Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
There is a way out
I find it to be a most frightening realization that the mind is capable of harboring both positive and negative emotions. How many of us have not heard of Jekyll and Hyde? I believe that we are all made of a variety of personalities that is our survival mechanism that allows us to surface through all situations. Unfortunately the mind does go a rye and becomes out of control and there we see that people do have fertile soil of the mind which is capable of growing evil. I find it difficult to understand how love and hatred can grow in the same soil, yet it does and often, one strangles out the other to be the dominate of personalities.
I have always looked at it as the calm before a storm, I found more fear in the positive, loving friendly personality, knowing that at anytime he could change and it was possible that something would set him off. I remember a friend who took one look in his eyes and said he has the eyes of the devil. I do believe that there are powers and sources stronger then we and that evil and good do battle. The army of both good and evil recruit daily to strengthen their hold.
I had looked at this from many levels and wondered exactly what what missing in a personality that was quick to jump to the side of evil. I tried not to dwell, but I must say every time he was close to me, I knew what he was capable of something violent. Some of the memories were animalistic, you teach children not to bite and yet you confront a adult battling and using such a vicious technique to battle. The closer he came to me, the more I feared. I tend to believe it's the extremes that are difficult reminders of what a human is capable of.
One story to many of hostile behavior, destruction and violence, all I can really say is evil does have a foot hold in our community. We can have millions that are law biding, well adjusted individuals but it takes just one to disrupt a whole community. Dwelling on it took me to another level to the seed of evil and how it gets it foot hold in the first place. Then I had to look at the mass of people and realize that IQ, mentality, upbringing and lack of upbringing all played a part on who people are and how they react under stress.
The memories fade but at times I find them surfacing, I laid still in the night and thoughts creeped into all corners of my mind and I imagined all the windows in the house bursting out and shattering at the same time, It was my minds call for help. Help! I said Help!
It is the calm right now, I have been here before, I recognize the pattern that I allow myself to be caught up in. What awaits me, how do I handle it? Maybe I am wrong I tell myself, maybe this time is different, could it be I am just overreacting. Trust yourself, trust instinct, dysfunction is apparent and it frightens me.
I have made changes to control the situations, I had the hand gun dismantled so it no longer could fire, that brought a certain amount of peace to my mind. I also know when hatred is raging that it can carry out its evil in many ways. I wanted to let it all go and to believe I was wrong and that he had changed. My mind flashed back to that moment where he held that loaded gun, ah in the name of love, I can' t live with out you. I was so frightened, he took a beautiful place and introduced it to hell. My eyes swell, but no tears fall. I am stronger and smarter, there is away out and I will not allow senseless emotion to guide me into the arms of evil.
I have always looked at it as the calm before a storm, I found more fear in the positive, loving friendly personality, knowing that at anytime he could change and it was possible that something would set him off. I remember a friend who took one look in his eyes and said he has the eyes of the devil. I do believe that there are powers and sources stronger then we and that evil and good do battle. The army of both good and evil recruit daily to strengthen their hold.
I had looked at this from many levels and wondered exactly what what missing in a personality that was quick to jump to the side of evil. I tried not to dwell, but I must say every time he was close to me, I knew what he was capable of something violent. Some of the memories were animalistic, you teach children not to bite and yet you confront a adult battling and using such a vicious technique to battle. The closer he came to me, the more I feared. I tend to believe it's the extremes that are difficult reminders of what a human is capable of.
One story to many of hostile behavior, destruction and violence, all I can really say is evil does have a foot hold in our community. We can have millions that are law biding, well adjusted individuals but it takes just one to disrupt a whole community. Dwelling on it took me to another level to the seed of evil and how it gets it foot hold in the first place. Then I had to look at the mass of people and realize that IQ, mentality, upbringing and lack of upbringing all played a part on who people are and how they react under stress.
The memories fade but at times I find them surfacing, I laid still in the night and thoughts creeped into all corners of my mind and I imagined all the windows in the house bursting out and shattering at the same time, It was my minds call for help. Help! I said Help!
It is the calm right now, I have been here before, I recognize the pattern that I allow myself to be caught up in. What awaits me, how do I handle it? Maybe I am wrong I tell myself, maybe this time is different, could it be I am just overreacting. Trust yourself, trust instinct, dysfunction is apparent and it frightens me.
