Tuesday, May 27, 2008

If I don't win and he does, I die.
I have felt a part of me has been dead for many years.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Is it rape or sex between marital couples?

Childhood survivors surfacing as adults and how this plays out in the choices of life. I do believe those who have lived with abuse tend to as adults sway to one side or another, to the extreme. They either do everything in their power to prevent a violent episode or they themselves become an abuser. Due to the fact that children do grow up, I find this topic to be important in the journey of self awareness.

It wasn't unusual for him to come home from work at 2 am, I could hear the door open and close but I am so tired, to tired to fully wake up. The children were sick and I finally after hours of cradling them managed to get them to sleep. Days with out sleep my self I felt extremely exhausted. I know his presence is in the room, working a hard labor job and not showering for days on end, I could smell his body odor, a stench and sweat that turns the stomach.
He climbs into bed and reaches to pull me over," not to night I said, I don't feel so well and I haven't seen sleep in days. "Between his body odor and the filth on his clothes the stench becomes overwhelming " He pulls my hair as he places demands upon me for sex and I no longer can hear the words that come from his mouth, none of them seem to have any impact on the next 30 minutes or more. I am so tired and barely able to free myself from him. I struggle, the more I struggle the more I feel him pin my wrist to the bed, his body forcing, his hold on me tightening. I kick he gets even more angry, please not tonight, I have been up for days with the children. I can't see, my eyes unable to focus " I repeat no no!, please, I see three of you!" Coyly he said " aim for the one in the middle. " As tired as I was my stomach in knots and my head throbbing I found that I was instinctively battling him, no !no !I really can't, I am tired and I feel so sick I repeat. His body forcing and I am kicking him off me time after time. After hours of what he felt was foreplay I lay there tears rolling down my face and allow him to finish. He laughs, he just laughs, I can still hear his laughter he said " I knew you wanted it.
Time after time he repeated the very same episodes, more force and more force, he said" if a man doesn't get sex when he wants it no point in being married and a woman doesn't say no to her husband"
Property or partner? I find it hard to believe that this meeting of the body has anything to do with a partnership. Again the scenario repeats itself , I have a fever temp. over a 104 my body in chills, I feel so weak, I have an infection and I can't stand up, you don't need to stand up he said. I think I need to get to a hospital , he just seem to ignore my need for help as if there was nothing wrong with me, like it was all in my head, women don't get sick. This didn't seem to distant him, a high sexual energy he demanded sex often and that could occur sometimes twice a day. This time there was no battle I couldn't fight, I couldn't struggle. I just laid there as he repeated "yes you really are hot! he said, that's the best sex I ever had." Sex! that was about the most accurate word I had heard not love making but a sexual act. Does this act borderline rape or is it indeed a fact rape or he yet a mans right to his partner?
Many small children, no family and feeling helpless, there was no where to run. I can remember placing the children on the bus and the five of us just circling over and over the same city stops. After years of similar situations, I soon learned to not battle to not give him the fight he so desired. With his request for sex no matter how ill, or how weak I started to except what he considered my role in a marriage and I just lay there, without movement and not speaking a word, I allow him to use my body like an object. His verbal abuse now like daggers "having sex with you is like f**king a mute, I trained you to be a whore he said remember that you are only my whore."
Over the years I felt a curtain ,dark and heavy surround me as the curtain began to lift and I clearly began to gain strength to remove myself from the situation, I then found him like a revolving door his personality changing and he begins to cater to get me into his good graces, a vicious cycle and then I find myself again pregnant and unable to cope, both physically and mentally.
Is some of it cultural do women fear to tell because of their obligation to the marriage and to the children? Do women except this role out of fear or out of ignorance?

The legal definition varies within the United States, marital rape can be defined as any
unwanted intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal,or oral) obtained by force, threat of force, or when the wife is unable to consent (Bergen, 1996;Pagelow, 1984; Russell, 1990). Most studies of marital rape have included couples who are legally married, separated, divorced or cohabiting.
It wasn't until the 1970's society began to acknowledge rape in a marriage and a woman's right to say no. We do know everything about intimate violence as we would like but we are aware that it is a act of aggression and power of one partner upon the other.

Marital rape occurs in all types of marriages regardless of age, social class, race or ethnicity.
In the largest study, Russell (1990) found that women were raped by their partners at a variety of ages; however, almost two-thirds of the wives were first raped by their husbands when they were under the age of 25.

Rape in marriage is an act of violence - an abuse of power by which a husband attempts to establish dominance and control over his wife. Husband-rapist are often men portrayed as
jealous men who find power in dominating their " property" they feel an entitlement that marriage gives them the license to do with what they want.

After many years I have no physical wounds to display, to the outer community there is no signs of gray or bruising. But inside my heart bleeds and my soul felt the abuse of both his verbal and physical memory.

" Sleeping with the Enemy" introduces us to fear, shame and embarrassment and a wound forced to remain open as it continuously lacerated. If nothing else here is a blatant example of lack of respect to another human being and if nothing else we all deserve to be respected.

I felt a need to speak about this so as that I may remove the chains and free my soul.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

What is the best decision to stay because of
the children or to leave because of the children?