Saturday, December 8, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
I am at a crossroad in my life. I find I no longer want to look back and I don't want to stand still and I don't know what the future holds and I don't know where I fit in, in the so called "scheme of things or the bigger picture. " I do know I must forge ahead in whatever that may bring. I am not ungrateful for my experiences both positive and negative for they have been the great lessons of life that have revealed much about human nature to me. I never quite liked having this keen sense of insight, when I was younger it was both frightening and a lonely place.
Sometimes I have nightmares, always different but they wake me in the middle of the night. The encyclopedia says nightmares in adults is usually found in sensitive and creative individuals, I might be guilty of being a little sensitive and creative, but there are times you have to focus to a better place, to new horizons.
Life is new chapters and If I find that in sharing brings a certain amount of peace or knowledge to another I 'll take note and jot it down here in cyberspace.
I just recently said to a good friend, I am a fond supporter of happy beginnings and not happy endings, each day brings just that a new beginning, and I am happy with that. Is life perfect?
One smell of a rose, one glimpse of the kingfisher diving in the waters, one touch of the soft skin of a new born baby and you sense that all is perfect and beautiful in this world of ours. For it is only man's human ways or flaws that see otherwise.
Thank you for you your comment, it is very nice of you to show this compassion and I felt your warmth even at a distance.
I don't like goodbyes... I'll be seen ya.
Friday, November 23, 2007
We are a book of on going chapters and remaining on one chapter to long is like standing over your head in a stagnant pool of water, sooner or later you will drown in it.
A worth of a woman.. gone with the wind moments, not!
Get your ass back in the kitchen where you belong.
I do it for you babe.
When I trained you to be a whore, It was meant just for me.
Monday, November 5, 2007
What ever you might be confronting this holiday season, may you find the peace of the season and hold it in your heart through the upcoming year. Whether you are a believer or not, the words are of love and peace and the beauty and warmth of a spiritual celebration..It is not in the giving of commerialized gifts, it is in the giving of yourself. May you find the true gifts of Christmas through the sharing of hearts...... a very early Merry Christmas.
By chance you have no one to decorate a tree with I invite you to join me in decorating a tree as we bring in the season with peace. My prayers go out to all those who find themself at a distance from love ones this season....and if you can stand it I'll even sing.....
My father enjoyed the holidays, it was a time of reprieve,not much different then taking a moment out from war to say a prayer. He would go all out decorating the house and tree and putting on music, it was a calm to an other wise stormy life.
Sometimes we re-wrapped things we had for Christmas gifts, it was just the satisfaction of opening a present. When I was married I so wanted the holiday excitement, my holidays consisted of friends who had become my family. I called them the chosen ones, not born to but brought together by fate.They had passed away all of them and I feel the emptiness at the holidays even with all the children I feel something missing. No matter how small the apartment was they would squeeze in for dinner and they made me feel as if my apartment was a castle. I so loved the spirit of the holidays, my husband was completely the opposite. He hated them, I was sure he was cousin to the scrooge or the grinch, not just the Christmas holiday he hated all holidays. His family was quite opposite of mine, they had and they wanted for nothing. Their house was filled with family and gifts that hit the ceiling, expensive decorations.
Each year I tried to be everything to the children , father, mother and I felt the pressure at the holiday to make things happen, to create positive memories. My husbands negativity was so strong that it left a impact, I felt sadness at the holidays instead of the joy of celebration. I would take the time to prepare meal, set the table with china and candle light, just before dinner was to be served he would disappear and the children and I would eat alone.
It brought back the first memory of Christmas as a married woman, I was nineteen years old and I was so looking forward to a christmas tree. Christmas Eve was approaching and I asked if we could get a tree, he responded with you don't need a tree" It midnight of Christmas eve and the house was so empty and I didnt drive and so I couldn't get to a store, I felt and emptiness I cried and cried... He said you are immature about this you don't need a Christmas tree. It wasn't just the tree, it was what holidays had come to mean to me, a release from the stress, a day of celebration, a religious connection, hope, faith and peace all in one. It was 2am maybe childish but I began to cry, and cry. He questioned when I would stop crying, I said when I have a tree.
Three am and he said stop it now I'll get you a damn tree and off he went to find a tree on christmas mornning .. he had found a homeless man burning the branches of a tree and he said how much for the tree and the homeless man said $50.00 he said that is highway robbery. The homeless man said do you see any other pine trees and , he said no. Then the homeless mans said $70.00 the price just went up... He said you were burning the tree anyways and he said yep and I'll continue to keep warm. He ended up paying 80.00 for a tree without to many branches. He dragged it in and I was so happy. I made popcorn decorations and those of paper, It was Christmas I had a tree in celebration.
There were many conflicts between us, and over the years I overlooked many of them, a few I could not and still have not been able to let go of..
What is Christmas? the celebration of Jesus and the kindness and joy of celebrating Jesuses birth. But it was also more it was peace in its ultimate moments. I have this angel that I had since I was a child, it was somehow misplaced over the last couple of years. She was my holiday companion, where I could tell all my secrets to.
So whispering this years secret, I am going to the farm and I am going to buy a short needled tree,even if the needles fall all over the house, I am going sing and dance and celebrate the holidays through the eyes of a child..... to all those who have someone to share the day with and to those who don't I wish you a very happy holiday this thanksgiving and all the way through the season.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I looked into my world and my heartache and how difficult it is to handle. Truth allows for healing, lies keep a wound open.
