Tuesday, January 17, 2017

" The Last Mohican"

I am not one to place blame but I do think my siblings really didn't have a chance at a life without turmoil. You read about breaking the cycle of abuse and in many ways though not impossible it is quite difficult. It has a lot to do with survival skills and how to handle the down side of life. When you are not taught how to handle stress , you find yourself falling into patterns of familiarity.
I myself have never been a winter person . It is the dark with gray skies, the down time and to much to time to think that triggers the negativity that weighs the soul down.
I find myself saying goodbye over and over in my mind. By the time I put one death to rest I find myself dealing with another. I have always looked at my brother and sisters through the eyes of a ten year old. The age where you have one foot in childhood and one in adulthood and where hope still stands a chance.

How many tears must fall
to erase the pain and ache?
Where memories flourish
and sorrow deep remains.

Can't rewrite history,
nor alter the script called life,
moving forward with the day
in hopes of making it right.

I wiped the tear of sorrow.
moved it from my cheek
and in my heart it still remains
in the time that looks so bleak.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Domestic Violence, Abuse and how it affects children.

I am in deep sorrow as I write this. My youngest sister was in need of help but help did not come soon enough. Her last visit to Pennsylvania, it was obvious she was on drugs prescription or street drugs. She went to my mother's who said to her" you no longer exist, you are not my daughter." My younger sister never went anywhere without her dog but on Labor day in September of 2016 she drove into the pathway of a Santa Fe Cargo train in a rural town in New Mexico.  It severed her spine , punctured her lungs and she died being prepared for lifeflight. There are unknown answers, did she try to beat the train, was it suicide ? I may never know the answers but her pet wasn't with her. They sent her ashes back after the autopsy and no service was held. It was like her life didn't matter or that she didn't exist. I had a difficult time with it  , somehow I couldn't bring closure. So many unanswered questions and such a violent and lonely way to pass away.
When we were children we were swimming in the river and my father wasn't in sight. We had to be all of five and nine years old. Barge sent waves which knocked my sister off the float. The waters dark and I couldn't see her or find her. I saw her hand reach out of the water and I pulled her close to me. She was horrified. We never spoke about that for years and than one day she thanked me and said you saved my life in the river and again when I needed someone. She was a handful and yes that is what family does ..reaches out to help. But this time with the train accident I felt I didn't do enough to help, that just maybe if I would have tried she wouldn't have been in New Mexico. But all in all you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I once told her you can run the world over but you have to be able to look in the mirror and like what was looking back. She obviously had a difficult time as she searched for a life of happiness and kept turning it into her own personal hell.
I never thought I would be the "last mohican " or the last man standing. I must say it is quite difficult to see and end to all your siblings.
I think about Andrea almost on a daily basis, before the accident i would think she was having the last laugh on the beach with a umbrella drink and well it seemed wherever she went disaster followed. Maybe the journey for her had come to an abrupt end because this was her story. All I know for sure is that mental health is at an all time high and not enough is known and not enough help is out there. How many more people would seek help if they knew that there would not be a stigma , a label?
I guess sometimes tell those who need to hear it that we love them. So if anything I do hope that those who need help find it and that everyone remind themselves to say I love you to those closest to them. " I love you" three words that just might make a difference in someone's day or even more so in their life.
We all have struggles, what separates are those who now to deal with the struggle and those who don't. Every tear that falls is filled with memories, heartache, sorrow despair and the pain that comes with saying once more to a sister. Forgiveness is a healing tool not just for those who need forgiven but for ourselves, to heal and ease the mind.

...the long and winding road.