It's ok to be me

The power of words, they can lift you up to the clouds and make you feel like a queen or they can pierce through your heart with such negativity that it erodes your self respect. I was never tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough and the list goes on. I felt always as if I had to be on the defense all the time. I am not really sure what happen, and sometimes like a bad game of chutes and ladder's I sometimes slip back into old mode of thinking.
I am not sure exactly the sequence of events that allowed me to feel a certain amount of self acceptance. I think it was a combination of timing, age, friendship and a understanding of mental health issues and how they effect a whole family. But I know it's ok to be me!
I have many challenges to tackle in my life, I still battle thoughts of wanting to runaway on a daily basis. I know that where ever I go, what ever I do , my thoughts, my emotions and my battles will follow. I promise myself that I would stand up for what is right, that I would make a difference in peoples lives. A lot has to do with the children, their stability has been the utmost of importance, that they had a chance to break the cycles and have a stronger foundations as they journey out into a new life for themselves.
I feel split and spread in different directions, what is right for me, what is right for the children and what is right for all involved as a family.

It's Okay To Be Me

I'll never be taller then five foot two,
and my eyes will never be brown,
they will always be blue.

I don't need to dye my hair, unless
I don' t like what I see in the mirror.

Weight on , weight off, heavy or thin,
it's okay to have a treat, ice cream
is not a sin.

Curls in the hair or washed and dried
straight, it ok to be me and not be a
fake.

To sing and dance and dream and soar,
no walls of brick or locked metal doors.

It is ok to smile and surely to laugh
and I treasure each moment in case
it's my last.

It's ok to believe that tomorrow will
bring a new path to follow and a new
journey to begin.

It.s okay to be me, to live and to love
and to feel the happiness returned
on the flight wings of a dove.

It's okay to be me, I am not perfect
it's true, but with good thoughts and
a warm heart, it will just have to do.



I think that if everyone viewed their being as one with the world around them, accepted what is, for as long as we don't shame or aim the words that would bring pain to another, then we have accomplished in bringing
a little love into another's life. Becareful what you aim at another it has a cruel way of returning........when you least expect it.

Before you condemn, criticize or find fault,
take a step back and put the daggers to a halt.

Take a look in the mirror and look real hard ,
before you point fingers and tear others apart.

Look at your heart, glance at your soul, view
the emptiness that surely took hold.

I think it is sad when fear is the motivator or

that which places a restriction on the soul .

When you have been stripped of the usual tools of survival,
you find it more difficult to walk away.

~~

Walking many miles without direction is as good as not walking at all.

Love is not ownership

It is very difficult to see the rise of the water

when it's over your head.

~~

If you have ever looked at the worst situation you were ever in, surrounded by negativity you find that you see very few choices. As you step outside the perimeters of the mental curtains that block view, you find that your eyes focus and a clearer picture of the situation surfaces. When we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed and brought down to a level of confusion, we find that the struggle is nothing more then treading in rough waters, quickly we tire.
Denial is a cruel little tool that emotion uses to avoid the inevitable. We clearly see our choices but we allow a barricade of bricks to build up around us. What is it we fear most? "What do we fear but fear itself." I find when two people are viewing life on a different plateau, that hope and faith must be redirected. If they choose to stand idle in the center of a storm, no amount of reaching will pull their partner to safe shelter. I found this to be interesting, I read it many years back " when a person enters into a relationship with the hope to change their partner, either one of two things happen, they fail and realize that no amount of coaxing can change or encourage a person to grow, unless they also want it or they succeed in bringing change on their partner just to watch them walk away." Either way walking into a relationship thinking you can bring about change in another rarely ever works.
I found this story a couple of years back about a women who was strong enough to walk away and counsel many women in abusive situations, only to be murdered by her x husband. We use to think it was a Pennsylvania problem, men who think marriage is ownership and the more I read, the more people I talk with the more I see it is a world wide problem. If you have a chance view the story http://efstew.tripod.com/Rachel.html

It is called respect you cannot have a partnership without mutual respect for one and other.
Trust just as important, without trust you have already fallen off the first step of a good relationship. Anytime fear enters a relationship for any reason, it becomes a warden and prisoner. I thought to myself why would anyone want a person who doesn't want to be there.
Life with out smiles, joy and happiness. I might be a bit Idealistic but as short as life is if you cannot be happy then you are already dead.
I have been there, where I felt dead, just a spectacle of a mere existence. Living the life someone else deem to be the path I follow. When I looked at myself, I barely recognized who I had become. Someone's mother another's wife and a huge part of me was dead.

Bob Dylan - The Times they are A-changin' -1965

Many ways we relate when we have grown up in a particular era. I heard I heard the phrase many times, but never really comprehended it " the generation gap." The problems my mother faced were unique to that time frame, when divorce wasn't heard of and well a woman's place was in the home, I think for my generation, we were tested with extreme change in motion. Freedom was coming to both women and minorities. I look at the my children and the times they are growing up in, it is filled with the pros and cons that we all met up with, packaged a little differently.
When one of the children would say not me....... our response would me "Never say never" Times they are a changing. In every time period you will see both good and bath. To much freedom is like giving people a rope to hang themselves, stifle them and creativity is crushed. Is there a middle ground? I really don't know, simply because if your living life your experiencing both the good and bad of it all.

Life is this huge puzzle with all the pieces scattered, as we journey we fill in the missing pieces. I am not sure if it is ever completed, as our children grow, learn and reach out to find their own pieces to the endless puzzle of life. .

No one Ever said Life Would Be Easy.....

