Unseen Pain

The worst is not the lash out at the flesh,

but the strike against the spirit.

I realized there are many ways to die,

I have felt the death of my soul.

Our Prayers and Condolences

It seems trivial to write about any ones own person war today, when all you have to do is listen to the news to hear the horror stories. There is two similarities in all of it we have a predator and a victim. People don't choose to become victims, it can simply be a of circumstances, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

A warped sense of power is all it takes to destroy a life, how sad is that. For the victims and families of the Fort hood military base in Texas our prayers go out to those who have died and those who continue to struggle in the hospital. Young men and women just into adulthood, who signed on with the military to defend our country and yet it is those within who have taken them down.

The ugly truth of reality is that evil exist and thrives.

Caught in the web of dysfunction

I have always been bothered by those who place judgement on a victim who has endured long term abuse. The circumstances around each situation is unique to those who find them self in this predicament. One comment recently that still leaves sour a taste is that" the victim must thrive or love the drama. " This statement alone speaks of ignorance and how little those who have not experienced any form of an abuse understand.

Imagine for one moment you are the fly in the web, the hard you try to pull away the tighter the silk becomes until you can almost not breathe. What is silk web made of ? It is filled with an abundance of circumstances, fear, insecurity and a list of weaknesses that are yet to be revealed in each individual case. One of the main concerns I have is the erosion of confidence as well the lack of independence. The vulnerability which enables a person to be caught in the web may be triggered by ones empathy, forgiveness and in truth heart. Sometimes it as simple as our Christian upbring which teaches us to forgive. This in itself allows for repetition.

Is there away out? There is always away out. Sometimes we have to stop struggling, calm down and think our way out. The A plan reveals and alternate path, friends and family who are willing to help,other times it is not that easy, because we have to first work on our own insecurities and find the confidence to stand on our two feet. It is not always as easy as it sounds. The web is a tricky trap, because it is being spun way before you know your even trapped. This is the first step which I call circumstance it leads you in the direction of the web.

I myself have battled the web of dysfunction. Because there is no one way or right way to find that freedom, the road can be treacherous and long. There are many factors that come into play and each must be weighed out. What is right for the individual and the others involved in an extensive part of the release, timing, education, knowledge, confidence and alternatives. Just a few the factors that must be in place as we prepare to make a turn in the journey.

There are for sure very violent cases and these to must be thought out. Having a birth certificate ssn for yourself and your children are the first steps in breaking away. I was surprised for many this was a difficult endeavor as many are stripped of the initial paperwork. Which now days you can apply online. With that in mind there are organizations that are willing to help in bringing back to your life a sense of independence. The many women I have met fall into all age groups. Out here where I live the first thread of the web consist of isolation. Many have no access, to friends, family, transportation or the technology of phone. Hard to believe in this day age that so many are so controlled. There are many women who have accepted the path of a control freak, this to is a form of survival and sometimes the only life a person will ever know.

Rule number one there is no right or wrong, no judgement placed on a victim. How and when they reach for help is as important as the fact they did. Education is golden and to remove the threat of the web, we must first remove each thread of dysfunction one piece at a time.

Thanks Gail. mental health

Gail recommended this website and after reading a good bit of it, I think it is one worth recommending. Though much of it is about helping directly those who are mentally ill. I did find that they offer information for those who deal with mental issues, of either parents or siblings.

It is not about comparing apples to oranges, though of course their are different degrees of mental health. Dad had his mental disability diagnosed from the Veterans and though he did get treatment, his mental health issues became my mothers and became ours. Sadly enough, a whole family is affected by the actions of one.

My sister doesn't have computer access and though I myself have worked through much of the issues that we lived with and have found and outreach she has not. Unfortunately she is reliving it through tapes and newspaper clippings and so for her the information you provided will help her in many ways. That she is not alone and she can surface above the hauntings of the past.

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=70800

Mental Health and Abuse

Living with mentally ill parents. Mental health issues are unlike any other illness. Unlike a physical illness you can't see it and unlike drugs and alcohol, you have no crutch in which to place blame. To the outside world many mental health issues go unknown. For the children of the mentally ill, It has best been described as a war zone with no obvious sides. Since schizophrenia seems to involve multiple genes, it's certainly possible to inherit only some of them and be affected in a different way. Other conditions such as depression, panic disorder, Asperger's or Autism, or even extraordinarily low self esteem seem to be common among children of parents with schizophrenia. This could be related to genetic inheritance, the general stress of being a primary caregiver to a mentally ill parent, or a combination of factors.

Some children also exhibit symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the result of, as one child who grew up with schizophrenic parents, "growing up in a war zone with no training, no army behind us, [and] no rules."

It's very important for children of mentally ill parents, whether they are formally diagnosed with a disorder or not, to get support for their own difficult situations.

There is also a fear that the apple don't fall far from the tree and that mental illness is contagious or our genetic might predispose us to this mental health weakness.

Whether we are entering a relationship or we are an individual caught up in mental issues, some tabu's need to be removed. 1. Mental health many times has no warning signs and than again smart people have mental heath issues. . 2. Loyalty to family is not a form of condoning, sometimes it is guilt, fear and love for family. 3. Social skills, Being shut off from so called normal people produces both physically and psychologically issues,what is normal? 4. Life skills, are sometimes as simple as how do we respond to negative situations or simple everyday ones. 5 Mental health issues are not contagious but can predispose us to extreme situations of anger, depression and stress. 6. . Fear: Fear of becoming like the ill parent, or fear of becoming ill themselves this may alter their own lives. 7. Love or to not love a parent, to forgive or to not forgive. Children of mentally abused parents carry an extreme burden that few would undestand unless they themselves grew up in a mental ill family. Secrets that stay hidden in the closet and others that are never so easily hidden all play a nasty game on children. Who is the enemy? who are we at battle with? who do we love? what is normal? Can we forgive? how do we remove the stigma of mental health? Is there a cure? Why me? Can it happen to you? Sometimes we are predisposed genetically, other times it's social factors as well as circumstances and others factors as time and place. My mother chose to take her life, she had 4 children and she didn't know where to turn for help. She jumped form the 16th street bridge , the children live her sin.

Giving Advice.