It hurts and I don't know why....for if I am honest with myself .... I have always known the truth.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
My goal in writing this is about awareness. There are medical conditions that need the attention of a medical provider and so I believe that people should seek help when they need it. We are becoming a world so dependent on prescription drugs. As I spoke with a physician who had become a friend of mine said “ if we are not prescribing, the patient is disappointed in not getting a prescription or a fix all.”
What is the alternative help for stress and depression? Learning how to cope in our fast paced world. In an alternative or complementary practice, alternative therapy would encompass discipline of the diet and exercise and mental conditioning and life style changes.
Consider that you have a headache and you could reach for the advil, instead you rub a little peppermint into your forehead, close your eyes for a few moments and relieve the headache naturally. Consider that your mildly depressed instead of running to your doctor
For medication, you put yourself first for a change and join the spa a couple days a week.
Consider the next time your in severe pain from a injury or arthritic condition that you try a little mind over matter therapy and subject yourself to a positive mental health atmosphere that will eliminate any negative energy.
Is it possible that we could be less dependent on drugs? It is key to self analyze ones own personality. Ask yourself what are your strengths and your weaknesses and how best to handle them?
My daughter was nine years old she was having migraines, not sure of what was causing the headaches I took her to the doctors. The doctor confirmed they were migraines and prescribed a mild anti depressant and a Nasonex spray. I over road his decision to give her medication and started to chart her headaches, when did they occur? What did she eat?and looked for a pattern and then worked to overcome the headaches naturally.
Is and alterative suitable for everyone? No! it takes self discipline and a little control over ones own life to bring the spirit to a happy medium. Are we all capable? Indeed working with self to improve self is possible for everyone. My very favorite of all quotes, which I had adhered to in life for almost everything from financial to my physical being, is that “ an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”
In 2000, 43 percent of those who ended up in hospital emergency rooms from drug overdoses-nearly a half million people-were there because of misusing prescription drugs.Source: SAMHSA
In 2001, 36 million Americans (16 percent of persons aged 12 or older) had used prescription-type drugs nonmedically at least once in their lifetime. This included 9.6 million persons (18 percent) aged 12 to 25. In 2001, almost 3 million youths aged 12 to 17 (12 percent) and almost 7 million young adults aged 18 to 25 (23 percent) had used prescription-type drugs nonmedically at least once in their lifetime.
The annual number of new users of pain relievers has been increasing since the mid-1980's, from about 400,000 initiates to 2 million in 2000.Source: NHSDA
The DEA has budgeted $6.3 million to fight illegal online pharmacies this yea
A few commonly abused prescription drugs
In the United States, the Controlled Substances Act divides drugs and medications into five schedules dependent on their potential for abuse. The list below contains many, but not all, commonly abused prescription medications:
Schedule I (high potential for abuse, has no accepted medical use in the U.S. and lack of safety for use under medical supervision)
Schedule II (high potential for abuse, has a currently accepted medical use, may lead to severe physical dependence or addiction)
Alfentanil (Alfenta)Amobarbital (Amytal, Tuinal)Amphetamine (Dexedrine, Biphetamine, Adderall, Obetrol)CodeineDihydrocodeine (Didrate, Parzone)Fentanyl (Duragesic, Sublimaze, Innovar)Glutethimide (Doriden, Dorimide)Hydromorphone (Dilaudid)Levomethadyl (ORLAAM)Levorphanol (Levo-Dromoran)Marinol (Dronabinol)Methadone (Dolophine, Amidone, Methadose)
Methamphetamine (Desoxyn)Methylphenidate (Ritalin)Mepridine (Demorol, Mepergan)Morphine (MS Contin, Oramorph, Duramorph, Roxanol)Oxycodone (OxyContin, Percodan, Percocet, Tylox, Roxicodone)Oxymorphone (Numorphan)Pentobarbital (Nembutal)Phendimetrazine (Preludin)Secobarbital (Seconal, Tuinal)Sufentanil (Sufenta)
Schedule III (has a potential for abuse less than Schedule I or II, has a currently accepted medical use, may lead to moderate or low physical dependence or addiction)
Amobarbital compoundsAnabolic SteroidsBenzphetamine (Didrex, Inapetyl)Boldenone (Equipoise, Parenabol, Vebonol)Buprenorphine (Buprenex, Temgesic)Hydrocodone 15 mg/du (Tussionex, Tussend, Lortab, Vicodin, Hycodan, Anexsia)
Ketamine (Ketaset, Ketalar)Methyltesosterone (Android, Oreton, Testred, Virilon)Opium 25 mg/du (Paregoric)Phendimetrazine (Plegine, Prelu-2, Bontril, Melfiat, Statobex
1 2 3 4
Schedule IV (has a potential for abuse less than Schedule III, has a currently accepted medical use, may lead to limited physical dependence or addiction)
Alprazolam (Xanax)Chloral Hydrate (Noctec)Chlordiazepoxide (Librium, Libritabs, Limbitrol)Clonazepam (Klonopin, Clonopin)Dextropropoxyphene (Darvon, Darvocet, Dolene, Propacet)Diazepam (Valium, Valrelease)Estazolam (ProSom, Domnamid, Eurodin, Nuctalon)Ethchlorvynol (Placidyl)Ethinamate (Valmid, Valamin)Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol, Narcozep, Darkene, Roipnol)Flurazepam (Dalmane)
Maxindol (Sanorex, Maxanor)Meprobamate (Miltown, Equanil, Deprol, Equagesic, Meprospan)Modanafinil (Provigil)Oxazepam (Serax, Serenid-D)Oxazolam (Serenal, Convertal)Pentazocine (Talwin, Talacen)Quazepam (Doral, Dormalin)Sibutramine (Meridia)Temazepam (Restoril)Triazolam (Halcion)Zaleplon (Sonata)Zolpidem (Ambien, Stilnoct, Ivadal)
I was working out a the gym and a sign posted on the wall it said take control of your life become physically fit. Becoming physically fit is as important as becoming emotionally fit. Taking back the reigns of control from society to self will bring a balance with the world around you.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
In honor of my sister.. the chill of the season brings fond memories of the cold late nights and times long gone. My sister had a voice that put canaries to shame. Soft and filled with love, one of her favorite songs to sing was Mariah. Though this verson does no justice to the soothing song of the nights that blocked out the
violence that we were accustomed to hearing. To my dear sister who sings with the angels........ one lives less we forget.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Fear has been used to control the huge populace of people for many years. A small amount of fear is equated to a conscience, without it there is no consequence. I believe we are treading on the rights of a few, that we have extinguished the rights of many for a safe place to educate our children. We cannot instill in children what should be instilled from the parents before school age.