I have made changes to control the situations, I had the hand gun dismantled so it no longer could fire, that brought a certain amount of peace to my mind. I also know when hatred is raging that it can carry out its evil in many ways. I wanted to let it all go and to believe I was wrong and that he had changed. My mind flashed back to that moment where he held that loaded gun, ah in the name of love, I can' t live with out you. I was so frightened, he took a beautiful place and introduced it to hell. My eyes swell, but no tears fall. I am stronger and smarter, there is away out and I will not allow senseless emotion to guide me into the arms of evil.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Is it rape or sex between marital couples?
Childhood survivors surfacing as adults and how this plays out in the choices of life. I do believe those who have lived with abuse tend to as adults sway to one side or another, to the extreme. They either do everything in their power to prevent a violent episode or they themselves become an abuser. Due to the fact that children do grow up, I find this topic to be important in the journey of self awareness.
It wasn't unusual for him to come home from work at 2 am, I could hear the door open and close but I am so tired, to tired to fully wake up. The children were sick and I finally after hours of cradling them managed to get them to sleep. Days with out sleep my self I felt extremely exhausted. I know his presence is in the room, working a hard labor job and not showering for days on end, I could smell his body odor, a stench and sweat that turns the stomach.
He climbs into bed and reaches to pull me over," not to night I said, I don't feel so well and I haven't seen sleep in days. "Between his body odor and the filth on his clothes the stench becomes overwhelming " He pulls my hair as he places demands upon me for sex and I no longer can hear the words that come from his mouth, none of them seem to have any impact on the next 30 minutes or more. I am so tired and barely able to free myself from him. I struggle, the more I struggle the more I feel him pin my wrist to the bed, his body forcing, his hold on me tightening. I kick he gets even more angry, please not tonight, I have been up for days with the children. I can't see, my eyes unable to focus " I repeat no no!, please, I see three of you!" Coyly he said " aim for the one in the middle. " As tired as I was my stomach in knots and my head throbbing I found that I was instinctively battling him, no !no !I really can't, I am tired and I feel so sick I repeat. His body forcing and I am kicking him off me time after time. After hours of what he felt was foreplay I lay there tears rolling down my face and allow him to finish. He laughs, he just laughs, I can still hear his laughter he said " I knew you wanted it.
Time after time he repeated the very same episodes, more force and more force, he said" if a man doesn't get sex when he wants it no point in being married and a woman doesn't say no to her husband"
Property or partner? I find it hard to believe that this meeting of the body has anything to do with a partnership. Again the scenario repeats itself , I have a fever temp. over a 104 my body in chills, I feel so weak, I have an infection and I can't stand up, you don't need to stand up he said. I think I need to get to a hospital , he just seem to ignore my need for help as if there was nothing wrong with me, like it was all in my head, women don't get sick. This didn't seem to distant him, a high sexual energy he demanded sex often and that could occur sometimes twice a day. This time there was no battle I couldn't fight, I couldn't struggle. I just laid there as he repeated "yes you really are hot! he said, that's the best sex I ever had." Sex! that was about the most accurate word I had heard not love making but a sexual act. Does this act borderline rape or is it indeed a fact rape or he yet a mans right to his partner?
Many small children, no family and feeling helpless, there was no where to run. I can remember placing the children on the bus and the five of us just circling over and over the same city stops. After years of similar situations, I soon learned to not battle to not give him the fight he so desired. With his request for sex no matter how ill, or how weak I started to except what he considered my role in a marriage and I just lay there, without movement and not speaking a word, I allow him to use my body like an object. His verbal abuse now like daggers "having sex with you is like f**king a mute, I trained you to be a whore he said remember that you are only my whore."
Over the years I felt a curtain ,dark and heavy surround me as the curtain began to lift and I clearly began to gain strength to remove myself from the situation, I then found him like a revolving door his personality changing and he begins to cater to get me into his good graces, a vicious cycle and then I find myself again pregnant and unable to cope, both physically and mentally.
Is some of it cultural do women fear to tell because of their obligation to the marriage and to the children? Do women except this role out of fear or out of ignorance?
The legal definition varies within the United States, marital rape can be defined as any
unwanted intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal,or oral) obtained by force, threat of force, or when the wife is unable to consent (Bergen, 1996;Pagelow, 1984; Russell, 1990). Most studies of marital rape have included couples who are legally married, separated, divorced or cohabiting.
It wasn't until the 1970's society began to acknowledge rape in a marriage and a woman's right to say no. We do know everything about intimate violence as we would like but we are aware that it is a act of aggression and power of one partner upon the other.
Marital rape occurs in all types of marriages regardless of age, social class, race or ethnicity.
In the largest study, Russell (1990) found that women were raped by their partners at a variety of ages; however, almost two-thirds of the wives were first raped by their husbands when they were under the age of 25.