There is a horrible similarity in many of these stories below they were all trying to divorce, get away or somehow break the cycle of abuse. If I have one goal it is teach to people to be aware of an abuser before stepping into a relationship with one. That overly doting personal just maybe one of the first signs, but there are many red flags. Which we will list at a later date.

This to people who freely want to tell people what to do, many including my own sister took others peoples advice to get out of their present situation and following that advice ended up dead in one way or another, unless you are willing to open your home and keep a person in hiding for some time, advice on how stupid a person is for staying or how they love the drama or that they some how want the abuse, will not be accepted here on this blog.

NO one ask to be abused, No One wants to be pushed around hit, called names forced into sex, everyone does't have the same options in getting out. I am reluctant to mention blogs or particular people, you know who you are and hopefully before you point fingers and put the blame on the victim, you read the countless stores of men and women who tried to get away and succeeded in only to be killed. Lots of Advice not always good advice, that doesn't mean we stay in a situation and take abuse it means every answer is unique to each person.

Remember the old carpenter tool measure twice ,c cut once, think before you give advice, think twice.

There are options and alternatives to seeking family counseling and professional advice, it isn't always black and white.

Tammy Gail Hanna Morris
Beloved Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend...."Our Angel In Heaven"
March 13, 1959-June 21, 1981
Stalked and shot to death by the husband she was divorcing. His statement at the time of his arrest: "If I can't have her, no one is going to."

Janne L. Walters
August 3, 1957- September 13, 1998
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Mother, Grandmother and Best Friend
Janne's neck was broken when she told her abusive boyfriend to move out. Dearly loved and always missed.

Richard G. "Rick" Whitcomb, Jr.
May 10, 1972- January 19, 1996
"Rick was murdered by his abusive ex-girlfriend, Vickie L. Frost, 5 days after he ended their relationship. She stabbed him once in the chest, severing his left ventricle. He was pronounced dead less than an hour later. She was sentenced to only 7 - 25 years for taking his precious life. Rick is "Home Free" in heaven and we look forward to the day when we will see his smiling face once again."

Anna Mae Cox
Mother, Mema, Daughter, Sister and Believe

Rachel Susan Miller
Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend
May 27, 1970- April 26, 2000
Stalked and Battered by her first husband. She was called home to God 13 days after the brutal assault. Bruce Daniels changed his plea to guilty to charges of murder before trial was to begin and was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Complete transcript of Bruce Daniels Interview with the police is linked below, as is the transcript of his hearing where he changed his plea to guilty. Rachel leaves behind a daughter, two sisters, three brothers and countless friends who miss her very much.

Christopher Nicolas Miller, Unborn Child
Rachel Miller was pregnant with Baby Christopher when Rachel was murdered. Bruce Daniels received no punishment for killing Christopher because of a technicality.

Tyler Edmond Daniels Miller
May 17, 1989- June 11, 2001
Beloved Son, Brother, Nephew, Cousin, Friend
Killed himself because he could not bear the pain of his mother's murder from Domestic Violence by his biological father, Bruce Daniels. Tyler was 12 years old.

Nichole Francine Garrett
Beloved Daughter, Mother, Friend
February 12, 1969- November 7, 1999
Former battered wife, now deceased.

Brian William Craig
February 1, 1966 - July 3, 1989

Heather Lynne Williamson
Beloved Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Friend
May 21, 1976- April 19, 1999
Stalked, Beaten, and Stabbed to death by an ex- boyfriend 9 months after ending their relationship.

Matthew James Williamson
Beloved Son
January 20, 1977- January 20, 1977
Stillborn child, died as a result of a hard blow to his pregnant mother's stomach by his father.

Cynthia Rena Williamson
Beloved Daughter
December 23, 1978- December 23, 1978
6 1/2 month old fetus, died as a result of her pregnant mother being kicked in the stomach with steel tipped workboots by her estranged father.

Melissa Faye Lonon
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Mother, Friend
May 20, 1981- November 5, 1999
Kidnapped and shot to death by her estranged boyfriend and father of their children, when she tried to end their relationship.

Wendy Ann Croote
February 28, 1966- June 24, 1990
Abused Wife and Mother of a young son, pregnant with another son. Shot to death by her husband.
"She was loved and will always be missed. She will remain Forever Young. Love, Mom and Dad".

Baby David Croote
June 24, 1990- June 24, 1990
"Our little darling, we never got to hold you or kiss you. In your Mama's arms forever. Love, Grandma and Grandpa".

Wylea Estee' Smith
Beloved Daughter, Granddaughter, Niece, Cousin, "Lil Girl", Friend
March 31, 1966- August 19, 1994
Stalked and Murdered by an ex- boyfriend.

Desiree'Ann Morgan
Beloved Daughter and Friend, Aspiring model
July 14, 1981- January 4, 1999
Abducted and shot January 3, 1999. She died the next day at age 17.

Rosmari Elaine Celeste Pleasure
September 12, 1963-March 2, 1998
Gunned down by a male acquaintance in the driveway of her Memphis home.
A More Excellent Way, Inc. (AWay) was born in response to this tragedy and is committed to bringing an end to these violent acts that plague our community.

James "Jamie" William McCombs, Jr.
Beloved Son, Father and Friend
February 12, 1973- May 12, 1998
Shot twice with a .22 rifle and tortured by Anthony Allen Myers. Myers, along with his wife, Rebecca Lynn Myers, who is Jamie's ex- girlfriend and mother of his daughter Ashley Marie (deceased November 22, 1997 under suspicious circumstances), confessed and pleaded guilty to Jamie's murder in a hearing on October 27, 2000. Anthony Myers was sentenced to life without parole for first degree murder, 30 years for armed robbery, and 5 years for use of a firearm during a violent crime; Rebecca Lynn Myers was sentenced to life without parole for aiding and abetting murder and first degree burglary after the fact.

Lauren Elizabeth Hafford
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Niece, Cousin, and Friend
February 17, 1977 - April 13, 1999
Physically and emotionally abused by the man she loved, her husband. She left him, because he did not follow through on promises to get the counseling he needed. She was at work, talking to her sister on the phone, when he shot her in the back of the head at point-blank range.