The worst about the changing taking place is we cannot go back, which only leads us to go forward. Can we stop the escalation of crime, drugs, mental health issues? Where should the responsibility lay? If a system is not working, who will stand up to the government to force change? Who in the government will listen to the people? How many more children will die needlessly? Where is the common sense factor? Can a simple test alert caregivers and schools to those who are most likely to become violent? Is it discrimination to separate the mental healthy from the mentally ill? Whose life is most valuable? If the bird kicks a sick baby out of the nest should we try to save it?
It is very chilling to read the loss of innocence, my prayers to all those involved.
(CBS/AP) A 14-year-old suspended student opened fire in a downtown high school Wednesday before killing himself, and five people were taken to hospitals, authorities said. After the shooting, shaken teens called their parents on cell phones, most to reassure but in at least one case with terrifying news: "Mom, I got shot." Mayor Frank Jackson said the three teens and two adults were hurt. He said the children were in "stable, good condition," and the adults were in "a little elevated condition."
If it's a sign of the times, what a sad sign it is.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
very true......what the world needs now is love sweet love, no not for some , but for everyone.
When we were children , we were told it takes more muscle to frown then to smile and that time is the great healer. I say heal but don't forget in fear of making the same mistakes and well by all means smile .. smile though your heart is breaking, smile what's the ......
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
When Angels Come To Visit....
Up in flames....
Guilt and Blame have no place, in the book of survival.We rarely stayed l in one house very long. The house I was born in was lost to back taxes and from that point on we were constantly on the move. Another neighborhood, another house, another set of issues to deal with. I was ten years old when my family was reunited. My grandmother had bought us a house, the first house I would call home. Six years in one place, despite the problems at home, I was now able to place roots. Making friends and finally having a degree of stability, as for the first time I was in same school for more then one year.This place that I called home, held both good and scary memories. It recently burnt to the ground and with that came a barrage of unwelcome thoughts. In one perspective, it was closure, the house of hell burnt to the ground, and another part of me felt a loss of connection. As if that part of life now had the door slammed shut. I looked on as the flames filled the sky. I felt numb and a chill shook from within. It was as if this final farewell, lit a chapter of the book of life into uncontrollable flames.
or buy, nor is it a place you can travel to find.
Inside each of us is a magical place unexplored, when
you knocked at the door of my heart and I answered
I found home..... I love you and welcome home.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
One of the first lessons of a child as they start to mingle with other children is to stop and think before speaking, as not to hurt another person emotionally. Are we what people expect us to be or what we want them to believe we are? To meld into society I believe we do drape ourselves in that of the societal norm. Whether we fall in the category of leadership or as a follower, we are trying to fulfill the expectations of the majority, rather then follow our own gut instinct or intuition, in fear of being ridiculed. Yet I find there is darker side in people, the side they hide, everyone has it to a degree, some act out on it and others carefully keep it hidden. Maybe it is by our own willing that we put people on pedestals, only to watch them fall.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
1963 and 2007Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes tohis get his to show Jack.2007 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail andnever sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatizedstudents and teachers.Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end upbestfriends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.Sits still in class2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School getsextra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives himawhipping.1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,and becomes a successful businessman.2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to fostercareand joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that sheremembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's momhasaffair with psychologist.Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smokingdock.2007 searched for drugs and weapons.Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at aspecialschool for expectant mothers.2007 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies theACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion withouther parent's consent or knowledge, Mary given condoms and told to be more careful.Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.2007: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articlesappearnationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement forgraduationis racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system anddiploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can'tspeakEnglish.Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.1963 - Ants die.2007 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domesticterrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computersconfiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowedto fly again.Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary, who hugs Johnny to comfort him.1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. Shefaces 3 years in State Prison.And this is what we call progress?
Sunday, September 9, 2007
1) Love, where love flourishes a child grows. Exactly how we show love and give love will also vary.
2) Provide, a child should be cared for with a secure home setting one that provides adequate shelter, warmth in winter, food , water, clothing , medical care and the necessities to take them from home to the outside world.Home should be the safe haven from the the outside world, a place where the feel safe.
3) Education, we should teach children responsibilities that fit their age group and provide them with the outreach to learn.
4) Survival skills, include love, comfort, understand, education, security,
Parents should disagree behind close doors but bring unity to discipline in front of the children. I imagined the question that was proposed was where do you draw the line with physical punishment?. Personally I don't believe in physical punishment, a child is no different then an adult. I say if you do something that someone doesn't like and your adult and they hit you it is called assault and battery charge, so why would it be right to physically hurt a child when you don't like something?Usually it is a parents lack of parenting skills, temper that has a parent striking out against a child.