Rape in marriage is an act of violence - an abuse of power by which a husband attempts to establish dominance and control over his wife. Husband-rapist are often men portrayed as
jealous men who find power in dominating their " property" they feel an entitlement that marriage gives them the license to do with what they want.
After many years I have no physical wounds to display, to the outer community there is no signs of gray or bruising. But inside my heart bleeds and my soul felt the abuse of both his verbal and physical memory.
" Sleeping with the Enemy" introduces us to fear, shame and embarrassment and a wound forced to remain open as it continuously lacerated. If nothing else here is a blatant example of lack of respect to another human being and if nothing else we all deserve to be respected.
I felt a need to speak about this so as that I may remove the chains and free my soul.
It wasn't unusual for him to come home from work at 2 am, I could hear the door open and close but I am so tired, to tired to fully wake up. The children were sick and I finally after hours of cradling them managed to get them to sleep. Days with out sleep my self I felt extremely exhausted. I know his presence is in the room, working a hard labor job and not showering for days on end, I could smell his body odor, a stench and sweat that turns the stomach.
He climbs into bed and reaches to pull me over," not to night I said, I don't feel so well and I haven't seen sleep in days. "Between his body odor and the filth on his clothes the stench becomes overwhelming " He pulls my hair as he places demands upon me for sex and I no longer can hear the words that come from his mouth, none of them seem to have any impact on the next 30 minutes or more. I am so tired and barely able to free myself from him. I struggle, the more I struggle the more I feel him pin my wrist to the bed, his body forcing, his hold on me tightening. I kick he gets even more angry, please not tonight, I have been up for days with the children. I can't see, my eyes unable to focus " I repeat no no!, please, I see three of you!" Coyly he said " aim for the one in the middle. " As tired as I was my stomach in knots and my head throbbing I found that I was instinctively battling him, no !no !I really can't, I am tired and I feel so sick I repeat. His body forcing and I am kicking him off me time after time. After hours of what he felt was foreplay I lay there tears rolling down my face and allow him to finish. He laughs, he just laughs, I can still hear his laughter he said " I knew you wanted it.
Time after time he repeated the very same episodes, more force and more force, he said" if a man doesn't get sex when he wants it no point in being married and a woman doesn't say no to her husband"
Property or partner? I find it hard to believe that this meeting of the body has anything to do with a partnership. Again the scenario repeats itself , I have a fever temp. over a 104 my body in chills, I feel so weak, I have an infection and I can't stand up, you don't need to stand up he said. I think I need to get to a hospital , he just seem to ignore my need for help as if there was nothing wrong with me, like it was all in my head, women don't get sick. This didn't seem to distant him, a high sexual energy he demanded sex often and that could occur sometimes twice a day. This time there was no battle I couldn't fight, I couldn't struggle. I just laid there as he repeated "yes you really are hot! he said, that's the best sex I ever had." Sex! that was about the most accurate word I had heard not love making but a sexual act. Does this act borderline rape or is it indeed a fact rape or he yet a mans right to his partner?
Many small children, no family and feeling helpless, there was no where to run. I can remember placing the children on the bus and the five of us just circling over and over the same city stops. After years of similar situations, I soon learned to not battle to not give him the fight he so desired. With his request for sex no matter how ill, or how weak I started to except what he considered my role in a marriage and I just lay there, without movement and not speaking a word, I allow him to use my body like an object. His verbal abuse now like daggers "having sex with you is like f**king a mute, I trained you to be a whore he said remember that you are only my whore."
Over the years I felt a curtain ,dark and heavy surround me as the curtain began to lift and I clearly began to gain strength to remove myself from the situation, I then found him like a revolving door his personality changing and he begins to cater to get me into his good graces, a vicious cycle and then I find myself again pregnant and unable to cope, both physically and mentally.
Is some of it cultural do women fear to tell because of their obligation to the marriage and to the children? Do women except this role out of fear or out of ignorance?
The legal definition varies within the United States, marital rape can be defined as any
unwanted intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal,or oral) obtained by force, threat of force, or when the wife is unable to consent (Bergen, 1996;Pagelow, 1984; Russell, 1990). Most studies of marital rape have included couples who are legally married, separated, divorced or cohabiting.
It wasn't until the 1970's society began to acknowledge rape in a marriage and a woman's right to say no. We do know everything about intimate violence as we would like but we are aware that it is a act of aggression and power of one partner upon the other.
Marital rape occurs in all types of marriages regardless of age, social class, race or ethnicity.