Gina Marie Lupson-Holden-Young
Beloved Daughter, Mother, Sister, Friend
June 1, 1967- June 9, 1993

Shaun Edward Lupson-Holden
Beloved Son, Grandson, Brother, Nephew, Friend
December 1, 1989- June 9, 1993

Joshua Lee Lupson-Holden
Beloved Son, Grandson, Brother, Nephew
November 10, 1992- June 9, 1993
*All three, Mother and two young sons, perished in an arson- related fire in their home, started by Gina's husband when he doused the home with gasoline, lit a match and walked away unscathed. He was sentenced on October 10, 1995 to three consecutive life sentences.*

Kim Reilmann
February 28, 1964- April 25, 1999
Beloved Mother, Daughter, Niece
"Attacked and beaten in the head with a hammer; several of the 5 blows penetrated her brain. Her husband broke into her home only four days after being released from jail for breaking an order of protection against him. She lived on life support for three days before she died. All her family's love and prayers could not bring our dear Kim back. During her attack her step father went to check on her and he also was beaten with the same hammer by Kim's husband. He has permanent brain injuries to this day. In many cases there is physical violence from the beginning. In our situation, he was never physically abusive to her, not until he realized she wanted a life without him. He is awaiting trial for Kim's murder and the state is seeking the death penalty. Kim is forever missed by her family and her many friends. Her daycare babies will always remember Kim even though they were so young when this happened. Kim is forever loved and sadly missed by her four children, her mother and Aunt Toni."

Sharon Kaye Flick
Beloved Mother
Murdered by her husband December 27, 1988. She was stabbed 40+ times with an ice pick after enduring beatings all day.

Judy Beth (Jones) Coulson
Beloved Sister and Aunt
Murdered by her ex- husband. She was shot twice in the back with a shotgun and died trying to reach the phone for help.

Denise Robin Edwards
Murdered by her boyfriend.

Vincent Sardi
January 16, 1971- February 14, 2001

http://www.angelfire.com/pa4/dvmemorial/

National Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Month is quickly coming to end. We hope that we raised some consciousness about Domestic Violence. Domestic violence usually occurs in the privacy of the home. By speaking out and supporting victims of abusive relationships we hope to encourage through education and awareness the viable options for victims. Sometimes it is merely addressing a problem within the home and other times it may be to prepare a plan of escape.

Survivors

There are different stages of abuse and various extremes. Treating people less than God intended is never acceptable. The most serious of abuse cases never really ever are exposed. There is a simple reason for that and it either stems from fear or a condition in which we are taught to protect the abuser. Until we accept responsibility in giving althernatives and education to children we will always have those diryt little secrets. I am priveledged to meet the people that I have and watch as they take the reigns and pull ahead beyond their own personal demons.

I want to thank Gail for her sincerity and kindness as she embraces her own journey in a road that has many twist and turns. Someone once said help comes to those who help themself, and this may or may not be true. It never hurts to have a helping hand.

Survivors, empowered by love to gain the strength to overcome.

What is Abuse? - A Warning List

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

• pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
• threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
• threatening suicide to get you to do something
• using or threatening to use a weapon against you
• keeping or taking your paycheck
• puts you down or makes you feel bad
• forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
• keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!

Why Stay? Time Might Not Be The Option.

It always amazes me when people place blame on the victim. Why didn't you leave? File a restraining order? Get a divorce? Leave your home? This site was created not to condone violence and surely not to place more blame on the victim. It is a very powerful negative force that works in an abusive family or relationship. The reasons behind this site are so important because those who step out are criticized. Imagine how many people live in an abusive situation that no one knows about. Upstanding communities, educated, but they hide it all very well.

This is a safe haven, no one will judge you here and if necessary will guide you in the right direction where you can find professional help . If nothing else here you will find other readers are caring and warm and will understand the pain that exist in the darkest corners of your mind.

Twenty four year old Anna Marie Lutz was murdered by her live in thirty eight year old boyfriend. You won't hear big headline stories, because she wasn't a sports player, politician or famous actor or singer. Anna Marie Lutz is one of the thousands of abuse cases that goes undetected until it results in murder. There is no excuse for such violence upon another human being, we all have the option of walking away from a domestic dispute. Anna lived twenty four short years on this earth and her time was cut short by one persons lack of self control and horrendous choice to strike out at a beautiful young woman.

How many women are caught up in domestic violence? I don't believe we will ever know the truth, for as many cases that are revealed, there are that many more that we will never find exposed. Some choose to stay out of fear, others think they can handle it, many feel there is no options or alternatives and many believe they have nowhere else to go. Pride and embarrassment as well as denial reveal itself when options are offered. To reach out in anger and hit a person you claim to love doesn't happen just once, it most likely happened before or will happen again. Anna Maire Lutz was not one of the lucky ones, she doesn't get a second chance to make a choice, to escape, to get away, to live her life.

Judge not less

yea be Judged!

Discipline?

