Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Child Who Would Become a Woman and the Woman who is still...

I shared my "children's blog" with a friend, it's not often that you reveal the layers of your life from childhood to the present. I found it to be some what emotional allowing a person that close to you, inside of you, inside your heart and your mind. I read through some of the diary like post that I had written over the years and it all seem to begin and end with the insight of a ten year old. I am not sure why it was at ten that my memories are so clear. It was a new home, stability, hope and the first step into adulthood. The house bordered a wooded area and I remember that being a retreat through all four seasons. I guess I was a bit of a tomboy and climbing the wild cherry and apple trees and hauling them home for my mother to make pies. In some ways you hold to those good moments to get you through the not so. I don't think our life was in any sense normal and I laugh at the word and my request to the Lord for normal.
The image is clear, I can see my childhood bedroom as if I were sitting in the bedroom right at this moment and gazing out the window. Through the backyard you could see the school right across the street, I only attended that particular school for 6 months. Patriotism, I painted my room in fire engine red and white and blue against the clerk at the stores opposition to it. I remember him saying " no one will be able to paint over those dark bold colors." What was so important about this time period, this age of ten? Time before that is fuzzy and very unclear, almost like still pictures that have yet to be focused in on. I woke early this morning and it was as if I was in that bedroom,it was that clear and my thoughts at that time were as clear to me as my thoughts of today. There was never any doubt in my mind that I grew up in a family who suffered from mental health issues and also that there was is still a stigma attached to it. There are those who will say that those stigmas are no longer there, I beckon to disagree. I have always been a bit prone to want to see changes implemented, those which lean on the prevention side, rather than waiting till a person and a family suffers before stepping forward. I guess that is a bit difficult to recognize the signals and maybe not. There are triggers in life that signal a individuals need for help.
The ten year old part of me is very important because it was at this time I recognized and understood the plight of my parents. Also it was when I declared that I would personally bring an awareness or make a difference in the world. Some dream for a child? but I do believe as I did those many years ago that we can change the way people see and feel and react to stress in their lives.
The keyword that brought the visual back to me was the word "hope" When you are young and through out your young life you maintain that hope as you get older you realize it is not all as easy as that. I have always had this fear of leaning on another person, there is a comfort that comes with that, you would think that comfort is good! I never realized that I had placed a shield around myself, invisible maybe, but it allowed people only so close, before backing away. Do they see me? Do they understand? Afraid yes! Afraid to not be strong, will they or can they make me stronger, can I lean my head upon their shoulder and relax and let my guard down, remove the shield? So many questions that you ask yourself. It is important the friendships we create, the partnerships we form and the journey that awaits us. Crucial is the need to feel that kinship, the acceptance and the walk side by side. Where one cannot only receive the energy but return the love and become a unity which is strengthened, independtly and jointly. Respect and love for one another and a common goal to make the world a better place.
What lesson had growing up in such dysfunction teach? We all see it differently, it affects us all in various ways, for me it was DON'T BREAK THE EGGS! I went through most of life, not breaking the eggs, tippy toeing, analyzing, trying to be perfect in a not perfect world, until I felt that world crumble around me. Be Strong! You are the glue that holds it all together! Am I?

With these hands I form the clay,
and the visual is what will stay.
Hope and faith in a brand new
day and a friendship that grows
along the way.

I am not afraid to hold your hand,
kind and gentle a part of the plan.
The Lord had spoken his words are
true and he redirected the path to you.

Confident in life I stand and rest
assured of the days demands. The
quest through life is to reveal as
surely as to the soul it is to heal.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Control your destiny and free your soul

I have taken the time to read a few of my readers blogs today and I read about those who have felt suffering at the hands or words of others. Big question they asked were they worthy of a better life? An unequivocal yes! We are responsible as we take control of our destiny. Sane or insane? as long as a person doesn't try to hurt themself or another person, it doesn't matter what people think, only what you think. It takes courage to think outside the box, to dare and make changes, to love one self enough that they begin to see the gifts within them.
If you feel uncomfortable about a situation follow your gut instinct. No one deserves to be abused, called names, hit, belittled, pulling hair, pushed, made to feel inferior, less than, etc. We are equal in the sense that we are all given a gift. Who chooses to use them and abuse them is to be seen. The importance is to focus on your internal being and finding that path which leads you down the journey of choice. I believe that people are reaching out for help and help never comes. What it is people need, I think self worth opens doorways leading a person down a path of distinction.
It is wonderful to hear compliments but the greatest compliment is one you can give yourself. Remember that you have taken the first step to seek change, to journey forward. We may never be able to right the wrongs,but we can learn from the mistakes of others to stop the cycle of abuse in our own relationships as well as others.
I look at my own family and I can tell you that each of them has related to a situation differently, doesn't make it right or wrong. All it means is that each of them see and feel differently about what has happen to them,each is stronger and weaker in different ways. Find the strength in your life, in your spirit and allow it to guide you down a new path. It is not right and never can we condone abuse, but we can have the last say. We can make a difference, bring to light the hurt, the scars and the confusion that is so placed upon us. Our journey lays the ground work for a new tomorrow. If one child is spared and one soul freed, it is all worth it.