So what is unacceptable discipline? Taking away the necessities of life are surely unacceptable, instead of taking away give more time, talk with children, teach by example and above all listen to a child's cry for help. A parent is the first teacher a child will encounter. You are forming a platform for the future.
Depending upon the age of the child, discipline varies in very young children and even in ages of young adults time out works, it gives them to calm down, to think of their actions and encourages a calm. Firm discipline is another way of dealing with situations that are not warranted, in this area you can take away a luxury something they enjoy that is not necessary for life. This brings awareness to an unwanted situation. Most importantly communicate, communication is necessary to perform a parenting job properly.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent and no two child rearing situations are indentical. Asks your self before you discipline, as an adult would I like that done unto me?.Simple rule" do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Children are not complicated they demand love and love is a warm and happy setting in which to grow up.
When my children of all ages sit down beside me in the evening and talk of school, their day and what is happening in their life that gives me a sense of pride for we have gained mutual respect for one another.
Child abuse and neglect are defined by Federal and State laws. The Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) is the Federal legislation that provides minimum standards that States must incorporate in their statutory definitions of child abuse and neglect. The CAPTA definition of "child abuse and neglect" refers to:
"Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm"
We have a saying around our house that we used and awful lot when our children were growing up. " If you think it's wrong, it's wrong." That is true for parents as well as children if a situation enters your mind and you have to second guess then chances are don't do it.
Actions speak louder then words, a child will learn ten fold from what you do then what you say.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
I find that men and women deal with heartbreak in many ways. There are the outward signs, the negative flames that fuel revenge, stalking and outward rage, to the more unnoticed signs of depression, issues of self worth and severe degrees of inner pain.
I felt hopeless many times as I watched my own son's going
through break ups in their young lives. Currently my seventeen year old is dealing with the emotions of the broken heart. He said" I am confused, I want to love her and I want to hate her." A fairly typical response to a situation that presently appears without answers.
No other relationship do we put such stress on a person as we do in a romantic relationship. We start with friendship and we build upon it only to find that can be torn down with a few simple words. Typically a break up is just that a period of time for grieving. It is ok to feel the various emotions of love and hate, as it our mind and hearts way of seeking the truth and responsibly dealing with it.
The typical response from a parent to a child who is has a break up, it that " there are plenty of fish in the sea" Unfortunately one or the other doesn't want to hear that, when they believe that they have met the companion for life. I find that young men especially have a hard time excepting the emotions that are flooding outward from the deepest parts of their soul. A healthy response is to try and understand the good and bad of a period of time in your life and like "blowing in the wind" letting go of the negative and focusing on the positive. The experience becomes a step in growth and a major lesson in understanding your own inner emotions as well as your dreams for the future. The key is to know when to let go and when to move on and more importantly how to move on. Keeping busy, maintaining a friendship basis varied individuals will bring a certain amount of healing but most of the healing will come with time.
Teenage years are one of the most complicated times in a young person's life, it is the steps into adulthood, the lessons of life, and a total over hall of the human experience that is found with emotion. There is no doubt that some of us may respond to rejection differently in adulthood then we would in our youth, but that does not make the experience any less painful.
High-school romance in this day and age cannot nearly be compared to the day and age I grew up in. The seventy's were a time of great change and awareness and sexuality had become a big part of it. In this day and age the young romance is complicated with early sexual experimentation. Thus confusing an already complicated time of extreme hormone levels and the growing period of great psychological demands. The early stage of intimacy creates another level in which
morale and social issues arise. I find that in the male perspective young men especially are concerned on how the other guys are viewing them.
Locker room conversations reveal that labeling goes on early in life, as this places an individual social grouping.
I do believe that teenagers need to socialize, but I don't believe they should become a one on one romance as they are still learning their place in the community at large and growing and changing at a extremely high speed.
To my son who is feeling all the emotion today of heartbreak, tomorrow the sun will rise and a new day will begin and you will not be free of the memories for the last two years. Someone has entered your life and has become a part of who you are. As you let go and begin to grow you will find that the pain never goes way but softens like butter on a hot day and will slowly fade as new memories will take the place of those of yesterday.
I think that young men and women are doing themself a misjustice having sex at an early age. One good friend that last a lifetime is better then one day of sex that last 5 minutes. There is time and a place for everything, a time to cry, a time to laugh, time of heartbreak, a time of healing.
Today a darkness may appear in the saddest shade of gray, but it will only morph in color as you live, love and grow as a young man and see that tomorrow will bring colors warm as the sun.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Standing still and looking back over the last several months, I examined closely my own faltering in the decision making process. Occasionally I stumbled when I allowed my heart to lead, and again when I held strongly to hope in others.
I laughed as my sister and I sang the song rescue me, at times through out her life she had wished that someone would rescue her, she responded to me as the song played. "I fell many times believing in someone else, now I must stand to rescue myself." I think we all might be guilty of wanting and easy way out, but as the old adage goes" nothing is worth having that is not worth working for."
I lay restless in bed, my mind moved visually like a television quickly changing scenes. I thought of the times the man I chose to be a partner in life had fallen short of life's expectations, or was that my expectation? For I know we set ourselves up for failure when we expect what fails to materialize. Yet a dear friends said many years back," if you don't look for more, expect more, work for more , want more, then you will find yourself hungering all your life for more. " I think I did just that want more, yet I allowed fear to keep me from branching out or asking, or at least trying. Then again as I heard the words" now is not the time in your life not for mistakes, it is the time to enjoy what we have sowed." I found myself once again in a struggle to stay afloat, I tried to understand my own failures and falls. How many times like the game of chutes and ladders could I climb up to find myself sliding back, each time a little further. I found myself wanting to run wanting to hide. But I had told myself many times " you can run but you can't hide, all of life will follow."