How many times has abuse teetered and been taken on as discipline?" Spare the rod and spoil the child" Even though abuse was on the extreme side, I think it was the domestic war that made the most amount of impact in a destructive way. I am not talking the on going screaming and yelling breaking of windows, objects and anything that was breakable. My parents were strict, go figure " dysfunction with a cause" Fear we lived with fear, it had become our lives.
My mother had a clear love hate going on for my father, I think she loved to hate him. She couldn't get away herself, she clearly wanted him dead. Saturdays were the typical cleaning day and flipping the mattress over each week was normal part of cleaning up. My mother had a bad habit of leaving her chosen weapons for the week either under the sofa cushions or bed pillows. It was really weird, you know it doesn't belong their but your afraid to touch it. The list is so long, guns, knives, hatchets, hammers, she just wanted the man dead.
I remember this one day, I thought that the new house and going back home was a sign that the bad memories were behind us. I can't really tell you what they fought about, lot of times it was other people. My mother a people person and my father completely opposite. This one day, my mother grabbed my sister and I and threw us in the bedroom, my father was trying to kick the door in. She called his name out and said get away from the door, she moved the dresser in front of it. He still was pushing the door in and moving the furniture. She cocked the gun and she aimed it at the doorway. Bullet after bullet through the furniture into the door. We stayed in the room with her till early ours of the night. He always left but he always came back. I just don't understand any of it. I don't ever remember talking with anyone about it. You know even as brother and sisters we never spoke about it. I know it was normal, but I can almost say I didn't know what normal was, it was the only life I knew.
The following day my father came back and he fixed the holes in the furniture and the doorway as if it was expected. He always seem to blame us for mothers episodes, " look what you made her do! It's all your fault" It is something how you learn to read people, the eyes really do tell all. We would go off to school and were always afraid to go home. You never knew what to expect, I am not surprised, the teachers always called me a dreamer, little did they know.
We were expected to excel in school, to have straight A's to be perfect little children. Speak only when spoken to in a very structured setting. How could this be, how could such dysfunction expect so much from children, such perfection in such a hellish situation.
It wasn't like the episodes were once in a while they were chronic, day after day, some days worse than others. My father was very afraid of the system, afraid of his own mental issues. He use to threaten us regularly that if anyone ever knew that we would be taken away and never heard from again that it would all be our fault. It is not like the system didn't know, its documented in all the papers, the violence, the suicide, the consistent calls from neighbors for the police. The system knew they even sent social workers to the house. Well they didn't find anything wrong, the house was clean, we were dressed well, there was always food, nothing appeared out of normal. There we stood five children well dressed in a row, quiet, well behaved.
Were we children that fell through the cracks? Did the system not know what to do about it? Can you only help those who want help? I am not sure, there was a big age gap, so my brother and sister were the role models, the housekeeper, the cook, the baby sitters, they filled all the roles that you would expect parents to. They kept the secrets of their pain well hidden.
I remember really cold nights with no heat and only the tics that my mother use to sew. She would sit in the rocker chair her mind a million miles away and she would just sit and sew and sew. My mother she not only went to the doctors for medicine for herself but she also gave the symptoms of my father so she would get medicine for him. Oh the games they played. I try to think what set them off, sometimes it was absolutely nothing. But a calm could become a madness really quickly.
My eldest sister went to court and filed forms for legal emancipation she was fourteen, she gained her freedom by demonstrating her financial independence as well as a place to live. My parents were furious and battled to get her back, once home they beat her so badly she could not walk not sit. She had health issues, she suffered from a kidney disease and that is one of the few things my parents did provide was medical help. She again moved out and I remember the quarelling and the ugliness. We lived by the river at this time, but we were always moving, every year another place, none of them were home. In a huge argument my each parent blaming the other until my mother yelled enough, enough! She took a knife from the kitchen he tried to hold her back and the knife entered his stomach. Wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last but it was one of the most serious, he lay out in front of the house nearly bleeding death. My brother and sisters stuffed the wound with bread. The ambulance was summoned and he denied any domestic abuse, he said he was attacked by a stranger.

Suicide

The story really picks up from mothers view, when asked why she married my father. They were from the opposite side of the tracks, my mothers family well educated, shop owners and professors. My father has lot his father at a very young age, he was twelve years old when his father died from health reasons that were never really clear. Released from the military he gave to my mother a diamond ring, she gave it back to him, telling him she was not ready for a relationship with him or anyone else. He didn't take no for a answer, he said the rings is yours do what you want with it, I don't want it back. Telling everyone in the neighbor they were engaged, it kind of spun out of control. My mothers family was not to happy and the thought of a marriage disappointed all of them. Aware of their nonacceptance of him, just led more to his insecurities. My mother said she was aware that something wasn't right but not sure what it was. His behavior erratic, on their first date he left her in the middle of the movie.

She still had not recovered from the death of her father and again she was asked to wed. After several refusals it was almost as if she gave in. She cared about him but she did not have a passion of love for him. He was stalking, there when she was out of work, in the morning when she went.

Soon there would be a wedding, despite her closeness to her family she went through with the marriage. There were fights at the wedding and he made her return gifts because he felt they were to expensive and were given to shame him. Throughout the marriage it would be the first of many battles his insecurities and love for her mother and family. She used her inheritance and bought them a new house, car and everything they needed.She was use to living in a life style she had become accustomed to. Her now husband, unemployed and not seeking employment placed a burden once the inheritance began running out.

Within a few short years, she lost her father and her first child, the baby brought to term died and though it was laid out at the wake and had a headstone but I never knew why it died. There really was the usual pattern of dysfunction setting in. My father began to isolate my mother, keep her from family. She had recovered from the loss of the first born son and she was again pregnant. As I listen to her tell of unhappiness and disappointment in the marriage, I saw a parallel to my own. It was as if I was going back and forth time, comparing the different stories of our life.

I do believe she suffered from a severe case of postpartum depression as well as dealing with my fathers own mental health issues. Some were relatively minor forms of anxiety and various problems with coping from the war. Uncle Stan he managed to get my father a job with the teamsters and it seemed that it would life the heaviness that comes with the financial woes. She had four children relatively close in age before I was born. It seemed to the outside world as if this was a fairytale marriage.

It was the early 60's when my father became ill, he had a blood infection that hadn't gotten out of control. A false sense of pride and ignorance surfaced and he refused to even apply for aid from the teamsters. First they couldn't pay the fuel bills, no heat, no electric and the children would get dressed by candle light for school. Everything started to slowly crumble. It wasn't as if my father was all so sweet before this happen. What he called discipline was extreme beatings. I think he got off on creating different tools to whip with. There was the razor strap, which was leather straps all nailed to a paddle and the wooden paddle which had holes drilled through them. He named them, hung them in plain sight and never failed to use them. My brother was a calm spirit he never seem to have a violent bone in his body and yet that angered my father even more. Dressing him in little girls dresses his punishments were rather bizarre, sometimes they were to kneel on rock salt in a dress for ours, he seem to like to place us in corners. We would stand so long at times until we would almost fall asleep, if you didn't stand up he would just beat with the razor strap. Bruises, nah it was more than bruises, bleeding, outline of the buckle has it split open the legs. The girls all use to put on dark tights even in the summer tight and were instructed to wear them through gym class. My mother never took to his outburst on the children and the pet dog duke. From near choking him to beating him, crushing his head in the doorway. He was obnoxiously violent on children and animals alike.