Friday, March 12, 2010


After I sat down and wrote to the blog, my sister called. We began to talk, she asked " what are you doing?" I told her I was writing on a blog. She said " what about?" Life! She is my eldest sister, there is a tight bond between her and I. She always seem to think she needed to shelter me from everything, from what goes on in life and even threw today. In her eyes no matter how I age, I am her little sister who needs protecting. I read a few of the pieces on the blog. I didn't feel good about it, she is always so strong and she just cried and cried and cried. She said" I didn't know you wrote about that, I didn't know". I told her it's of course my view, how the dysfunction affected me and how I find it to be my release, as if I am " blowing in the wind".
Healing, how we heal, how long it takes to heal, that all varies from individual to individual. How we view the terror in our minds, swallow and digest is also unique to each. Of course I have to remember that my eldest sister was my mother figure and for my sister who passed away the two of them were very close in age and had a completely different bond. For her the death still leaves a sour taste in her mouth, even after all these years. She blames herself for not reacting, fixing it, making it all better, putting a band aid on it all.
It all sheds light on the importance and the results that coming from being either the eldest, the middle child or the baby in a family. I never really gave it much thought but it all does make a difference in what you walk away with. Sis was always the one you leaned on, but she needs someone to lean on. I try to be that person for her, the little sister who has grown up.
I haven't cried in sometime, but the tears are not for me. I cry for Sis because she is in limbo. I sent her a package in the mail with some items that I feel might keep her busy and thus help her to heal.
This is the tricky part with life, the healing process. I had a friend, I guess you can call it a one sided friendship, I needed him and he ended up being a habitual liar. It took me sometime to get over that, but also it taught me how to stand and be accountable for my actions. I mention it only in the fact that it took me years to get over it. Listening, is quite a valuable quality to have, but many of us and I include myself in that fail to listen. Listen when others speak, listen to self,listen to heart and soul. The truth is always there, we just need to listen.
Healing, I don't know if we ever really heal. I know that over the years the blows are softened. It is not about forgetting because our experiences become a part of who we are. The healing process includes both the good and bad that we trail along on. There are a few things we can do to speed up the process, keeping our minds busy, helping those who have not found the courage to help them self and realizing that what happen, though as bad as it may seem is a part of life and the journey.
Why do bad things happen to good people? That is a very important question! I am not sure there is real good answer for that, wrong place, wrong time, there are many reasons we end up in our own little corner of our world. People like to point fingers, but I believe everyone is capable and more importantly able to find the healing process that will work for them. Have faith, think, react, seek, the goodness within your self. I believe everything and anything is possible, love is pure and un-adulterer and it is our first tool that we given which helps in the healing process.
Children are victims, they are the simplicity of life, they lean upon us for lessons of life, to learn, to speak, to find their place in the world. We can make a difference in the world if we look at this beautiful resource, our children. Stopping the cycle is not always easy, but it is possible. Give the children in your world a chance, give to your local boys clubs and children's clubs, volunteer with the children's organizations. Sometimes it's the only good memories some of these children will ever have.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Have Faith...

It is not like I am afraid to give my name or that I am embarrassed or ashamed. The parts of my life include many other people and I didn't feel it was quite right to at this time bring to light all of my family, due to respect for them. I choose to write because at times I find it theraputic and also to let others know they are not alone. I have spoken locally and still speak when requested, but this forum was not meant to bring attention to me, but to educate and hopefully lead people to the professionals who can help.
It was odd my first instinct when asked what was my name, to hide and if small enought to fit under a big rock, I would have. If anyone is truly interested or would need further information or guidance, I will glady help them in finding or seeking the proper channels in which they can reach out. Anyone who wishes to email in private can email me at autumn_g2000@yahoo.com

Thanks to all who continue to stop by and find some merit in my writing.

When I was a very young child I believe that there couldn't possibly be a God or he would not have let bad things happen to good people. That is a pretty common thought and very shallow when it comes to faith. I do believe we journey for a reason and that the gift to communicate to others is a part of my journey. I do this on many levels, both in my local community and on a national level. There are those who like to keep their hands clean in helping people by raising funds for awareness and help and that is wonderful as well. But I truly believe that to reach people and to give people alternatives is as important as the shelters, the schools and the organizations that are out there. God is love and to see it any other way is the frightening reality of our world. If everyone dare to keep the faith and the love within them and allow that to guide them, we will see that the world morph into a better place.

It is not so important who I am nor is it as important who speaks for those who cannot. What is crucial is that people understand that their are options,that we are human and there is no one right way. As common as the experiences seem to be from one victim to another, each is still very unique to the heart and soul of each person. Please remember that education and experience is so important to bringing and end to the evils of abuse.