Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Bad Seed

Every human being has the ability to kill, what triggers the onset or pushes the combination of buttons to alter aggression to the extreme varies. We have outer stimuli, which might consist of circumstances, position in society and early nurture or lack of it. On the other side of the spectrum we have inner stimuli, chemical imbalances in the brain and genetic traits that would predispose a person to a pattern of aggression. “The nature versus nurture debate” is much deeper then psychological terminology, the depth of reasoning touches on the ethics, education, social and our own moral position. Every situation is unique to the individual and so like a rapid virus morphing a cure can not be found for the cause, as soon as you think you found one another situation just a little bit different has occurred.
Not being a doctor I can only give you my personal experiences with mental health issues and the trails of life for which I gained knowledge through the many years. Take the average person, most of them take some form of medication or vitamins. Like myself many will take them for a while and then reach a period of time whether it would be a day
or a month or a few where they forget to take them. They fall from the normal routine or health regimen. I am not proposing that we do like they did years ago and lock mental health victims in a closet and pretend they don’t exist. The question I ask is for those who are dependent upon drugs for their mental stability, who makes sure they take their medicine each day? and if they don’t will they be a danger to themselves or the community at large? So at this point I researched to find out who and what makes a killer.

I found myself reading the work of Jonathon Pincus, chief of neurology at the veterans Admins and professor of Georgetown University school of medicine. His research found him across the table of 150 well known murders, his studies would include, neurological examinations and IQ test and extensive research into their childhood experiences. His interviews includes well known murders such as white collar Ted Bundy and teenage Kip Kinkle among many others. He found that there were three highly recognized traits, mental illness, neurological damage and child abuse .Two thirds of those factors. Mental illness ,neurological damage and abuse alone did not create murders. After reading page upon page of the studies of Johathon Pincus and his reviews of the many cases. I had even more questions then not, violence is not new to the human race, since the beginning of time we have recorded cases of murder to many to mention. In the population at large murderers are a small percentage of the population. How many people has he studied who were abused, had mental health issues and neurological damage and still functioned as a decent part of society? I respect his profession and his opinion that he is trying to find out what makes a killer tick, but I beg to disagree with him, I do think there are bad seeds in a individual that triggers a person to react in a situation that is extremely aggressive in nature.

Raised in a very volatile situation, I reviewed the stories of my own brother and sisters, each view was a bit different, all seem to reflect on their stance in the sibling pyramid.

In the study of my own family, I knew each child the moment they were placed to my breast to feed. I could sense each personality, the stronger, the timid, etc. I believe at the moment of conception the genetic pool has performed a small miracle and that is instilling the character which forms in later years and grows. How outer stimuli encourages the growth I am sure plays a big part on what in life we will attain. To many people who came from meager beginnings, lived in abusive situations and surfaced from mental health issues to became a positive part of the community in very successful ways. On the pendulum of life, I see that people swing into many categories and do not come out a murder. Until someone can convince me otherwise, I believe a person is born with the seed of evil, for it is instinctive in their weak moment to grasp at tool of violence to deal with a means to a end.

I have felt the hands of evil and it comes in many a disguise.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Deliriously Rambles !