Day or night it never seem to matter my parents were fighting and fighting, loud arguments until my mother would start breaking everything in sight. Than early in the am he would call us all out of bed,stand us in a row and say look what you have done to your mother, you have made her upset. My eldest sister she did get a lot of the responsibility but we are made to clean up the broken glass. Sometimes it was windows, the china closet, dishes, pictures. Violence was on the rise my mother rebelled, she was under doctor prescribed meds, but I am not sure what stroke her spirit to become so violent. She use to scream I rather go to jail than live like this. Restraining orders made very little difference, he would leave and come back in the middle night. I can't tell you how many ways she tried to kill him, she nearly succeeded several times, each time he ended up in the hospital he refused to admit that it was my mother who struck out at him in such a violent way.

The episodes became closer and closer together and always a little more bizarre. From her own bouts with depression and her extremes inability to deal with stress caused her to not handle life well at all. She tried various ways to take her own life and my father blamed that for the reason he didn't return to work. He said she shamed him so that he couldn't face the men at work.

It was her last attempt when she jumped off the bridge, that she became the only woman to have jumped and survived. Her injuries severe landed her in a mental hospital.

Domestic Abuse,

I find there to be Irony in the fact that people know when they are wrong and still continue on a journey of dysfunction. I really don't have memories of my mother before the age of ten. I have seen pictures of her, but I don't relate to the woman. I do remember that her eyes gave away her emotions and that when she knew it was going to be bad, she would say to my eldest sister get the children out of here they don't need to see this. I guess that is why we spent a lot of time down by the river or in the city park.

My father had tape recorded his memories as far back as the death of first child. When he passed away my sister held on to the tapes. She called me troubled and rambling. I said why would you want to listen to them, when we lived them. Let it go! She is not one to let much of anything go. My parents weren't drinkers, my mother would have a social drink maybe once a year. Her vice was condoned, it was medical prescriptions. A rather bizarre situation as my father was extremely violent with the children and my mother with him. Some kind of off the wall circle that encouraged viscous and uncontrollable behavior between them.

Looking back as an adult I now understand more about the social sins of mental health. The time in which they lived and how little is known about the deprivation of the brain and its need for a source of nutrition, health and well being.

Some stories were repeated over and over so many times, between strangers, newspapers and my father, that what we didn't witness we felt we did. Sometimes we saw the blood,sometimes not but the fall out was always there. There is no condoning such violence and as I tell my sister to let it go, I don't ask her to forget but to blow it in the wind, is to free her soul.

I am not actually sure what set it off all the episodes. There was a blend of issues, depression, health and that led to financial as well as personal problems. Suicide was an almost acceptable alternative when you didn't know what to do. My grandfather had succeeded in taking his life,my mother had made many attempts without success and following in their footsteps was my only brother who or more than once had his stomach pumped.

Noise blocking out noise, that is what allowed me to sleep, to this day I need noise to block out noise so I can rest. My father looked down on me as the weak link, I think he didn't beat me because he didn't want to. He was afraid that I would be the mouth piece that would reveal the horrid stories of abuse to children and adults alike. Literally not able to stop shaking from a very young age on, it raised a red flag, Sent to the doctors they were told to bring some kind of normalcy to the home. When all that could be done was I was sent to a private school where I spent seven years. These seven years were a time of healing and though separate much of the time from my siblings I was able to experience a world outside of the daily dysfunction.

I was certain there wasn't any good which would come from reliving the stories but as I see it, there is a certain amount of baggage that needs to be tossed out. Not only is it to help in the final healing process, but also to acknowledge and reveal the hidden secrets of an abusive family.

My mother was seventeen her father had asphyxiated himself by allowing the exhaust into the car. She never truly dealt with the death of her father. She blamed her mother for his death, because she had asked him for a divorce. Though several stories surfaced, a few that he was going deaf and his health was ill. My mother was never really clear on where he was emotionally obviously he was depressed, alone and separated from my grandmother. My mothers closeness with her father left scars on her soul.

It was world war two and many of the young girls wrote letters to the soldiers, my mother wrote to several of the men, my father would be one of them. An attractive young woman my mother dropped out of school in her senior year. She took several jobs as secretary, waitress and in a toy factory. My father had become smitten with her and as the war was coming to and end a new war one on the home front would begin.

No Punishment is fitting ...

Responsibility for our actions...

Every step closer to hell reveals the weakness of our mind and flesh.

When choices are made and the devil appears,

all that you'll find is sorrow, heartache, ugliness

and fear, as each moment is controlled when the

devil appears.

May his conscience eat away at his denial,

and damn his soul to hell.

Anna Marie Lutz 24

Twenty four year old Anna Marie Lutz was murdered by her live in thirty eight year old boyfriend. You won't hear big headline stories, because she wasn't a sports player, politician or famous actor or singer. Anna Marie Lutz is one of the thousands of abuse cases that goes undetected until it results in murder. There is no excuse for such violence upon another human being, we all have the option of walking away from a domestic dispute. Anna lived twenty four short years on this earth and her time was cut short by one persons lack of self control and horrendous choice to strike out at a beautiful young woman.

How many women are caught up in domestic violence? I don't believe we will ever know the truth, for as many cases that are revealed, there are that many more that we will never find exposed. Some choose to stay out of fear, others think they can handle it, many feel there is no options or alternatives and many believe they have nowhere else to go. Pride and embarrassment as well as denial reveal itself when options are offered. To reach out in anger and hit a person you claim to love doesn't happen just once, it most likely happened before or will happen again. Anna Maire Lutz was not one of the lucky ones, she doesn't get a second chance to make a choice, to escape, to get away, to live her life.

Religious leaders will say that this was all part of Gods great plan. This is part of Evil, the devil alcohol might have encouraged the violence, the seeds of evil had already been in placed and sowed to allow and outburst to be violent enough to take a life. Violence only has a chance to strike out once you have allowed evil into your being. Alcohol and drugs only heighten the negativity within a person, the seeds of evil have to already exist to allow an unforgivable experience. I say again unforgivable, for no one has the right to cut a persons life short.

This in in honor of Anna Marie Lutz, she lived such a short time,experienced so little and came to such a violent end. May her soul find peace in the arms of the Lord.

The tears we weep are for the many,

the hearts and souls of those in fear,

may they find inside the courage,

to surface above the pain and despair.

