Another Day

 I look back at a lifetime and I don't even recognize the woman who was or the woman I became.  Everyone is gone that the post would apply to, and I think did it matter? One life changed, is that possible? There is no doubt it's all about choice and hopefully teaching people whether men or women or children, that they indeed have a choice. There was a time that I would hide in the attic as that was my only escape. But now I am not sure if I am stronger or just a little more bitter.  The past is gone and yet the scars do remain because if you erase them all you erase a life. I am not sure if the choices were mistakes or a pattern that we fall into. I have said my goodbyes and still a cloud of darkness and anxiety blanket over me. Taking a deep breath and trying to let it all go.  I went out and fed the chickens, walked the dogs and I thought wow! humans think they are all that, but we are really no different than any other animal. Though I do tend to think there is more evil instilled in humans or maybe we just don't have all the answers yet. Education is key to changing how we think, act and react and deal with the consequence of choice and actions. When we can't have peace in those we claim to love, how can we expect the world to find peace? War, evil, hatred, greed surface on a daily basis.  People like to compare, but everyone has their own cross to bear. Prayers for all mankind that somehow, they will see through their faults to make the world a better place. I hear young people say I lost all faith in people. Evil has won many a battle, but the war is not over yet. 

April 23

What am I feeling? Vulnerable !!!!

Vulnerability

"Vulnerability is a universal aspect of the human condition, arising from our embodiment and our location within society and its institutions. On the individual level, vulnerability refers to the ever-present possibility of harm, injury or biological impairment or limitation. "

Time , we only have so much time, with that comes a certain amount of fear. What am I afraid of ? That the story needs to be told , completed. I am not looking to create a Utopia but hopefully allow more people to be free of the chains that domestic violence places on the soul. For more people to find that peace within and hold on to it, like a blanket of comfort.  Rid the world of mental health! "some say i'm a dreamer"

Domestic Violence, Abuse and how it affects children.

I am in deep sorrow as I write this. My youngest sister was in need of help but help did not come soon enough. Her last visit to Pennsylvania, it was obvious she was on drugs prescription or street drugs. She went to my mother's who said to her" you no longer exist, you are not my daughter." My younger sister never went anywhere without her dog but on Labor day in September of 2016 she drove into the pathway of a Santa Fe Cargo train in a rural town in New Mexico.  It severed her spine , punctured her lungs and she died being prepared for lifeflight. There are unknown answers, did she try to beat the train, was it suicide ? I may never know the answers but her pet wasn't with her. They sent her ashes back after the autopsy and no service was held. It was like her life didn't matter or that she didn't exist. I had a difficult time with it  , somehow I couldn't bring closure. So many unanswered questions and such a violent and lonely way to pass away.
When we were children we were swimming in the river and my father wasn't in sight. We had to be all of five and nine years old. Barge sent waves which knocked my sister off the float. The waters dark and I couldn't see her or find her. I saw her hand reach out of the water and I pulled her close to me. She was horrified. We never spoke about that for years and than one day she thanked me and said you saved my life in the river and again when I needed someone. She was a handful and yes that is what family does ..reaches out to help. But this time with the train accident I felt I didn't do enough to help, that just maybe if I would have tried she wouldn't have been in New Mexico. But all in all you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I once told her you can run the world over but you have to be able to look in the mirror and like what was looking back. She obviously had a difficult time as she searched for a life of happiness and kept turning it into her own personal hell.
I never thought I would be the "last mohican " or the last man standing. I must say it is quite difficult to see and end to all your siblings.
I think about Andrea almost on a daily basis, before the accident i would think she was having the last laugh on the beach with a umbrella drink and well it seemed wherever she went disaster followed. Maybe the journey for her had come to an abrupt end because this was her story. All I know for sure is that mental health is at an all time high and not enough is known and not enough help is out there. How many more people would seek help if they knew that there would not be a stigma , a label?
I guess sometimes tell those who need to hear it that we love them. So if anything I do hope that those who need help find it and that everyone remind themselves to say I love you to those closest to them. " I love you" three words that just might make a difference in someone's day or even more so in their life.
We all have struggles, what separates are those who now to deal with the struggle and those who don't. Every tear that falls is filled with memories, heartache, sorrow despair and the pain that comes with saying once more to a sister. Forgiveness is a healing tool not just for those who need forgiven but for ourselves, to heal and ease the mind.

