Tuesday, January 17, 2017

" The Last Mohican"

I am not one to place blame but I do think my siblings really didn't have a chance at a life without turmoil. You read about breaking the cycle of abuse and in many ways though not impossible it is quite difficult. It has a lot to do with survival skills and how to handle the down side of life. When you are not taught how to handle stress , you find yourself falling into patterns of familiarity.
I myself have never been a winter person . It is the dark with gray skies, the down time and to much to time to think that triggers the negativity that weighs the soul down.
I find myself saying goodbye over and over in my mind. By the time I put one death to rest I find myself dealing with another. I have always looked at my brother and sisters through the eyes of a ten year old. The age where you have one foot in childhood and one in adulthood and where hope still stands a chance.

How many tears must fall
to erase the pain and ache?
Where memories flourish
and sorrow deep remains.

Can't rewrite history,
nor alter the script called life,
moving forward with the day
in hopes of making it right.

I wiped the tear of sorrow.
moved it from my cheek
and in my heart it still remains
in the time that looks so bleak.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Domestic Violence, Abuse and how it affects children.

I am in deep sorrow as I write this. My youngest sister was in need of help but help did not come soon enough. Her last visit to Pennsylvania, it was obvious she was on drugs prescription or street drugs. She went to my mother's who said to her" you no longer exist, you are not my daughter." My younger sister never went anywhere without her dog but on Labor day in September of 2016 she drove into the pathway of a Santa Fe Cargo train in a rural town in New Mexico.  It severed her spine , punctured her lungs and she died being prepared for lifeflight. There are unknown answers, did she try to beat the train, was it suicide ? I may never know the answers but her pet wasn't with her. They sent her ashes back after the autopsy and no service was held. It was like her life didn't matter or that she didn't exist. I had a difficult time with it  , somehow I couldn't bring closure. So many unanswered questions and such a violent and lonely way to pass away.
When we were children we were swimming in the river and my father wasn't in sight. We had to be all of five and nine years old. Barge sent waves which knocked my sister off the float. The waters dark and I couldn't see her or find her. I saw her hand reach out of the water and I pulled her close to me. She was horrified. We never spoke about that for years and than one day she thanked me and said you saved my life in the river and again when I needed someone. She was a handful and yes that is what family does ..reaches out to help. But this time with the train accident I felt I didn't do enough to help, that just maybe if I would have tried she wouldn't have been in New Mexico. But all in all you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I once told her you can run the world over but you have to be able to look in the mirror and like what was looking back. She obviously had a difficult time as she searched for a life of happiness and kept turning it into her own personal hell.
I never thought I would be the "last mohican " or the last man standing. I must say it is quite difficult to see and end to all your siblings.
I think about Andrea almost on a daily basis, before the accident i would think she was having the last laugh on the beach with a umbrella drink and well it seemed wherever she went disaster followed. Maybe the journey for her had come to an abrupt end because this was her story. All I know for sure is that mental health is at an all time high and not enough is known and not enough help is out there. How many more people would seek help if they knew that there would not be a stigma , a label?
I guess sometimes tell those who need to hear it that we love them. So if anything I do hope that those who need help find it and that everyone remind themselves to say I love you to those closest to them. " I love you" three words that just might make a difference in someone's day or even more so in their life.
We all have struggles, what separates are those who now to deal with the struggle and those who don't. Every tear that falls is filled with memories, heartache, sorrow despair and the pain that comes with saying once more to a sister. Forgiveness is a healing tool not just for those who need forgiven but for ourselves, to heal and ease the mind.

...the long and winding road.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Violence is an equal opportunity employer