Anna Marie Lutz is somebody, she is a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend,etc. Her kindness, warmth of heart and the magic of her soul were taken advantage of by the one person who she entrusted her life. This is a betrayal of a loving spirit. I chose to write about Anna Marie so that her story shall not be forgotten and that her life will not be in vain. I hope people remember not just how she died, but how she lived.

Every thirty seconds another story of domestic abuse happens, some survive and many do not.Marriage, friendship, relationships, partners, none of these titles give a person the license to abuse. Domestic violence occurs in every walk of life and every income bracket. I promised several years back to put a face to domestic abuse and bring to light a horror that still goes unpunished until it is to late. We seem to reward aggression and the traits of aggression in sports etc, I prefer to acknowledge the size of ones heart and their impact on the world around them. It is obvious by those who knew Anna Marie and shared in her life that she is and always will be a beautiful spirit.

In the time it takes you to close your eyes

and open them again someone in the world

has fallen victim at the hands of abuse.

Broken Fingers

I felt completely mesmerized by the power of the wind, as I watched it dance like a picture in motion high a top the trees. The leaves more than swayed back and forth against the darkened sky, they moved with such speed that it created a sort of shimmer that reminded me of the reaction of oil as it is stirred into water. I felt pulled, as if there was a magnetic draw between my spirit and the hum of the wind as it thrust the hills into a state of an awakening. In one glimpse nature reveals the strength, the weakness and the vulnerabilities that surface between man and earth and the heavens above.

It might be just a little tingle,

like spiders on the nerves,

but to me it is a reminder,

that love never hurts.

Not a pleasant memory,

but I refuse to let it go,

surface reveals a healing,

inside it burns so.

~

I don't hate him,

I just don't like him very much.

There are barrier which are never seen

but never the less exist.

To this day I still find the need to run and hide.

To the corner of the attic, where the cobwebs gather.

To the depths of the mind where the darkness is

scattered.Run fast, run and hide,escape the madness,

that controls the mind. To the corners of the attic

where the cobwebs gather .

We can't let go of what is an internal part of our being.

I have heard dysfunction referred to as a roller coaster or the yo yo syndrome. The up and down through a cycle of good and bad events on an almost routine schedule. I might say I saw life more like a merry go round, you keep going round and round and waiting for it to stop. In all actually there is no beginning or end and thus results in the acceptance of the continuous cycle that abuse creates. Fear is away a major factor in our decisions to react or not react. We are taught to protect those who abuse us in away that seems to place guilt on the victim.

With the anniversary of my fathers death I felt an array of emotions that seemed confusing at best. It was that which people saw as love or respect for him that seemed to be the most unsettling. There was no justifying his actions, the cruelty in which we lived. With my sister gone for so many years now I quickly came to understand that I would never have all the pieces to complete the puzzle. How could her voice be heard? Who would or could understand better what we went through, than the pack made between us as children. There were a few moments we held to that were positive and we kept holding to them. I cried once after her death, walked into a walk in closet,where no one could see or hear and I cried. I cried that she would never grow old and that we would never get to make new memories.

Music and the secrets that was our bond. The music brought a positive side to life and the secrets tied us together. Ironically the last song we sang was new york, new york. It was the last time all the sisters were together. I can remember thinking without anyone else in the picture,just the four of us girls, that we were strong. Arms around each other and dancing and singing. I guess my own vulnerabilities are showing and the fact that at any time our life on this earth can be over, makes you take notice of the simple pleasures.

Da da da , da da da start spreading the news, I'm leaving today.

I want to be a part of it - new york, new york These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york  I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn’t sleep And find I’m king of the hill - top of the heap  These little town blues, are melting away I’ll make a brand new start of it - in old new york If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere It’s up to you - new york, new york 

Its a bit ironic how this song about NY became the last memory of when we were all together and now this place seems to have

once again appeared and sharing of happiness. Holds on to those moments in hopes of surfacing beyond the darkness.

Abuse wears a coat of many colors.

Sometimes abuse is nothing other than an

insecure soul exerting power over another.

Their weakness shall not be my legacy.

I am stronger than that which dares to hold me down.

I will no longer swim in the tears of yesterday.

He strikes out at my heart and each lash but once against my soul

repeatedly pains with each memory.

She wanted it to come to and end,

so we may see a new beginning.

The pain of the spirit hurts worse than any wound to the flesh.

How do we stand up to the fear of a threat? Is a threat merely words? Imprison the flesh my soul is free.

Free the soul...remove the fear.

It is inconceivable of the pure of heart to understand the depth of evil and the tools in which it uses to invade a spirit. Strike out at the flesh and in time it heals, but the wounds of the mind we can always feel.

They say that time is the great healer,
but open wounds never heal?


Fear is the unseen bars that imprison the soul.

I have been locked in my own prison for so long
,that I had become accustomed to the walls of hell.

What is Abuse

Abuse is a lethal combination of victim and perpetrator. Is there away of preventing ourselves from becoming a victim? As a child there are less choices and the vulnerability surrounded by circumstances are much more difficult to overcome. As adults surfacing from abusive childhoods, we must learn and reteach ourselves how to recognize and avoid abusive situations.

Avoid Isolation

Limit control by education and independence

Recognize the red flag - Extreme Jealousy is not a compliment

Constant criticism is not acceptable, avoid it

Follow your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right! it is not right.

People don't change if you see signs of abuse it only gets worse.

Avoid situations that will put you danger, traveling alone,etc

Avoid the I'm gonna save him syndrome, let him save him or self.

If you sense danger, it's danger.

Don't provoke, do!

No to sex is your right!

Caution when entering a relationship.




National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Many people want to think that all abusers are psychopaths or are born defective or in some way cynical self righteous spawns of the devil. In all reality many factors can and do contribute to abuse. In studies it is proven that much is learned in our very youth. Much can be a behavior issue which stemmed from cultural and life or lack of life experiences. Drugs, alcohol and ignorance all can play a part on what and how one deals with the world. The building up of stress in a very poor economy also reveals a rise in abuse and thus proves that many are capable of becoming an abuser on all levels.


Allowing ourself to heal and learn from the past is the best way to prevent abuse in the future. We can break the cycle when we allow ourselves to recognize the first signs of an abusive relationship. Insecurity is the first tool used by an abuser, recognize your own worth and value to your self and the community. This is your first step to avoiding the traps of an abuser.