...the long and winding road.

The Lardin House Inn

The Lardin house in Masontown Pennsylvania is sponsoring a fundraiser for DVSSP - Domestic Violence Services of South Western Pennsylvania. It is free to the public and will have an auction for the DVSSP, car show, music, entertainment arts and crafts. Donations will be accepted and can be mailed to the Lardin House Inn 1892 McClellandtown Road Masontown, PA 15461 (724) 583-8310 We are in need of vendors so anyone who wants to sell their arts and crafts call to set up a display. Chinese Auction Items are also in need. Any and all help is appreciated. DVSSP Our Mission The mission of Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern PA is to increase awareness of domestic violence and its effect on the community, to empower those victimized by providing advocacy and safe and effective services, and to work for social change designed to eliminate domestic violence. PROGRAMS AND ADDITIONAL INFORMATION SAFE SHELTER …Safe shelter for domestic violence victims and their children. (food, clothing, and personal care items for residents) 24 HOUR HOTLINE …24 hour hotline, transportation and intake to Shelter. EMPOWERMENT COUNSELING …Individual face-to-face and hotline counseling for domestic violence victims and their significant others. Advocacy and accompaniment. Information and referrals. LEGAL ADVOCACY …Court accompaniment and assistance with Protection From Abuse Orders. SUPPORT GROUPS … Free informal support groups for anyone directly or indirectly involved in a present or past abusive relationship. Call 724-724-223-0911, 724-852-2373, or 724-439-9500 for more information. CHILDREN'S PROGRAM …Daily children's program for children residing in the Shelter and Fresh Start Transitional Housing program. One-on-one and group counseling through structured activities is facilitated by a children's advocate.

Crazy is ..bringing children into a world and not loving them.

Spoke with someone from when we were kids. It made me think about a time that I had pretty much digested. One of the questions was why? Why was my sister so abused and she was. My father called it discipline, but it was anything but. You don't beat children till they bleed, you don' t make them stand on rock salt bare foot in corners till they can no longer stand. Yet that is exactly what my father did. It was a rather strict life style you either followed the rules or you were punished sometimes it was, no let me rephrase that, it was always unnecessary punishments.
My sister was very attractive she had sunshine in her eyes and a warmth in her smile. Dating was forbidden, talking to boys were off limits. I can honestly say that I don't really know why he chose to punish so aggressively. Could have been laughter or smiling, or being children. Lights out, than lights better be out or he would come up those stairs swinging that belt. It is funny if I think about it I can actually here the shuffle of his footsteps. I didn't want to go back, " don't you dare move!" if you jumped or cried he would swing that much harder. I remember the later years easier, if my sister skirt was wrinkled it would be a reason to beat her, if she put make up on, if her hair wasn't fixed right, if she spoke to a boy, if she was late coming home from school, if the dishes were not clean enough, if the table wasn't set, if she smiled, if she laughed, if she cried.
Didn't want to go back...no I didn't, but here I am. I see the gravel, the empty lot over grown with weeds, the railroad tracks, the river. the greyness of it all. I am not sure why my parents are yelling, my elder sister always got yelled at. "Take your little sister to her room," almost as if mother was prepared for an argument with my father. Get the little ones out of here! breaking glass, screaming, all night long, I couldn't sleep unless the train was going by... I learned to love that hum. I was nine years old, this particular argument escalated. My mother grabbed a knife, my father tried to take it off her, she was stronger than you would think a woman could be. My father turned to go out the door. Not once, but twice she placed the knife in his back, he called out for my elder sister as he fell to the ground. My brother and sister tried to stop the bleeding, it seem like forever till the ambulance came to take him to the hospital. Like the many times before and after he refused to name my mother as the perpetrator. Can't sleep, can't cry, holds my dolly. Every thing will be okay, daddy will be alright. Mothers eyes red filled with tears and rage. Why was this happening, did she hate him so?
The next day was quiet, my older sister spent the day cleaning broken glass. I went outside to play ball, the other children were not allowed to talk to me. Stay away from her, her parents are crazy. "Your mom is crazy, your mom is crazy!"Some of the children whispered, others chanted. I can remember their names, one day they were friends playing and riding a bicycle the next they were told to stay away from me. Was I bad? Is this why my parents did that? I was afraid, I was alone. We never spoke of it, we never asked questions. It was the secret that everybody knew. It was a rather confusing time, two people who held each other, hated each other so much that they destroyed each others lives. I talked to my Dolly's allot, I escaped into a world of fantasy. Children can be mean, did they know we were hurting inside? did they know we were confused?
I spoke with my eldest sister recently, she said"momma should have died when she jumped from the bridge" She said it would have been over, instead it happened over and over again. The short years of childhood were filled with violence, suicide, ugliness, punishments verbal and physical. The knives are hidden everywhere, don't touch them momma will be mad. They are under the sofa, under the pillow, in my bed, under the cushion of the rocker.She said "If he comes back in this house I'm gonna kill him" I heard the polices sirens I ran to the window, momma yelled at me" she said "run, run to the window, look for your daddy!" Were they taking daddy are they taking him away again? I feel like I am in the room I can see her holding a hatchet she is really mad, she really is mad at him, she keeps repeating she is going to kill him. She yells really loud to my sister, "I told you to get these children out of here. " She grabs my hand and puts my coat on, we go to the park and my sister see's her friends, I play on the swings. I am alone, "don't play with her, her parents are crazy." I have been alone my whole life, keeping the secrets so well hidden, that I myself had forgotten them, or did I?