A marriage is a very difficult proposition as it takes two to form a strong union and we find that when we step on that podium of unity that we bring with us as they say "old baggage".No measurement or comparison can be made to what a child feels as they surface into adulthood. The most difficult is the lack of understanding or better yet lack of answers. I went into a relationship believing that each partner gives equally. rarely does that happen, I find life is filled with givers and takers and does not always balance out.
I tried to weigh out life, set it on the scales of justice and balance out the good and bad. I had allot to be grateful for and yet I still felt a heavy measure of disappointment. Sometimes issues were not of one person or another's fault but leaned more on circumstances, it was in a catch all of maybe it could have worked, but just didn't . One of the first lessons you give young children " look both ways before you cross the street" and as adults we fail to follow that same lesson to look both ways before we make a decision. Two people, different views, different outlooks, different goals. Trust is crucial in a relationship, without it there is no next step.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry I would remain strong. I find as we get older we remove the blinders that held us in place for so long. Everyone has various names for it, some call it midlife crisis, others finding them self, or the age of awareness. I know I am getting old when I know way to many adages, " lie to me once, shame on me, lie me to twice, shame on you, there is no third time. Optimism can be both a tool that shines a light on tomorrow or it can be the arrow that pierces a fallen heart.
I have this little picture frame that I keep on my desk, it has the little red choo choo and the words from the children's book," I think can, I think I can , I think I can" I always felt like that little engine believing that I can when everyone else says no. I said to my dearest friend," must be the rebellion in me , I love a good no. "
Sometimes I am disappointed in myself, for as strong as people think I am , there is another side that wants to lean on someone else for a change. Choices it always seems easy, but it is far from easy. Everyone is confronted at different times of their life with choices and can we blame them for making mistakes... for if the mistakes vary,are we not still learning? How costly this game of life can be.
I want to soar and I want to hide,
I want to run and yet I go back,
I want to scream and yet no words are heard,
I want to be grateful and yet I am disappointed,
I want to be happy and yet I am sad,
I want to love and yet I hate,
I want to laugh and yet I cry.
I want to understand and I don't.
I want to die, I want to live.
Monday, August 13, 2007
In those of us who are peace loving people, it is difficult to comprehend the world as it exist. Though Utopia can result in a fictional sureal like dream, if all the power that were at this moment reversed and put into goodness, and kindness and the willingness to help our brother, what changes might we experience.
I propose that each person take responsiblity for their actions. What changes might we see if we thought more about our choices? To conquer evil, one must open the gates to a good world through their own heart.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Most parents will say "I treated all my children the same," but no two time periods are the same nor is the issues that arise in life identical. There fore each child will view life with a different perspective as it reflected on their individual needs.
There are some statistics through sibling analysis that prove on the average your sibling birth order will guide you into various directions.
First born or only children , over achievers, sensitive to parenting needs, more willing to please, matures faster, most likely to succeed, leadership, responsible.
Second born always feel slighted as if they can't measure up to the first born, so they become the opposite, and if more children follow in the family they may fall into several categories that of the second born or a middle child.
Middle children lack the authority of the eldest child and the freedom of the youngest, they fluctuate between being jealous to struggling for parents approval.
In larger families you will have a blend of children that vary on the scale as they struggle to find their place in the family line up.
The youngest child tends to lean towards rebellion, verbally out spoken with a intent not only to be heard but to make their mark in the family line up. Occasionally the baby for life and yet they seem to be given more freedoms then other siblings.
Responsibility at times is take off the parent and thrust on a older child to care for younger.
Many things can alter a child's actual position in life, the birth order is complicated by , how man children in a family, sex of the child, physical attributes, disabilities, intelligence and the overall atmosphere of the family and parents own order in their sibling line up.
In a family that falls short of stability and a healthy emotional atmosphere, communications skills maybe over looked, the positive messages that help build a child's self worth might fall sure of the encouragement needed to build a strong personality that is capable of dealing with adult pressures as life progresses.
When parents are struggling with their own plight in a sometimes unfriendly world, the emphasis on bringing humor and trust and the ultimate love into the home is tainted.
When parents are not being heard, then who listens to the children? The consequences of choices shall challenge the outcome.
Statistics may show a direct relationship between line up and family responsibility, but as you look at more families you will find that there are may who do not fall into the preliminary categories.
The Intelligence test measures only one form of intelligence a keen ability to remember, but I find that comprehension is much more important then how much you retain. If you remember a thousand books read but understand very little of what your reading then how important is the memory. A balance is crucial.
It is true that personality which is DNA mapped will also play a big part in how we view our parents and the horrid stories of childhood. My eldest sister for as much as we are similar we are so very different.
No amount of books or reading can bring a certain
measurement of and outcome, so much is effected by the surroundings, the nest, the love given or not, the age which it is witnessed and of course the inner strength or weakness of each child.
I originally began to write this blog because of my sister who has passed away many years now. She was the most abused of all the children and yet she never once complained, talked about it nor cried. I don't ever remember seeing her cry. She had such a fixed smile on such a beautiful heart and her silent cries continuously went unanswered. I am still sickened to this day as I reflect on the past and all that I had witnessed. If I allowed it to control me, I would be consumed with hatred for what my parents did. Though I seek to understand,I shall never forgive betraying the greatest gift given to a man and woman and that is of a child.
Children should not pay for the sins of the parents!!!!!!!!
As I write tears race down my cheek, for chapters that can never be erased. One thing is clear children understand much more at a earlier age then parents give them credit for. You don't need to be given an example to know right and wrong. My sister said as she seeked psychological help, I quit telling them the truth, because they don't want to believe five children went a lifetime in such an abusive situation without anyone reaching out to help.
