I am frightened of my thoughts and I can't see beyond the darkness.

Somethings We Never Forget, nor should we!!!

It was the first year of marriage not even six months into it and I knew the difference between right and wrong. It had already lacked the first foundation blocks of respect. From waking him up in the morning for work and running to lock myself in the bathroom so he wouldn't pull my hair and punch. His excuse was that he was overly tired. There were other red flags that continued to show themselves. I wanted out, I didn't want to try and figure it out, I didn't want to continue on a path that I had already been born into.
I remember the day clearly, I said we need to talk, my first words to him were, this is not how I expected marriage, I think we need to call it quits before we go any further. It's not about love I said, it is about right and wrong. A different man stood before me, his features changing. He pulled my hair and pushed my face close to him, tears streamed down his eyes, and slowly he repeated the words " no one makes a fool of me, not even you, you are going nowhere!!! alive that is. " That was the very first set of invisible bars that were placed in front of me. The bars of fear, standing on the platform of Pity. He did make an effort, to some degree anyway, to change. The next year we rarely saw each other, I worked full time, he worked full time.
It would have been the second anniversary that I would remember the first time, he would hit hard enough to draw blood. I now understand more about abuse and the stages of violence to the honeymoon phase, and how it all plays on your emotions and consciousness. I would have to say that there was fear in staying and a fear in leaving, the Jekyll and Hyde personalities are complicated to deal with. Somehow they are able to convince you, that your the one at fault.
To a certain degree the more you allow, the more doors of disrespect you open, as physical abuse was limited, "as I told him never again will you touch me, do you hear me?? "This is where control became much more an issue, limiting contact with other people, and verbal abuse, both which eat away at the soul.
Why we do what we do, societal view of failure, the you made your bed, you lie in it philosophy, she must have deserved it mentality, ignorance, pride, insecurity, but definetly not stupid.
It is for Jessie who I write this, her husband sits in prison for beating her, she hides in fear for the day he is released. She has these big beautiful gray eyes and warm smile and she definetly does not deserve all that she has been going through. Because of the courts and her two children, she will never completely be able to go into hiding, as believe it or not, despite his extreme violence he still has rights as their father. My heart breaks for that which I can do so little about, other then to raise consciousness, that no human being deserves to be treated with so little respect for life.
The fuzzy shades of right and wrong cross cultural barriers, but whether it be intimidation, verbal abuse, or physical violence, no one!!! not child, nor man or woman, deserve to be treated in away that strikes out with fear on the heart and soul or physical being. So for all the Jessie's in the world, who have found the courage to stand up and fight back through the system, may the system not abandon them.
It isn't easy to reach out and help those in need, but it can be done. I was walking home from work it was starting to get a little gray and a man and woman seem to be in their late 20's were physically struggling. No one seem to be around, let her go!, he burst out in anger, " mind my own business. " I said let her go or I am calling the police. He released her for a moment and she ran up to main street. Was I frightened of interfering in a situation I was uncomfortable with? Yes, but I would have been more upset had I not intervened. How many times do we close our eyes as to not be involved? How many times do we turn our head? How many times do we say they deserve what is coming to them? How many times do we say it won't happen to us? How many times do we stereo type? How many times will the cyle of abuse carry over? How many must die,before as a whole we really care?

Children learn what they live

The influence of the nesting years will last a lifetime. We hold the keys that will mold future generations. The good and bad is of our own making and it is up to us to accept our responsibility for rewriting tomorrow. Everyone comes with a level of potential to give back positively to society. What role we play in it rises from the nurture factor, we have the ability to spiritually manipulate hearts, transforming an individual. The platform of life that is built strong and adhered with love, brings stability, with stability all is possible to achieve.


CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism,he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear,he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with pity,he learns to feel sorry for himself.
If a child lives with ridicule,he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy,he learns what envy is.
If a child lives with shame,he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement,he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with tolerance,he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with praise,he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance,he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval,he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition,he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing,he learns about generosity.
If a child lives with honesty and fairness,he learns what truth and justice are.
If a child lives with security,he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.
If a child lives with friendliness,he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.
If you live with serenity,your child will live with peace of mind.

With what is your child living?

Mother

It wasn't until I found myself stumbling that I understood her fall, grasped aimlessly that I sensed her struggles and listened to the silence that I acknowledged her cries. Only a fool sits in judgement when the walls of circumstance are layered so heavy that people from outside can't see in and the people on the inside can't see out.
.

Dream On - Aerosmith - MTV Unplugged

There is a way out

I find it to be a most frightening realization that the mind is capable of harboring both positive and negative emotions. How many of us have not heard of Jekyll and Hyde? I believe that we are all made of a variety of personalities that is our survival mechanism that allows us to surface through all situations. Unfortunately the mind does go a rye and becomes out of control and there we see that people do have fertile soil of the mind which is capable of growing evil. I find it difficult to understand how love and hatred can grow in the same soil, yet it does and often, one strangles out the other to be the dominate of personalities.
I have always looked at it as the calm before a storm, I found more fear in the positive, loving friendly personality, knowing that at anytime he could change and it was possible that something would set him off. I remember a friend who took one look in his eyes and said he has the eyes of the devil. I do believe that there are powers and sources stronger then we and that evil and good do battle. The army of both good and evil recruit daily to strengthen their hold.
I had looked at this from many levels and wondered exactly what what missing in a personality that was quick to jump to the side of evil. I tried not to dwell, but I must say every time he was close to me, I knew what he was capable of something violent. Some of the memories were animalistic, you teach children not to bite and yet you confront a adult battling and using such a vicious technique to battle. The closer he came to me, the more I feared. I tend to believe it's the extremes that are difficult reminders of what a human is capable of.
One story to many of hostile behavior, destruction and violence, all I can really say is evil does have a foot hold in our community. We can have millions that are law biding, well adjusted individuals but it takes just one to disrupt a whole community. Dwelling on it took me to another level to the seed of evil and how it gets it foot hold in the first place. Then I had to look at the mass of people and realize that IQ, mentality, upbringing and lack of upbringing all played a part on who people are and how they react under stress.
The memories fade but at times I find them surfacing, I laid still in the night and thoughts creeped into all corners of my mind and I imagined all the windows in the house bursting out and shattering at the same time, It was my minds call for help. Help! I said Help!
It is the calm right now, I have been here before, I recognize the pattern that I allow myself to be caught up in. What awaits me, how do I handle it? Maybe I am wrong I tell myself, maybe this time is different, could it be I am just overreacting. Trust yourself, trust instinct, dysfunction is apparent and it frightens me.
I have made changes to control the situations, I had the hand gun dismantled so it no longer could fire, that brought a certain amount of peace to my mind. I also know when hatred is raging that it can carry out its evil in many ways. I wanted to let it all go and to believe I was wrong and that he had changed. My mind flashed back to that moment where he held that loaded gun, ah in the name of love, I can' t live with out you. I was so frightened, he took a beautiful place and introduced it to hell. My eyes swell, but no tears fall. I am stronger and smarter, there is away out and I will not allow senseless emotion to guide me into the arms of evil.

If I don't win and he does, I die.

I have felt a part of me has been dead for many years.