I haven't written for awhile. It seems like I am just overcoming the death of my father and brother. I have thought recently about elderly parents who were abusive and now seek your help in their later lives. I don't necessarily think it has to do with forgiveness. It is not whether I forgive my mother or not but that she still can be quite manipulative. I can't allow myself to be put in that position and so cruel as it may seem, I do the minimum I have to. I make sure she has her needs met, housekeeper, nurse, food etc but I refuse to let her move in.
When I look back at the abuse  my father was with my siblings, my mother a hundred times more abusive with him. Men don't want to talk about it. Be it shame or embarrassment they rarely tell anyone. Why did he stay well I asked my sister that question. My mother was alway suicidal and my father was afraid of her hurting herself, so when I wanted to take a knife or a gun from her she in turn would use it on him. What we call abuse my father called discipline. So in his mind he was loving his children. On the other hand my mother was over the board violent. I stopped writing because a few comments , one said " get over it" and another said " that it all had to be a lie" and yet another said great fictional story telling. " Unless you grew up in such a domestic violent situation I am sure you can't comprehend what goes on almost daily in many homes. People think of a death by murder and say oh how awful but for us attempted murder was on a regular basis. She almost succeeded in taking him out. Sad situation that happens way more often than I would like to admit.
Many children grow up to live full lives and never tell what goes on behind close doors. Other children are affected in different ways.
Time is passing by so quickly and I think what else can we do to change the world. I had wished my father would  had a computer in his day. He might have found away out or a way to get help , financially , physically and in the mental health capacity.
My brothers passing was troubling. He never received the help he truly needed and still to this day when he told the psychiatrist what happen and she said "when you are ready to tell me the truth I'll listen. " He made up a  lie about being a prisoner of war when he was in the military, that was easier for her to believe than the truth. What can you do when those who should help don't?
Memories come  little by little and some things that I had forgotten surface. It gives me more in depth look at lives of children raised in domestically abusive households.
I have one sister left she is on dialysis awaiting a kidney transplant. We have gotten much closer over the last few years in away I never expected. She fills in the blanks of the years I was to young to remember. It is therapy when she is here and I talk with her which is everyday. Who else better understands than a sibling who endured the same situation.
I wanted to add a little bit of info. as I meet people who have endured situations that are similar. It takes and incredible source of strength to overcome the violence in the home and yet it does flow over into our current lives. I became very aware how partners or spouses can push buttons that trigger an episode. Yet I don't believe we should walk on egg shells trying to prevent such.
Can we get out of a difficult situation, with divorce at an all time high you would think that those in abusive situations would easily get out. Fear is the number one reason that you should get out and the number one reason people don't. Education is key not to place blame but to guide and bring about alternatives for those living in domestically violent homes.
Thank you all for hanging there and wish you all well.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wipes Tears...

Thank you Anne's big sister for the update, since that post seems to get lost in the archives, I took the liberty of placing your comment here.

TheNewLinke said...
This is Annie's big sister again...I felt that I should post and update. I'm sorry this is so late in being posted but as you can imagine, this has been a roller coaster of emotion and sometime you forget things...
UPDATE: Larry Boyd was arrested Sept. 27, 2009. Prosecutors said Boyd beat Lutz to death after a night of heavy drinking. Boyd was convicted in March 2011 of third-degree murder and aggravated assault. Larry Boyd, now 40, will serve a sentence between 29 and 58 years for beating his girlfriend, Anna Marie Lutz, to death.
July 25, 2011 8:14 AM

Friday, September 7, 2012

In memory of Anne Lutz. reposting

Twenty four year old Anna Marie Lutz was murdered by her live in thirty eight year old boyfriend. You won't hear big headline stories, because she wasn't a sports player, politician or famous actor or singer. Anna Marie Lutz is one of the thousands of abuse cases that goes undetected until it results in murder. There is no excuse for such violence upon another human being, we all have the option of walking away from a domestic dispute. Anna lived twenty four short years on this earth and her time was cut short by one persons lack of self control and horrendous choice to strike out at a beautiful young woman.

How many women are caught up in domestic violence? I don't believe we will ever know the truth, for as many cases that are revealed, there are that many more that we will never find exposed. Some choose to stay out of fear, others think they can handle it, many feel there is no options or alternatives and many believe they have nowhere else to go. Pride and embarrassment as well as denial reveal itself when options are offered. To reach out in anger and hit a person you claim to love doesn't happen just once, it most likely happened before or will happen again. Anna Maire Lutz was not one of the lucky ones, she doesn't get a second chance to make a choice, to escape, to get away, to live her life.

Religious leaders will say that this was all part of Gods great plan. This is part of Evil, the devil alcohol might have encouraged the violence, the seeds of evil had already been in placed and sowed to allow and outburst to be violent enough to take a life. Violence only has a chance to strike out once you have allowed evil into your being. Alcohol and drugs only heighten the negativity within a person, the seeds of evil have to already exist to allow an unforgivable experience. I say again unforgivable, for no one has the right to cut a persons life short.

This in in honor of Anna Marie Lutz, she lived such a short time,experienced so little and came to such a violent end. May her soul find peace in the arms of the Lord.

The tears we weep are for the many,
the hearts and souls of those in fear,
may they find inside the courage,
to surface above the pain and despair.

Anna Marie Lutz is somebody, she is a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend,etc. Her kindness, warmth of heart and the magic of her soul were taken advantage of by the one person who she entrusted her life. This is a betrayal of a loving spirit. I chose to write about Anna Marie so that her story shall not be forgotten and that her life will not be in vain. I hope people remember not just how she died, but how she lived.

Every thirty seconds another story of domestic abuse happens, some survive and many do not.Marriage, friendship, relationships, partners, none of these titles give a person the license to abuse. Domestic violence occurs in every walk of life and every income bracket. I promised several years back to put a face to domestic abuse and bring to light a horror that still goes unpunished until it is to late. We seem to reward aggression and the traits of aggression in sports etc, I prefer to acknowledge the size of ones heart and their impact on the world around them. It is obvious by those who knew Anna Marie and shared in her life that she is and always will be a beautiful spirit.

In the time it takes you to close your eyes
and open them again someone in the world
has fallen victim at the hands of abuse.