Why I choose to keep the blog open

I opened this blog back up as I was reminded why I started it in the first place and that was to raise further awareness of adult abusive actions against a child in a violent or verbal way. As well to allow my sister to rest peacefully, knowing that someone now hears her cries. There have been several people who have contacted me and asked advice and I again plead with you to seek out the avhotline.org or another organization. This platform is to bring a certain amount of peace to the victims and allow them to remove the stigma that comes from self guilt.

Children are our greatest resources and yet the most vulnerable to the ills of the world.Make a difference in a life, share a smile, even that goes a long way into warming a heart.

Jacee Lee Dugard

The most extreme story of child abuse has once again surfaced. Jacee Lee Dugard, a child and a woman robbed of her innocence. Like many I had read everything on this bizarre story and the infraction on the sanity of human behavior.
Adjusting to freedom is not an overnight one step plan. She was denied the basic human rights and the dignity to flourish within her community, to live and prosper. It will take many many years to find a sense of healing in a period of growth that will have her adjusting to a freedom that has been denied her for eighteen years.
Survival finds us in many a situation. What appears to some as a weakness to not fight back or escape was actually her inner strength to survive. She is a remarkable woman who survived the unthinkable. There can be no justice served as the chapters are written and cannot be erased. With faith I believe new chapters will be written on a long and tedious journey.
If everything happens for a reason what lesson comes from such ugliness? That evil exist as surely as goodness, that mental illness is not in check in this vast space we call earth. That evil condones its rise to power. Are there answers that are not fear laden. When I was ten years old not much younger than Jacee, I saw how mental illness effects a person, how it reflects on the family and how breeds on hatred, violence and self righteousness. Some how in their warp minds they condone their behavior. They justify there actions by some sense of personal power over a situation. She was at the age of awareness when she was kidnapped and so the years before will be her flotation device that allows her to reach to shore and walk away from the many years of evil. In my mind I had wanted so to see a turn around in the mental health field. I see it as the weakest part of society's structure.

The personal story of Jacee Lee Dugard makes me sick to my stomach, unfortunately there are so many more stories that go unheard that never reach the hands of the media. Some of them prisoners in their own homes, prisoners of the mind. Imprisoned by those who claim to love them. Where does this evil get its strength?

Jacee Lee Dugard in not alone, many have not lived to tell the story and others still remain a hidden part of society. Jacee Lee Dugard is a survivor and my heart and my prayers go out to her in her long process of healing. Somethings can never be erased from the soul, but hopefully she will be able to replace the memories with new ones. Start a new journey through the healing process.

What happened to Jacee Lee Dugard is any caring parents worse nightmare. I believe she is stronger than many give her credit for and I have faith that she will surface above this, with the proper time and intervention and the rebuilding of a life.

We cannot compare evils, no crime is worse than another. Though that which is empowered by robbing the innocence of a child has to be the most sick, ugly and evilest of crimes. I feel as sense of joy in her release and also a pain within that desperately tries to understand how such violent hatred gains miles into the weakness of the mind.

The scars are inevitable and are now ingrained in her being, allow her the time, privacy and dignity to heal at her own pace. This is not the story of one child but all children who fall victim to abuse, hatred and evil. If there is something that comes from the telling of her story, it will be of her strength and power to overcome the worst of evil, that which is against a child of the world.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is not to make slight of Jacee Lee Dugard's story. There are many children in abusive situations under the reign of those who claim to love them. As we speak around the world and in our own neighborhood a child, many a child is being abused. How do we stop the sickness and can we have a utopia? I don't see it happening anytime soon, so my prayers go out not for the one child who is now free, but for those who felt the sting of sex abuse, domestic abuse, verbal abuse in the robbing of a childhood.

Bonding with the captor is a survival mechanism, it shows in the many children including Jacee's the ability to survive in the most horrendous of crimes. I commend her for her strength and the power within her that kept her alive. It shows how intelligent a child and woman she is. Fear kept her there, bonding kept her alive and faith gave her hope.

La Fitness,Bridgeville

In shock over the LA Fitness tragedy, it is just a bit to close home. They call it mainstreaming, where those with emotion physical problems are blended in to work, live and flourish amongst those with out the burden of being socially outcast. Years ago people were wrongly locked away in institutions. Today the complete opposite is going on, there are those who need the structure that comes with being institutionalized for the safety of the community at large. There is something wrong when more emphasis is placed on the rights of a few than the rights of the majority.

Mental health has failed, people who need help do not seek it and those who do are released with medications that may or may not take. The world has changed and I don't believe it is for the better. It has been said many times that " mans worst enemy is man himself" I am saddened for all of mankind as I view around the world evil in progress.

As the story unwraps we will find the motive for the actions of a madman. Excuses will made and the professionals will try to piece together the steps upon that which hate has traveled. Just as the world on a financial scale has tumbled so has the world on a more social level. The media, from news reporters, tv, movies and music should be held responsible for their actions. Those who defend our freedoms including that of speech are made a mockery of. When movies of hatred and violence numb a community to the realization that violence is eminent as the seeds of evil are planted in those who are not mentally stable.

Even a baby bird knows when to discard one if its young. What is on the agenda for our politicians, the rights of prisoners, the mentally ill and the disabled, and the minorities. When will the rights of those who have regard for the rules, who abide by the laws.

We have failed at large to make our world our safer place it deteriorates by the moment. My prayers for all the families and victims of a horrendous crime. May they find peace in the arms of the Lord

The Evils of Abuse

One of the biggest fallacies that children fall victim to is they believe that they are somehow responsible for the negative actions of there parents. As a grown woman, I still find myself walking on eggshells and wondering what I might have done to set a negative mood in action. This is the strength of the person whom victimizes to cause one to feel as if they are responsible for another persons actions.
I somehow believed that if you push the wrong buttons or caused a situation that you were responsible for the reaction. I am ever so aware how wrong this is and how as a child or an adult we are only responsible for ourselves and our own actions and that we will not and cannot be held liable for the sins of another. I feel a darkness hovering and I want it to go away, but it is lingering like that of the night.