Dear Matty,
We do the best we can in any given situation, what is best for ourselves and our children. Each child views and comprehends life in their own way. The adage" out of the mouth babes" Children are not born to lie, they are taught to lie. So through the eyes of youth we see their reality as they view it, the innocence uncomplicated. The value of being a good listener is as important as being a good speaker.
On the main stage of life we have what we need to get through any given situation. But there are the visions of more, our personal needs, those of our children. It is not a easy situation for any parent who must surface from a divorce. Depending on each individuals needs, they have many obstacles to over come and it's not that the children are being overlooked in a situation, but that we can only do so much.
There are no easy answers because as similar as life may seem to each of us, it is very unique, as unique as each individual Yet it is the repetition of similarity of any given situation that pulls
us together and teaches us what road we shall travel next or how best we can travel it.
I looked back at my son who is now twenty five years old and there were situations that I was not so happy with in his childhood. I had three sons at the time, the children were 1 , 5 and 7 years of age. I can only tell you that life always seemed to be to be this huge struggle. What was meant to be a family outing stands out in my mind as a very sad memory. We were out on a picnic, the children excited carrying fishing rods and I was carry the baby supplies the picnic basket blankets etc. The little one needed to go the bathroom and I should have stopped what I was doing, but I continued on. My eldest was soon to be eight years old and his father yelled loudly give your mother a hand. He expected the children to fill in the position where I felt it was a fathers responsibility or a mother..I always was so tired... it was such the struggle. The boys didn't handle the situation as their father expected them too. They were so exited they wanted to run and play. He was old school their worth based on the duties fulfilled. We crossed many times on the issue of discipline. Was it discipline or abuse?He started to swing the rods at the children, move faster I told you to help your mother. The younger one jumped and caught the bruising of the rod, my oldest always seem to stand up to his father stood staunch without flinching and as I yelled for him to stop, I saw the rod whip him as blood ran down his thighs.
Situations like that were not everyday, there is rage and the calm, like a bad game. I never stood by and allowed my children to be abused and many times I stood between them. As more children came along I was now more aware and less likely to allow his violent outrage to touch the children. It was very much like a yo yo and up and down scenario.
I learned quickly that I had to defend my children, to protect them, I was their mother, home is one of comfort not of fear. The situations with the younger became more verbal then physical, I threaten to take the children and never look back.
I can remember the very first event I ever did, there we were my daughter and I for the first time out on our own. It was a wonderful mother daughter bonding. Out of the mouth of babes, " momma when are we going to have enough money for our own apartment. I don't want to go home." Each sell she counted the money, I tried to explain to her, this pays one month what will pay for another. She cried the whole trip home, she said I thought I'd miss the animals, she said I didn't miss anything. I wanted for my children to have the stability I did not, but at what price? Isolation is the tool of the controller, keep them away from people and cut off the outreach, no connection no help. You feel as if you have no where to turn. It took years for me to get beyond my own fears, it took the listening ear of a friend to help build my own confidence. I was forty eight years old when I finally stood up for myself and with outside help learned to drive and for the first time I now had a drivers license. It was one brick in the wall down.
No matter how much you try to hide from children, they know more then you can imagine. She is not only my daughter she is my best friend, and a God given gift. One day I said how did I end up so lucky to have you as a daughter and why this late in my life? She looked at me with that angelic smile of hers and she said, " because God knew you would need me now, as much as I need you" She is a child way beyond her age and I try not to rob her of that. I think at times we
are growing up together, she is teaching me more about life and myself then I ever imagined.
I think my two eldest children paid for my immaturity, as I did not know how to handle the situation. But strong you become and you realize how important it is to stand up for yourself and your children.. Perfect people, that just doesn't exist, we are just people. living learning and
experiencing life. But most of all with all my faults I wanted my children to know one thing and one thing above all I have always and will always love them.

There are many kinds of chains,
the worst are those that hold closed the mind.
~~

There are many women closed off from sources of help, from a listening ear, from family, from self help programs, and then their are as many who just live in fear, afraid to make the move afraid of the consequences. It is not a issue of weakness or strength, it has to do more with filling in the missing pieces of the puzzle. We all learn at different paces, some sooner then others...


Out of the mouth babes,

My eldest son said " I thought we were the perfect family, any punishment I received I deserved. "
My second born said, " He is a old sick man"
My third born said, " That like pack wolves the eldest male controls the pack... "scary thought there.
My forth born, " visions of grandeur"
My fifth born said" you have two hands and I have two hands, that means you have four"
My sixth born " I don't like him, anymore then he likes me"

Six children, six different views.......


As I end this, I want to thank you for responding, I was touched Matty by your heartfelt response to a emotional and personal time of your life. It takes courage and love for oneself to
tread in untraveled waters. Every child views life from their perspective, a mother does what she thinks is best not for one child but for all the children. It is obvious your love for your children and the journey you accepted as you stood to make a choice for all involved. You should feel a sense of pride, for each of your children carries with them your love. We have a habit as mothers to compare our children one to the other, it's human nature... but look at is as more that each is walking their own path, choosing a direction. The beauty of Character is the diversity that surfaces. I just wanted to say there is a heavy burden placed on a mother who raises sons without a father figure. I said Lord what are you doing? I know nothing about raising boys. I taught them how to cook and a full range of household responsibilities, I taught them to see through my eyes, but how I wished they had a male mentor to teach them what a man should know. I remember when my first born went out on his own, he said Mum it's not like" the world according to Mother." I felt that I gave them my values of life, " treat those as you would like to be treated, show respect for your elders, what goes around comes around and
keep your nose clean and your zipper up. "