In the largest study, Russell (1990) found that women were raped by their partners at a variety of ages; however, almost two-thirds of the wives were first raped by their husbands when they were under the age of 25.
Rape in marriage is an act of violence - an abuse of power by which a husband attempts to establish dominance and control over his wife. Husband-rapist are often men portrayed as
jealous men who find power in dominating their " property" they feel an entitlement that marriage gives them the license to do with what they want.
After many years I have no physical wounds to display, to the outer community there is no signs of gray or bruising. But inside my heart bleeds and my soul felt the abuse of both his verbal and physical memory.
" Sleeping with the Enemy" introduces us to fear, shame and embarrassment and a wound forced to remain open as it continuously lacerated. If nothing else here is a blatant example of lack of respect to another human being and if nothing else we all deserve to be respected.
I felt a need to speak about this so as that I may remove the chains and free my soul.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Revenge
We are our own worst enemy
Speaking with my elder sister, I found her pain, her disappointment and I found that her anger had her on the path of revenge. Is she revenging a wrong or is her resentment getting the better of her spirit? Let it go I said, the sooner you quit punishing your self, the sooner you will heal. She said I have to do it, I have them make them pay.
Something horrible is brewing within in the family, the vengeance in which she is planning on taking will do nothing but disrupt every one's life. My first thoughts are why is she doing this? It's much like misdirected anger, I find she wants to inflict a punishment on family members who indeed crossed the path of injustice. I asked her what will come of it, what do you think you will gain by allowing anger and hatred a place in your heart and soul? Revenge she said, they will pay it is my revenge.
I felt troubled at her words, I felt as if she was taking advantage of a mental health issue of someone who is now gone. So if your not helping yourself and your not helping the person who was desperately in need, then who are you hurting? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to wish it all away. The turmoil within me is cautious as if there maybe truth to what she says, will she be stopping another hell from happening or encouraging another chapter that consist of page after page of the unthinkable.
I gave it some thought she is talking murder and health issues, if there is truth who will suffer next from the hands of evil and if there is no truth to her accusations, how many family's will suffer from such direct vengeance?
The negativity of the last few weeks is overwhelming and it drains the spirit. Part of me doesn't want the horror to come out. If a person speaks many times the same story, does the story to them gain some measure of reality for them? I see a family drowning with no help to be found, surely they will be there own demise.
Truly it is becoming a horror flick in the making. Where does vengeance fit in, with those who need mental help. With many people independtly giving me their side of the story, I view many beginnings and many endings to the hell that waits.
Nothing good will come of this so revenge, only pain, hatred and evil.
Speaking with my elder sister, I found her pain, her disappointment and I found that her anger had her on the path of revenge. Is she revenging a wrong or is her resentment getting the better of her spirit? Let it go I said, the sooner you quit punishing your self, the sooner you will heal. She said I have to do it, I have them make them pay.
Something horrible is brewing within in the family, the vengeance in which she is planning on taking will do nothing but disrupt every one's life. My first thoughts are why is she doing this? It's much like misdirected anger, I find she wants to inflict a punishment on family members who indeed crossed the path of injustice. I asked her what will come of it, what do you think you will gain by allowing anger and hatred a place in your heart and soul? Revenge she said, they will pay it is my revenge.
I felt troubled at her words, I felt as if she was taking advantage of a mental health issue of someone who is now gone. So if your not helping yourself and your not helping the person who was desperately in need, then who are you hurting? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to wish it all away. The turmoil within me is cautious as if there maybe truth to what she says, will she be stopping another hell from happening or encouraging another chapter that consist of page after page of the unthinkable.
I gave it some thought she is talking murder and health issues, if there is truth who will suffer next from the hands of evil and if there is no truth to her accusations, how many family's will suffer from such direct vengeance?
The negativity of the last few weeks is overwhelming and it drains the spirit. Part of me doesn't want the horror to come out. If a person speaks many times the same story, does the story to them gain some measure of reality for them? I see a family drowning with no help to be found, surely they will be there own demise.
Truly it is becoming a horror flick in the making. Where does vengeance fit in, with those who need mental help. With many people independtly giving me their side of the story, I view many beginnings and many endings to the hell that waits.
Nothing good will come of this so revenge, only pain, hatred and evil.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
There is a horrible similarity in many of these stories below they were all trying to divorce, get away or somehow break the cycle of abuse....
-
Twenty four year old Anna Marie Lutz was murdered by her live in thirty eight year old boyfriend. You won't hear big headline st...
-
No sooner do you think you have reached up over the mountain to see beyond the horizon, then you meet with another mountain to climb.