The joy of being a member of a large family is one by one spreading viruses and illnesses down the line. In the middle of a bout with a stomach virus that had instigated my gallbladder into reminding me how vulnerable we are in life. Feeling oh so green, I thought of people who were dealing with much more serious a crisis then a stomach virus. It reminded me of my mother who said, “ if you think you have it bad, someone else has it worse. “ I thought of all the worse case scenarios, it’s not lessoning this pain anybut I do feel ever so grateful that in a few days it will be over.
How much more difficult can life be? reading the newspaper shed nothing but the most serious of human malfunction. Mass murders, death of students, drive by killings, suicides, the list on going . After the fact is the big why question. Hopefully it means we can find away to prevent future hellish situations, though I doubt anytime soon. Everyone seems to want to place blame, as if this cleanses their soul by removing responsibility. Is it s a cultural phenomenon that is occurring? Are we observing the changes of a irresponsible generation that washes it’s hands of it’s neighbors problems? They are closing mental health hospitals more and more and less likely to admit people then let’s say in the years of the 1950’s. The laws and rules designed to protect over step the simplicity of right and wrong.There were cases where innocent people were admitted to hospitals or placed in prisons and now it is the opposite more and more dangerous people are allowed to walk the street in fear of stripping them of their rights. I understand both sides of the dilemma. I had just finished a article where a man was 25 yrs in prison for rape and recently free due to the current DNA test that proved his innocence. I thought My God! what greater hell then knowing your innocent and paying for the crime of another. It raised many questions of the equality of our judicial system, do we accept that one guilty man may walk, while one innocent man may suffer? This is a question we must ask, as we review the several years of rampant mental health issues. Shaking my head as I scanned the most recent of devastating acts, the gunning down of little girls at a Amish School, a university stripped of it’s one peaceful setting becomes the burial ground for thirty young people. The stories are endless and one as devastating as the next. Indeed the Devil must live in the minds of these perpetrators and work the hands of evil , for no illness in itself can be responsible for carrying out
such hellish acts.
Whom does responsibility lay for the drastic change in society? The very first responsibility has been placed on parents, but with laws to protect a few of the innocent also goes the dangerous of criminal minds freedom. As parents our hands are tied in many ways especially when it comes to our adult children. In the United States at seventeen they are your responsibility and at the magic age of eighteen they are an adult. I can recall my own son away at college and wanting to review his grades, the college said I would need his permission as he is now an adult. But when it came to financial responsibilities they had no problem contacting the parents and giving us green light to pay.. As any situation children young or adult in status are not as eager to share that they are having problems, it is a parents ongoing job to keep the eyes of awareness open. and yet constantly we find it becoming more and more difficult.
The groundwork for a moral upbringing is being placed in the hands of strangers. Children are early as two weeks of age are placed in day care centers and spend more of their waking hours in what is comparative to
orphanages. Young families making choices whether to raise their own children or stay a two parent working family. This alone does not place guilt on the parents, as many children will grow up in this situation to become fine young men and women working and living as a positive part of society. Though there are those who are troubled in a less then stable situation who will love, care and be alerted to the needs of these troubled children.
It is almost thirty years now since I had my first son . Many women at the time were choosing to retain their positions at work and start families. This wasn’t much a problem for those who had supportive husbands and extended families, such as grandparents and aunts. I was not as fortunate and did not have that option, day care centers were few and the choices limited. At the time my husband was home due to surgery and so I quickly accepted going back to work to my plush position at the officers club at our local bank. Though one question came to mind as my husband improved and was preparing to go back work. “ If my child stumbles who will kiss his/her’s boo boo’s . That was the only thought that entered my mind was who would love my baby, like I love my baby. I gave up after six months what was a very nice job with great benefits and income to raise my child. I did take on part time jobs in the evening through out the early years, raising money for the extras in life and yes there were choices of things to do with out. This is not merely about placing guilt on parents as we are heavily weighed with so much as it is. But a review of the very changes that are effecting the structure of our community. One where neighbors use to know neighbors, where children could play out front of there home without fear. Many changes are taking places some so minute we begin to over look them. Compounding they lead to the steps of ignorance which society at large is standing upon. What is the key importance in lif?. No job in the whole world can ever compare to that which is granted parents at the moment of a birth of a child. For at that moment of delivery we are becoming responsible for raising the next generation of viable, living and loving adults.
I have heard the phrase often used in the media that people are becoming numb to the violence that they no longer are shocked by it. I would like to know who these people are, because every time I hear of a drive by shooting, or any death where someone’s life was taken before their time, my heart sheds a tear. We as parents cannot take the full responsibility for the community at large, the industry of arts and the media must take their responsibility for the production of violent movies and lyrical songs which chant the most hellish of statements. It made me laugh as I wanted to connect to my teenage son and I attended a dance
held by the community and watched our youth dancing in what they called a mash pit. Which is one of the most violent dances I ever viewed as young people are pushing stepping on and supposedly relieving them selves of pent up anger. Thus it is true the statement “ we cannot go back, we can only go forward” which reminds me of watching the senate in action we don’t need more laws, more rules, more amendments. We need to back the ones already on the books. We need to act within our community in a more active way. It seems that many of us including myself at times take a more passive role in the decisions that closely effect our way of living. Our system is based on the voting system of democracy where we allow a few to make decisions for the many. Here is where we can make a difference for how many of us actually know who we vote for when we walk behind that curtain. Considering that God places us on the same plateau, scary thought as to who we allow to lead us.