My brother who still suffers paralysis also stopped telling the truth and he made up a story of a POW now that was believable to them.
I have always been grateful for my birth order, I believe that it gave me insight. The first question many who went to school with me as a child would ask is why did you shake so badly?
I had no response, constant ongoing abuse in the early years is devastating to children and alters the outcome that was predetermined by the Lord.
Working in a very poor community for 3 days for 15 hours a day has stirred horrible pictures in my mind. As I looked around at the young mothers who are caught up in a world that few will ever understand, my heart felt a ache. The young mothers gathered around as I tried to emphasize the importance of education, a drivers license and a value for their own life...... the tears I shed are not for myself but for those who may be caught up in a system that fails to see.
I am over the road for four days, I want to thanks those who dare to listen and make a difference in another persons life.
For children are the innocence that becomes the future, I weep for that future.
Friday, August 3, 2007
I really am not fond of the word dysfunctional, as so many people are , holding jobs, going to church, living in denial and they are store clerks, doctors, nurses, teachers and street cleaners etc.,they are functioning in their lives.Abusive situations are not discriminatory, they know not race, nor financial status and it reaches all walks of life." A trait or condition that shows no adjustive purpose."Well, my parents didn't think it was abuse, they thought it all fell under discipline " spare the rod spoil the child."
I find it amusing as a friend works with wealthy clients said "the only difference in people are the wealthy all run to the psychologist and well the poverty stricken run to a neighbor"..... some food for thought.
I meet so many people when I am traveling, but there are always a few that manage to find away to pull at the strings of my heart. Though names come and go, their faces are in bedded in my mind like paintings that don't fade. Sometimes they were individual cries for help, other times just someone reaching out or the infamous saying " need to be heard."
Jessie had this biggest most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, her husband was in prison for beating her, and she lived in fear of the day of his release.... her last words to me were." Don't Forget me " another woman I met no names exchanged said " is it ok If I hug you, as she told the story of raising her three sons alone. The stories go on, but one woman stood out in my mind, age had taken its toll and she showed her years, mother to fifteen children. We talked for a very long time, but it was her eyes that talked to me the most. I saw a depth within her that moved something in me. I saw fear and a over all feeling of tired. I was privileged of meeting her and her husband and as she shared bits of her life with me, I knew the life she had lived. She rejoiced in the lives of her children and she cried for the part of her that never had a chance to surface...... I felt almost an instant bonding with these women, all from various walks of life, all had something in common..... their struggles and their fears.
I questioned many times the path already traveled and the path that lay ahead. Lord what are you thinking, why does life have to be so hard? The years build up to take you to the place your meant to be, without the experience the words are merely someone pre written opinions but not necessarily through the eyes of the people. I am frightened why have you given me this gift to see into people souls and write their words for them? My dearest friend reminds me almost daily of the imperfection of humanity. We are all fighting our own demons and they can show up any time..I find myself on all sides of a rock, days when I want to crawl under it and then those I want to stand on top of it and rejoice in accomplishments, and then there are days where I feel like I am behind pushing and still yet days when I feel in front of it as if that rock is ready to topple over me. You find that there is a network of people who understand and those are not the people who place blame or struggle to stay a float but use the inner strength to rise above and help those who cannot help themselves.
I set up for a big event last night it is in a very culturally diverse community, filled with excitement for the days ahead. Unlike rural areas that seem to separate people, this was different there has to be a broader acceptance of the differences, a mutual respect for one another. I feel the heat of the day already rising and yet I feel a chill. I feel one with the excitement and yet restless... I hardly slept the last few days preparing for the event and I am exhausted.... It made me think of the very first art event I ever did... number one question people would ask what if you don't sell? The treasures in life that we receive as gifts come in many forms.... and rarely are the most precious in a monetary form. I am bit a nervous today, restless and anxious...... what will it hold and who will cross my path and why? I should probably take a nap, but I always think just one more piece to put on display one more set of words, one more picture, one more chance to make a difference, if only for a moment in another persons life....
Though I stumble through life, it is the rise and fall that gives us strength....
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I am not sure exactly the sequence of events that allowed me to feel a certain amount of self acceptance. I think it was a combination of timing, age, friendship and a understanding of mental health issues and how they effect a whole family. But I know it's ok to be me!
I have many challenges to tackle in my life, I still battle thoughts of wanting to runaway on a daily basis. I know that where ever I go, what ever I do , my thoughts, my emotions and my battles will follow. I promise myself that I would stand up for what is right, that I would make a difference in peoples lives. A lot has to do with the children, their stability has been the utmost of importance, that they had a chance to break the cycles and have a stronger foundations as they journey out into a new life for themselves.
I feel split and spread in different directions, what is right for me, what is right for the children and what is right for all involved as a family.
It's Okay To Be Me
I'll never be taller then five foot two,
and my eyes will never be brown,
they will always be blue.
I don't need to dye my hair, unless
I don' t like what I see in the mirror.
Weight on , weight off, heavy or thin,
it's okay to have a treat, ice cream
is not a sin.
Curls in the hair or washed and dried
straight, it ok to be me and not be a
To sing and dance and dream and soar,
no walls of brick or locked metal doors.
It is ok to smile and surely to laugh
and I treasure each moment in case
it's my last.
It's ok to believe that tomorrow will
bring a new path to follow and a new
journey to begin.
It.s okay to be me, to live and to love
and to feel the happiness returned
on the flight wings of a dove.
It's okay to be me, I am not perfect
it's true, but with good thoughts and
a warm heart, it will just have to do.
