Where did I fit in this madness? my father considered me fragile, he had literally said I was weak. I had the normal bouts of illness, childhood diseases and such, but I drew concern, as I didn’t conform to the violence well. There was definitely fear and confusion but at six years old, I couldn’t control from shaking. So much so that my first grade teacher noticed. Sent to the principals office, they called home, my mother was summoned to school.We don’t want her back to school until she is seen by a doctor. Our family doctor was this big German man, he wore glasses a bit heavy set and spoke broken English. My mother explained to him school wanted a release for me to return. In his heavy brogue, he said “ the little girl can’t take this, stop the shit.” A red flag, crazy enough to abuse, smart enough to hide it. The last thing they wanted was authorities alerted.

My sister compared me to a china doll, she had really sweet thoughts as she spoke. I became more shielded then most of the children in the family. I can’t tell you how many times, I heard my sister called take her to the park or something. They knew that the argument was escalating and that it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. I learned quickly how to walk on eggs shells and avoid any confrontation that would make my father explode. But it didn’t slow his attitude and
violence from striking out at everyone else.

It wasn’t that my mother didn’t try to get my father out of her life, he was the ultimate leach, sucking the life from her. Times clouded at best, she was hospitalized several times, they separated several times and he always came back. It was the ultimate hate, love relationship if there ever was one...

Rare that I remember her to be a gentle loving mother, she was out of more then all together there. One night mother lay down beside me in bed and she left the knife under the pillow, I woke up that morning saw it there as I made the bed afraid to touch it, fluffed the pillow and made the bed. I had spoken with her some thirty years after it happen. I asked why, why she didn’t walk way? She said that for many a men marriage was ownership and he wasn’t letting go.

When the attraction becomes fatal..... the children pay the price.