Healing

After I sat down and wrote to the blog, my sister called. We began to talk, she asked " what are you doing?" I told her I was writing on a blog. She said " what about?" Life! She is my eldest sister, there is a tight bond between her and I. She always seem to think she needed to shelter me from everything, from what goes on in life and even threw today. In her eyes no matter how I age, I am her little sister who needs protecting. I read a few of the pieces on the blog. I didn't feel good about it, she is always so strong and she just cried and cried and cried. She said" I didn't know you wrote about that, I didn't know". I told her it's of course my view, how the dysfunction affected me and how I find it to be my release, as if I am " blowing in the wind".

Healing, how we heal, how long it takes to heal, that all varies from individual to individual. How we view the terror in our minds, swallow and digest is also unique to each. Of course I have to remember that my eldest sister was my mother figure and for my sister who passed away the two of them were very close in age and had a completely different bond. For her the death still leaves a sour taste in her mouth, even after all these years. She blames herself for not reacting, fixing it, making it all better, putting a band aid on it all.

It all sheds light on the importance and the results that coming from being either the eldest, the middle child or the baby in a family. I never really gave it much thought but it all does make a difference in what you walk away with. Sis was always the one you leaned on, but she needs someone to lean on. I try to be that person for her, the little sister who has grown up.

I haven't cried in sometime, but the tears are not for me. I cry for Sis because she is in limbo. I sent her a package in the mail with some items that I feel might keep her busy and thus help her to heal.

This is the tricky part with life, the healing process. I had a friend, I guess you can call it a one sided friendship, I needed him and he ended up being a habitual liar. It took me sometime to get over that, but also it taught me how to stand and be accountable for my actions. I mention it only in the fact that it took me years to get over it. Listening, is quite a valuable quality to have, but many of us and I include myself in that fail to listen. Listen when others speak, listen to self,listen to heart and soul. The truth is always there, we just need to listen.

Healing, I don't know if we ever really heal. I know that over the years the blows are softened. It is not about forgetting because our experiences become a part of who we are. The healing process includes both the good and bad that we trail along on. There are a few things we can do to speed up the process, keeping our minds busy, helping those who have not found the courage to help them self and realizing that what happen, though as bad as it may seem is a part of life and the journey.

Why do bad things happen to good people? That is a very important question! I am not sure there is real good answer for that, wrong place, wrong time, there are many reasons we end up in our own little corner of our world. People like to point fingers, but I believe everyone is capable and more importantly able to find the healing process that will work for them. Have faith, think, react, seek, the goodness within your self. I believe everything and anything is possible, love is pure and un-adulterer and it is our first tool that we given which helps in the healing process.

Children are victims, they are the simplicity of life, they lean upon us for lessons of life, to learn, to speak, to find their place in the world. We can make a difference in the world if we look at this beautiful resource, our children. Stopping the cycle is not always easy, but it is possible. Give the children in your world a chance, give to your local boys clubs and children's clubs, volunteer with the children's organizations. Sometimes it's the only good memories some of these children will ever have.