with me.

Fear
As a child I raced for the light before “ the crocodiles get me”. At times I find myself still racing for the light in life, afraid of the unknown. This anticipation of danger that causes such a anxiety that it agitates the mind. It is control at its wickedest .Many times people who were aware of my background would say “ you are such a strong person”. I found the most difficult situations to be the easiest to handle , because the unknown factor was missing and I could logically handle illness, insanity and death. It was clear like a deck of cards placed sprawled in front of me. No question to how many cards in the deck , take out one and many questions. Fear the ultimate in control of the unknown. It brings to mind the attack of the woulda, shoulda and coulda. The emotion feeds off of what we can’t see and touch. The ultimate weakness with which all other emotions branch. I find that you cannot separate fear from its counter partners , that of risk,
insecurities , chance , mystery , madness, doubt and confusion. I have fought several fears through out my life, the fear of height and that of dropping a new born. Yet the greatest fear still lurks , the fear of test , the biggest test “ the test of life” on going and always in a state of metamorphose. Now that is the tough one, I can’t see it , I can’t feel it and it constantly challenges me . Where is the light? Damn those crocodiles!

Peace Of Mind

As I spoke with a friend about life and the problems of the world. He said we can’t fix them all and there are so many causes for the heartache. He said it is impossible to find the answers for them all and the negativity will bog u down. It is true that “ one grain of sand does not build mountains .” I thought about my own internal response to life and the stress that each of us are met with. What brings the inner balance, what I call “Peace of Mind” I had written this some time back and I think it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Peace of mind”
I had many times questioned on what initializes happiness. How can we maintain a plateau within our own minds that appreciates the moment of a day? Stress played a significant part in how we handle life. There is a certain amount of personal control that must be addressed. Maintaining goals which realistically can be met. Preparing for the unexpected and accepting who we are and where our life is leading.

The old adages that are so repetitively quoted , originated from the trail and err of many generations before us “ the grass is always greener” and “ the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” To first know what “Peace of Mind “ is , one must know what it’s like not to have just that “peace of mind.” Just how we handle the unexpected intensifies when we confront issues where the answers are not as evident.

Life and the living of life will always predispose us to the unknown and this stimulates the vulnerabilities that rest within each of us. There is a on going list that we can’t alter , sickness, accidents, loss of jobs etc, all these can so morph the state of mental peace within ones own internal being. This always takes us back to choices...The freedom to make choices is sometimes muddle by the fact that rarely is one life not some how dependent upon another ..

A social creature , we are always looking for a certain amount of acceptance , approval or praise. We identify ourselves on a social level by the clothes we wear, where we choose to live and our outward opinions. In many instances it is the classifying of a people. Separating the general populace by a fashion or verbal appearance, styles of music etc . Many people have given this power over their lives, allowing it to have such importance that it controls their own choices.

Preparation is the key of ones success ..like a detailed outline that prepares us for the old adage “ what can happen, will” or “Murphy’s law”. When partnered on a unbalanced level, it is almost impossible for each to understand what has prepped each individual for life. A emotional tired at a young age made me quite aware of the consequences of poor choices and not standing firm with ones own beliefs.

Peace of mind.. when you can lay your head on the pillow and justify your actions of the day, live within your means and accept what comes your way. When you can substantiate that your dreams are real and controlled by no other then but by your own hearts will. When you can accept the differences that meet at the cross road of life and realize the choices are not one of strife. Then you have met with “Peace of mind” and a rest there will be, when you lay your head upon the pillow and can peacefully be free.

The Winter of My Life......

Out of the book" Dear Kim Blake," I find this particular poem describes well what many of us have been through and our struggles to let go of the past and surface beyond the dark clouds.

" The Winter of My Life"

The key to unlocking what the darkness brings is to release the memories trapped inside of me. I thought it was the season that froze me in my tracks, as I was continously afraid of looking back. Lost amongst the thicket and still caught up in the freeze, seized by the moment I had fallen to my knees.I beg the winter to be kind and release me from the past, as the chill is gaining very fast. The season of winter, whispered in my ear, it's not of nature that sent the despair, causing you to feel such rentless fear. The winter that you feel that pierces like a knife it belongs to winter "the winter of your life. "