Wealth is not measured by what one owns,
but what one carries in their heart.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Amazing Grace

My grandmother and my sister died ten days apart, I remember my husband choosing out of town business over emotional supporting and attending the funeral. He remembers it a little different. This was the song we chose to play. Sometimes I am a bit hard on adults,but the innocence of a child gives you hope. This version sung with the voice of children, reminds us what the future represents .. for the love of a child and the child in all of us.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

House of Respect

A mix of rain and snow is falling down upon the hills, periods of calm and storm so reminded me of life. Abusive situations feed on the optimistic personality. Speaking with my eldest sisters about abusive situations and those she could not break away from her response was “I hoped things would get better.”mixed with various insecurities and fears.
The more stories I heard the more reason incompatible people stayed in situations that were not healthy.There were no number one causes, fear fell into many categories, fear of not being able to financially take care of yourself, to the ever so common stalker scenario. Laws not efficiently supporting those trying to escape domestic abuse, found many haunting stories of those beat and killed trying to escape the prison of domestic abuse. The time it takes the police to respond to a situation leaves the victim in the hands of danger one moment to long.
Still some families fought to stay together due to religion and vows. Preached many Sundays in church that a family that prays together stays together. There compiled heavily on the shoulders is another weight of guilt, adhering to vows that are some how broken along the way. My dearest friend was in a very abusive situation did she love her husband? indeed she did, though his drug addiction escalated to uncontrollable levels, the out lash of violence leaving scars upon her back ,marring her figure and her soul for life. As we spoke over the years she told me of her reach for help. She talked to her support groups , her parish priest only to be told he needs help, stand by him and support him. One violent episode to many and she found the courage to walk away. Not many women are as lucky as her to get out of such a violent situation. Many people stay and try to work it out, they do it for the church, they do it for their children, they do it out of ignorance, for whatever reasons, they thrive on a clear moment to make it through the fuzzy ones.
Courage leaves a marbled vision, the courage to stay or the courage to walk. Every families situation is very different. It is the many times that we experienced through childhood that gives us the lessons right or wrong that we adhere to in our adult life. Many are very silent and yet fall into our own code of ethics, do we walk out on a person when they are down, do we leave a ill person to tend for themselves. I think we can only help those who seek to be helped and that we should not have to be responsible for those adults who do not seek help.
Some people condone the situation they are in, it’s not as bad as it could be, it could be worse and how do I start over or do I want to?Giving young women the necessary tools of confidence to succeed in life is the first step to change.
Whether you attempt to enter a relationship or marriage, the vows should read. I shall respect my partner and recieve the same amount of respect at all times, I shall give love and recieve love and I will with you by my side build a home on the foundation of respect with the walls of love and fill it with peace, passion and joy, the harmony will provide for a roof of compassion during the difficult times.

Where trust does not exist the future of a relationship will see it's untimely demise, for no foundation can be built on soil that crumbles.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

So much for my happy ending....

Victim of Circumstances

Looking back over the last several years of my life, I saw that indeed “ everything comes with a price”. Life is but a challenge leading to the roads of accomplishments and disappointments. There is no sorrow or remorse in the steps of proposed failure as with each step comes a lesson. We stand at the crossroads of life packed with a code of ethics, a conscience and with the morale disposition hopefully ensued with confidence, a positive outlook and the discipline and eagerness to achieve in our personal as well as professional lives.

Occasionally we see that our strength waivers and we stand at the bridge of consequences, this is the price we pay for the freedom of choice. Balanced on a beam high above the clouds, the rebellion of youth and the maturity that only time brings battles with the heart and soul to understand. The mind tempered with responsibility questions whether leading with the heart has a selfish motive. It leaves a note sour upon the soul, that we might not be worthy of a better life. That somehow life is predetermined and fate holds the cards.

Undermined by earlier lessons of childhood we find self respect shadowed in the darkness, our character maimed by our lack of courage. Here in the darkness is where we meet with our obligation to self. The scale in life unbalanced by contributing circumstances.

Look back to learn,
look today for faith,
for tomorrow brings
new opportunity.

There is no greater love then of self for
God made man in his image.
We cannot love another untill we learn to love self,
for it is our reflection upon them that shines back upon ourselves.

Friday, April 13, 2007

I will survive .....

A Little Princess in All of Us


Cultural views or societal expectations the web of attraction is the fairytale stories. From early childhood on we are read stories of kings and queens and happily ever after. This imaginary foundation builds a false sense of security. The creation of a better then now vision, that an end will come to the hell and a glorious new day will await. It is the ever so popular “Cinderella” , the moral to the story “good things happen to good people”. There are many childhood stories that I remember and yes I was aware that they were fiction at it’s best. Yet I hungered for a more normal atmosphere. I was asked what is normal?

Defined in the dictionary NORMAL
1.conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2.serving to establish a standard.

I perceived normal as a plateau where balance was met, where there is a understanding and the proposed “ unconditional love”. Acceptance is unequivocal, as there is no doubt that there is a profound experience in being accepted in the normal pool of society.

Flexible like a rag doll that has weathered many storms. I felt as if my mind, my heart and my soul were grasping in various directions to find the place of contentment. The weight of circumstances weighing heavily upon each.

