Look Beyond the Bars Of The Mind

What did I expect would happen if I came out with the stories from childhood? Could something be learned from it? My dearest friend said to me, that there is not a family out there that doesn't have a " skeleton in the closet." He said we all are dysfunctional at something, some of us have more resources, some more intelligence and still others more means to cope.
We are on a journey of experience, where it leads and when, is in some way in the hands of fate. Both good and bad things will happen, people close to us will die, have a car accident, have social issues, drugs, alcohol, mental health.So numerous are our experiences that it would be impossible to list them for every bad one we could list a good one , a child is born , a couple becomes married, a teenager starts their journey and the list goes on.
On this journey we know but one thing, we are born to experience and as we continue on the journey we will build a library of knowledge for the next generation. If we fail to share in this knowledge, then the answers will go unheard and again people will continue to point fingers and blame rather then seek the alternative behavior.
My intent was never on a path of revenge or to place blame. No one is ever sure how they would respond to another crisis, because no matter how similar every situation is , each is just a little bit different. Then how do we learn? We learn that there is opportunity, outreach and self responsibility and most of all we remember that no one is capable of holding the spirit down, for we are free to change the path and to build a better future.
If it were all so black and white, everyone would look the same, react the same and character would no longer exist. But we are different, our thoughts different, our response different with the thread of humanity tying us together. Some of us more emotional others less. Find your strength and build on it, for each of us is just that filled weaknesses and strengths.
I read this article where researchers have found they can use drugs to wipe away single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. By injecting an amnesia drug at the right time, when a subject was recalling a particular thought, neuro-scientists discovered they could disrupt the way the memory is stored and even make it disappear.
I thought what one memory would I want to erase, I couldn't think of one. The worst thing that could happen to a person is to forget a pain physical or emotional. It made me laugh as I remember my first gall bladder attack, rolling around in pain. I quickly learned what not to eat so not to have it reoccur. If we removed memories would we remove the self discipline that comes with memories. My mind was bouncing around as I thought of soldiers and the memories from war that haunted them, yet still I think to forget erases our response to find the answers.
We should forget what our individual hell is , maybe we should try to prevent or learn to deal with it.
I have a few dreams that are recurrent, one is this little girl in a aged old train station, I see her behind the barred windows, I want to let her free. I try to get close to her and the closer I get the quicker she fades away. When I peer into the window, I see a little girls bedroom, perfect and orderly, nothing out of place. Each time I have the dream it happens exactly the same way.When I moved from the city to the rural area, I felt again a closeness to her, like the building now had a location, I looked out where a old foundation had once stood and I could visualize her standing their behind the bars of the window. I have had the same dream since I can remember.

Petals to a rose, thorns

to the stem, each one

discloses, the

beginning

and the

end.

Someone to watch over me....

My father called it discipline, I believe he stepped over the line. Sadistic he was, as he created new ways to carry out this so called discipline. From the razor straps, to his bored holed paddle. At night time when we were all snuggled under the tic blankets that my mother made, we would talk, tell stories and yes sometimes laugh and giggle. Then the voice of thunder “did I say quiet up there?” Then we would count as we heard his foot steps one by one, they had a sound of their own, a kind of slide step, slide step. We quickly pulled the blankets over our head. He called my eldest sister first and then each of us by name, line up. Sometimes beatings seem to have no obvious reasons. He would blame us for my mothers mood swings. It was always our fault.
It wasn’t that my sisters didn’t try to get away, many times they ran away, only to be returned to receive the most outrageous punishments and whippings. I thought I was
granted this special place in the line up the fourth born in a family of five. You didn’t have to tell me twice, I became the pleaser, silent, I dared not rebel. Though it is
common in children to think of running away.
I think how far I traveled alone at such a young age. I remember this one house we lived in, it was fairly close to a television tower. I wanted to see it up close a couple city blocks and a full set of city steps away. I was seven years old and I began to walk, I can remember the unfamiliarity with this walk, but I had that tower in sight and I was determined to get there. It was such a big tower I remember thinking, must be special. Finally at the top of last city step, I looked around at a few cars parked and this huge tower, it didn’t seem so special. Nothing particular was going on. I circled it a few times and then headed back.

I will say most of life I had this feeling of wanting to runaway, until I accepted that no
matter how far you travel, you take this old heavy luggage with you. Piece by piece I
began to review, comprehend as a adult, what a child viewed and tossing out the old, and
replacing it with new memories.

Someone to watch over you..... angels appear through many a disguise.

Sarah Heinz house is a wonderful youth group for inner city children, it was created to give children a alternative to the city streets. I consider heinz house one of the first set of angels working uncover that would enter our lives. Through these doors, waited salvation, opportunity, love, respect and knowledge and for many life long friendships... One day, one year or a lifetime with this organization gifted you with the tools needed to survive. Once inside this safe haven, you had an opportunity to flourish, enjoy and by all means learn.