Abuse

Domestic war is the ongoing storms of life and it happens more often than people realize. What initiates the violence and encourages or feeds the fire? The studies have revealed a common link of low self esteem. But as we look closer we see that it takes a finely tuned and well cast set of characters to perform in a manner which reflects the victim, perpetrator scenario. The stage in which the cast is directed changes scenes many times and thus creates a yo yo effect. What happens behind close doors and what the human mind is capable of enduring is the ongoing struggles of Domestic war. How to identify and recode the weak strains of humanity has yet to be discovered.

In the years following, I realized there was a pattern that seem to reveal itself in my own adult relationship. I found that I quickly recognized the weak strain within my partner and would quickly try to prevent or redirect his anger. As I read the morning newspaper of a man who took the life of his wife, eldest son and himself, I began to review situations in my own life that seemed really no different.

What triggered and outburst? I am not quite sure, I chalked some of it up to his lifestyle working on so few hours sleep, but as I look back I realize that there were other underlying reasons. I conveniently filed the earlier episodes of violence to the back of my mind and looked at one of the more recent occurrences. I found that I became a prisoner of fear in order to smooth ruffled feathers and prevent the seed of evil the nourishment to germinate and grow. It felt as if I had to pacify the moment and stroke the ego of evil.

Abuse

Spare the rod and spoil the child. Imagine the images of an adult beating a child, lets flip the image and allow a child to beat an adult. No matter how you view it aggression is the evil within that escapes through anger to control with fear.

Abuse it is not a pretty picture, physical abuse is easier to identify but there are many scars from sexual abuse , verbal abuse, emotional abuse and neglect. Sad to know that the actions of an adult creates a domino affect that spirals through many generations. From simple stress, to abuse of drugs and alcohol all or none can be the initators of a abusive legacy.

I continue to write to allow others to know no shame as a victim but to also know that they can change the world one person at a time and that is through their own thoughts and actions.

It is not enough to preach love,

it is more important to live love.

Abuse

The will to live,

is it insanity or courage?

~

Dysfunction: all threads need to be mended, as the weave can only be strengthened when the repair is made to the family as a whole.

~

A child has very little choice... they are victims of circumstance.

~

It is true that there is a certain amount of healing

which comes with time.

~

To break the cycle of abuse everyone

has to accept their responsibility.

~

The seeds of evil sow hatred and violence, weeding

reveals the beauty of a well maintained garden.

Fear hides behind a wall of silence...

A bruise to the body is less painful

 then the bruising of the mind. 

The weak threads ... a symptom of child abuse

I couldn't have been more than nine or ten years old when I became aware of the importance of a healthy mind and how many issues arise from mental health. There was always a stigma attached to those who were in need of help and that in itself kept and keeps many from seeking the proper medical intervention.

What is the right medical intervention? I am not sure that the professionals themselves know, but hopefully the unexplored folds of the mind will be exposed and the antidote for healthier living without the extremes will be explored. 

It is incredible how much advancement has been made in this area over the last one hundred years and still yet so more to understand and learn. The brain a huge chemistry set bases itself upon the workings of the body. There is where the old saying a " busy mind is a healthy mind" comes from. 

A woman in her early thirties had been placed on medication to control her mood swings. She said I hated it I neither laughter nor cried, I felt so much like a zombie. Is it all a case of the faulty mind or just a lack of not knowing enough to bring the initial amount of balance? 

My plight to bring awareness to the ills of the mind was explored through the ongoing child abuse I had experienced as a child. It is amazing how many views surface from siblings and the lack of similarities between them. Every one feels the flame of the poker in different ways and digest it as their own will to survive surfaces.

Eradicating mental health is based on a judgement call, what is considered healthy and not. It seems that all that occurs in life comes from personal choice making. The different levels of society keep many from reaching out to helping other of different social classes. 

If one looks at the axle the world spins on they will see the worlds vulnerability throughout the stars. The same is true for each and everyone of us. If it is so that we are on this earth as the great explorers to expand our knowledge and develop our being than each of us is part of the process and there is no boundaries, societal levels, just a oneness to prepare for the inevitable. 

A perfect weave, one which is tightly woven without holes, loose threads, worn and weak threads brings the the mind a beautiful tapestry. It is when the carelessness of abuse of self is allowed that a weak thread is found and through this we fall through. How do we strengthen the thread? We must first decide which needs replaced, tightened or  just a bit of reweaving. The social skills necessary to bring this about are found in our earliest steps of life. Here is where the first stitches are sewn. Stitching in Self worth, Respect and love, these three alone can tighten the sloppiest of stitch creating a more uniform pattern. It is not enough to share this tasperty with friends and family but to display our inner self to the community at large helps to improve as we unite in a more central weave. 

The cycle of abuse, why does it happen? why do many condone it? Though we are all one in being, we all start the journey with different tools. This is why it is so important what thread we choose from the very beginning. How is anger seeded and how does it grow? Anger is seeded by insecurity and self hate. 

Earths greatest experiment is explored through life. 

I am frightened to stand still, 

might I be caught up in the darkness.

I am a survivor

I closed this down for awhile because of a few comments and I realized that its okay that it be read, it happened it was real and it was a part of my life. I am not ashamed for someone else's failure nor am I embarrassed by my experiences. I am a survivor!

I found it amazing all the bad that happens in the world and except for the sensationalized cases in the media, you will never know or hear of all the people who slip through the crack.  

There are many changes that are mandatory in the system to really make it a beneficial to all those in need. Early intervention is crucial to bringing about not merely the words of the change but the action of change. Obviously people benefit from positive surroundings as nurturing is very important in providing a stable beginning for our youth to grow. 

Change comes for those who want it, allowing hunger to go unfed only promotes more negativity and instibility. Take a walk through the inner city schools and you will see that they have indeed slid backwards. Those who can afford continue to put their children in public schools or move out of the area. What this leaves behind are those who have no alternative. The song children are our future represents our need to bring more youth groups not only to inner city children to the rural areas as well. By giving choices and altnernatives we can save those who are looking for away out in hopes that they take back the love and knowledge to better their own communitites.

If all possible encourage, sponsor or donate your time to your local youth group, if you make a difference in only one childs life, isn't that child worth it?