I think that if everyone viewed their being as one with the world around them, accepted what is, for as long as we don't shame or aim the words that would bring pain to another, then we have accomplished in bringing
a little love into another's life. Becareful what you aim at another it has a cruel way of returning........when you least expect it.
Before you condemn, criticize or find fault,
take a step back and put the daggers to a halt.
Take a look in the mirror and look real hard ,
before you point fingers and tear others apart.
Look at your heart, glance at your soul, view
the emptiness that surely took hold.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Denial is a cruel little tool that emotion uses to avoid the inevitable. We clearly see our choices but we allow a barricade of bricks to build up around us. What is it we fear most? "What do we fear but fear itself." I find when two people are viewing life on a different plateau, that hope and faith must be redirected. If they choose to stand idle in the center of a storm, no amount of reaching will pull their partner to safe shelter. I found this to be interesting, I read it many years back " when a person enters into a relationship with the hope to change their partner, either one of two things happen, they fail and realize that no amount of coaxing can change or encourage a person to grow, unless they also want it or they succeed in bringing change on their partner just to watch them walk away." Either way walking into a relationship thinking you can bring about change in another rarely ever works.
I found this story a couple of years back about a women who was strong enough to walk away and counsel many women in abusive situations, only to be murdered by her x husband. We use to think it was a Pennsylvania problem, men who think marriage is ownership and the more I read, the more people I talk with the more I see it is a world wide problem. If you have a chance view the story http://efstew.tripod.com/Rachel.html
It is called respect you cannot have a partnership without mutual respect for one and other.
Trust just as important, without trust you have already fallen off the first step of a good relationship. Anytime fear enters a relationship for any reason, it becomes a warden and prisoner. I thought to myself why would anyone want a person who doesn't want to be there.
Life with out smiles, joy and happiness. I might be a bit Idealistic but as short as life is if you cannot be happy then you are already dead.
I have been there, where I felt dead, just a spectacle of a mere existence. Living the life someone else deem to be the path I follow. When I looked at myself, I barely recognized who I had become. Someone's mother another's wife and a huge part of me was dead.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Many ways we relate when we have grown up in a particular era. I heard I heard the phrase many times, but never really comprehended it " the generation gap." The problems my mother faced were unique to that time frame, when divorce wasn't heard of and well a woman's place was in the home, I think for my generation, we were tested with extreme change in motion. Freedom was coming to both women and minorities. I look at the my children and the times they are growing up in, it is filled with the pros and cons that we all met up with, packaged a little differently.
When one of the children would say not me....... our response would me "Never say never" Times they are a changing. In every time period you will see both good and bath. To much freedom is like giving people a rope to hang themselves, stifle them and creativity is crushed. Is there a middle ground? I really don't know, simply because if your living life your experiencing both the good and bad of it all.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
We do the best we can in any given situation, what is best for ourselves and our children. Each child views and comprehends life in their own way. The adage" out of the mouth babes" Children are not born to lie, they are taught to lie. So through the eyes of youth we see their reality as they view it, the innocence uncomplicated. The value of being a good listener is as important as being a good speaker.
On the main stage of life we have what we need to get through any given situation. But there are the visions of more, our personal needs, those of our children. It is not a easy situation for any parent who must surface from a divorce. Depending on each individuals needs, they have many obstacles to over come and it's not that the children are being overlooked in a situation, but that we can only do so much.
There are no easy answers because as similar as life may seem to each of us, it is very unique, as unique as each individual Yet it is the repetition of similarity of any given situation that pulls
us together and teaches us what road we shall travel next or how best we can travel it.
I looked back at my son who is now twenty five years old and there were situations that I was not so happy with in his childhood. I had three sons at the time, the children were 1 , 5 and 7 years of age. I can only tell you that life always seemed to be to be this huge struggle. What was meant to be a family outing stands out in my mind as a very sad memory. We were out on a picnic, the children excited carrying fishing rods and I was carry the baby supplies the picnic basket blankets etc. The little one needed to go the bathroom and I should have stopped what I was doing, but I continued on. My eldest was soon to be eight years old and his father yelled loudly give your mother a hand. He expected the children to fill in the position where I felt it was a fathers responsibility or a mother..I always was so tired... it was such the struggle. The boys didn't handle the situation as their father expected them too. They were so exited they wanted to run and play. He was old school their worth based on the duties fulfilled. We crossed many times on the issue of discipline. Was it discipline or abuse?He started to swing the rods at the children, move faster I told you to help your mother. The younger one jumped and caught the bruising of the rod, my oldest always seem to stand up to his father stood staunch without flinching and as I yelled for him to stop, I saw the rod whip him as blood ran down his thighs.
Situations like that were not everyday, there is rage and the calm, like a bad game. I never stood by and allowed my children to be abused and many times I stood between them. As more children came along I was now more aware and less likely to allow his violent outrage to touch the children. It was very much like a yo yo and up and down scenario.
I learned quickly that I had to defend my children, to protect them, I was their mother, home is one of comfort not of fear. The situations with the younger became more verbal then physical, I threaten to take the children and never look back.
I can remember the very first event I ever did, there we were my daughter and I for the first time out on our own. It was a wonderful mother daughter bonding. Out of the mouth of babes, " momma when are we going to have enough money for our own apartment. I don't want to go home." Each sell she counted the money, I tried to explain to her, this pays one month what will pay for another. She cried the whole trip home, she said I thought I'd miss the animals, she said I didn't miss anything. I wanted for my children to have the stability I did not, but at what price? Isolation is the tool of the controller, keep them away from people and cut off the outreach, no connection no help. You feel as if you have no where to turn. It took years for me to get beyond my own fears, it took the listening ear of a friend to help build my own confidence. I was forty eight years old when I finally stood up for myself and with outside help learned to drive and for the first time I now had a drivers license. It was one brick in the wall down.