As the definition states normal as being natural. The child in me strolls the hills surrounding the hollow sensing all of the beauty that nature in its most natural form provides. Yet little signs of mans destruction lay in the path. For it has been said that " mans worst, enemy is man."

The cool spring morning sent a chill through out, but not as deep as the chill of life that shakes the spirit. Part of me rooted and growing flourishing in a unstable situation and another part of me dying as I battle the inner demons of self.

Follow your heart and release your mind and
then and only then can your soul be free.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sings > Slide Down MY Cellar Door!

The Two Faces of.......

If one thing had baffled me in life it was the two sides to people. I believe that like a rat backed into a corner people react differently to each indiviual situation. I had wondered how the arms that comforted could also cause such pain and how this confusion messes with the mind. I think the greatest betrayal is the gift of life given to parents and abused. In the 356 days of a year many were filled with violence, dysfunction and a disruption, so much so that the few days of good times became the flotation device for survival.

The arms that held,

the voice that comforted

and the hell that waited around each corner.


I think that is the hardest to deal with that in the name of love someone can beat a child and yet those same hands hold and comfort.

To the voice that remains in my heart and the emotional disruption that will forever ache deep within my soul.

Sings >Playmate, Come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three
Climb up my apple tree
Holler down my rain barrel
Slide down my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends
Forever evermore.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Damn Those Crocodiles!

The dictionary defines fear as -

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

Over the last few days my emotions have been bouncing around. I thought of how I allowed fear to control my choices through out my life and how it altered the eventual outcome. In my childhood years fear was the restraint that was placed on our hearts and souls. We were the ultimate perfect children. As I matured I looked back to see that in a dysfunctional family there was reign of terror in a moral setting, as if this madness was somehow acceptable, as long as we
walked and talked a certain way.
Maturity comes to you at a young age when your raised in such a disruptive lifestyle. I had a stuborn nature and at seventeen was on my own a child working in a adult world. Some would call it responsible, I felt as if the choices were being controlled by the circumstances that surrounded my life.
Married at nineteen I found that I did everything in my power to prevent violence to shed its ugly head in my life. It reminds me of the adage " you act like a victim, your a victim" . Somewhere along the line we fall into roles, expected or not, we play out the cards dealt.
Yes it could be called" walking on eggs "from day one I thought that something was wrong with me, that maybe what I felt or sensed was just being overly cautious. Without family support you find that you deal with life the only way you know how. Unfortunately childhood
had taught me well to play the game of evasion. This ability to avoid or escape a uncomfortable situation. In many instances I really didn't know what to do, we have this preprogramed dream of what life brings to us and then the awareness of reality.
I looked on at the man paths I could have chosen, each with a varied outcome. Yet somehow as I took it all in I realized that no matter what detour we take we end up where we were always meant to be.
Marriage is meant to be a partner ship but I found that it was more like a childs see- saw, one up the other down and so on. At first I believed this to be the support system that friendship brings to a relationship being there for one and other but unfortunately when the anchor tightens in one direction someone suffers.
As I took a spring hike through the mountains, I faces my own fears and felt the restlessness that was deep seeded inside of me. Feeling very different from those around me, I hungered for some acceptance. Who could see through these eyes and understand where I was coming from.
Fear had become one of the many faces, like the prism of a crystal. In the lights reflection you can see the many facets of choice and how fear controls them.
I faced the darkness........ A passage out of Dear Kim Blake

Dear Kim,

Most of the time I feel so strong I could conquer everything that has stumbled into my path, but then the insecurity sets in and my weakness appears. Thank you for being here, for walking through this journey of awareness with me.

As a child I raced for the light before “ the crocodiles get me”. At times I find myself still racing for the light in life, afraid of the unknown. This anticipation of danger that causes such a anxiety that it agitates the mind. It is control at its wickedest .Many times people who were aware of my background would say “ you are such a strong person”. I found the most difficult situations to be the easiest to handle , because the unknown factor was missing and I could logically handle illness, insanity and death. It was clear like a deck of cards placed sprawled in front of me. No question to how many cards in the deck , take out one and many questions. Fear the ultimate in control of the unknown. It brings to mind the attack of the woulda, shoulda and coulda. The emotion feeds off of what we can’t see and touch. The ultimate weakness with which all other emotions branch. I find that you cannot separate fear from its counter partners , that of risk,
insecurities , chance , mystery , madness, doubt and confusion. I have fought several fears through out my life, the fear of height and that of dropping a new born. Yet the greatest fear still lurks , the fear of test , the biggest test “ the test of life” on going and always in a state of metamorphose. Now that is the tough one, I can’t see it , I can’t feel it and it constantly challenges me . Where is the light?
Damn those crocodiles!