No matter how much you try to hide from children, they know more then you can imagine. She is not only my daughter she is my best friend, and a God given gift. One day I said how did I end up so lucky to have you as a daughter and why this late in my life? She looked at me with that angelic smile of hers and she said, " because God knew you would need me now, as much as I need you" She is a child way beyond her age and I try not to rob her of that. I think at times we
are growing up together, she is teaching me more about life and myself then I ever imagined.
I think my two eldest children paid for my immaturity, as I did not know how to handle the situation. But strong you become and you realize how important it is to stand up for yourself and your children.. Perfect people, that just doesn't exist, we are just people. living learning and
experiencing life. But most of all with all my faults I wanted my children to know one thing and one thing above all I have always and will always love them.
the worst are those that hold closed the mind.
Out of the mouth babes,
My eldest son said " I thought we were the perfect family, any punishment I received I deserved. "
My second born said, " He is a old sick man"
My third born said, " That like pack wolves the eldest male controls the pack... "scary thought there.
My forth born, " visions of grandeur"
My fifth born said" you have two hands and I have two hands, that means you have four"
My sixth born " I don't like him, anymore then he likes me"
Six children, six different views.......
As I end this, I want to thank you for responding, I was touched Matty by your heartfelt response to a emotional and personal time of your life. It takes courage and love for oneself to
tread in untraveled waters. Every child views life from their perspective, a mother does what she thinks is best not for one child but for all the children. It is obvious your love for your children and the journey you accepted as you stood to make a choice for all involved. You should feel a sense of pride, for each of your children carries with them your love. We have a habit as mothers to compare our children one to the other, it's human nature... but look at is as more that each is walking their own path, choosing a direction. The beauty of Character is the diversity that surfaces. I just wanted to say there is a heavy burden placed on a mother who raises sons without a father figure. I said Lord what are you doing? I know nothing about raising boys. I taught them how to cook and a full range of household responsibilities, I taught them to see through my eyes, but how I wished they had a male mentor to teach them what a man should know. I remember when my first born went out on his own, he said Mum it's not like" the world according to Mother." I felt that I gave them my values of life, " treat those as you would like to be treated, show respect for your elders, what goes around comes around and
keep your nose clean and your zipper up. "
Monday, July 16, 2007
There will be days like this... sitting here and I keep thinking, what else can go wrong and then I say don't be so silly, pull it together, you have so much to be grateful for. Then I think of you and I know that if today were my last, I have loved and have had love returned... Hold my hand and like a flame in breeze soar.
Memories are little released life rafts, part of our selective memory, a balance of positive and negative that gives us the strength to continue on a positive path or unfortunately a repetitive path of destruction. I find that there must have been little balance for me before the age of ten, as those years are draped with a curtain of darkness with very few memories surfacing. Personality does play a big part as does the absorption of our surroundings, the average child will indeed try to emulate the behavior of adults. If the statement is all so true, then each child in a less then positive situation would react the same way. I find this to be so far from the truth. The moral behavior based on right and wrong and what is acceptable in society would be the guide lines for choices. I do believe instinct is naturally instilled an as we age we fight the natural instinct of right and wrong. It is as simple as the emotion bases feelings we experience on a daily basis, not as much as a conscience as I believe most would like to believe, but a deeper sense of what feels good
and what feels bad.
If you place your hand to close to a fire, soon you will pull away as your reaction to stay is to get burned. One of the most common reactions in a child that doesn’t feel comfortable in their surroundings is to “runaway” . Unfortunately this is not always an option, as what is the safe alternative to the negative source. For those who are willing to reach out in their youth, I believe the community should offer more youth programs
that are strong in the lessons of acceptable communities moral code.
Responsibility for our youth has lapsed over the years, the media does not hold their reporting to high standards and the more negative the behavior of sports players andmovie stars, singers etc the more attention they receive. The weaker standards of the community is like a woven blanket with many holes. Who catches those falling through, guides them and gives them an alternative? We cannot teach ethics nor rebuild character, but with proper guidance I believe we can give opportunities to those who know they are in a negative situation and are struggling to survive. Many will say it’s not the community nor the schools responsibility to provide a curriculum that provides lessons of moral conduct, then at least we should be able to provide a safe and warm place for children to turn. I repeat my fathers words as words of failure “ do as I say, not as I do”. For children overwhelming will do as they see. If as adults we fail to be responsible,what message do we send our children?
I have always thought it to be a blessing to be the fourth child in my family neither privileged as the baby nor that as the eldest, I found that I stood in a position where I could view all around me, the consequences of action. In some instances I felt as I knew the outcome, I also knew how to respond. There are two ways to in code a moral conduct , through fear or love. Both very strong methods that provide for various outcomes. Every child that survives the lessons of childhood will become and adult to pass on the same lessons. It is not in the preaching of the words of the Lord, but in living the words of the Lord. Even in the most perfect of worlds we will find people are different and will react differently to a situation.....yet it is not hopeless for if one child finds a role model, someone they can look up to and emulate then indeed all is not hopeless.
I remember when I signed up for dental school, it was all because of the way one woman spoke to me, each visit to the dentist office she smiled and had a glow about her... I so at that time of my life wanted to be just like her. I don’t think I was much different then most teenagers, they are all looking up to and adult as a role model..... are we providing
enough positive role models?
I say unto the children, if ye need run, run to my arms.