Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I don't think God expected us to travel it alone and no matter how much strength you are provided, it is nice to have someone else walk along side you. I thought I could share that and that I could lean my head and not worry for once in my life. No judgement, fear, anguish, sorrow, sympathy or hatred, but never less a journey where I truly reach out and find that person reaching back. Weep not of yesterday for love will surely guide the way.

Monday, April 19, 2010

In the Eyes of the Devil


I recognize the flame of hell and through his eyes they dwell,
with threats and anger to ensure that the pain is truly felt. Tiny
little pieces is what he said to me, I'll bury them so deep
that no one will ever see.

Barriers and blockades to hinder as we go with insecurities
abundant, but deep inside I know. Troubling the sickness
that seems to come and go, control, fear and anger from
his wicked spirit grow.

I climbed the nearest mountain and stood in disbelief,
that the world was surely waiting and the seeds of
love were flowing free. Following my foot steps to
the top of the ravine, I reached for a branch and
found him close to me.

You can keep the sim chip your threats a disease,
for there are no tears left to follow in the world
where fear no longer feeds. Wicked is the spirit,
sorrow the game, but I am free to travel and
there is no stopping me.

One last tear has fallen and I wipe it tenderly,
for the spell of love was broken when you
again threatened me. My journey is just
beginning and I know not where it leads,
but surely I can do it, I just need to believe.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I Got Flowers Today

Got Flowers Today
I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night
and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today
It wasn't my anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn’t believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again
and it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.

I wasn't going to post for awhile but I found this poem and it didn't leave my mind, actually its been going through my mind over and over, as I got flowers today. It is ironic all that we are to know, identify each issue, recognize the signs to avoid a violent episode at any cost, be the sole decision maker, psychologist,, analyst, etc. Living life trying to avoid pushing the wrong buttons, wondering what is going on in someone's head is not living. Not every situation is the same and as my sister said some people have it worse. I always hated that line, "someone else has it worse, how it touches each of us, what we get from it , the not so pleasant memories and also the mixed messages and the troubling lessons, they all become a part of who we are.
I again have to remember the people who I began writing for, it actually was a young a woman, a stranger her name was Jessie. I told Jessie nothing about myself, on the other hand Jessie told me an awful lot about her situation. Jessie made me promise I wouldn't forget her, I have since lost the piece of paper with her name on it, but the rose that she placed in my hand still burns a vision and her memory haunting.
Jessie has two children and she is in caught up in one of the most extreme abusive situations. Her husband is in jail and she fears his release. I don't know what people expect of me and how can I make a difference? I am not sure, the years have gone by and I have battled my own insecurity and stepped in unknown territory to prove my worth. The decision making is difficult and I wonder exactly what road lies ahead and in what direction shall we journey. When you live by love and faith is your guide, it is very difficult to understand those who strike out in anger and with hatred towards someone who they claim to love. That will always blow my mind. How many times must a person be threatened? Where in the equation is does abuse and hatred become equal to love? The hills high and the roads long and each step seems to go slowly, leading in the direction where the reality of the dysfunction and the awarness leads us to resolving the traits of weakness in the lives of those who exist in a dysfunctional world. I always hated that word dysfunction, as many people are functioning in really cruel situations.
At one point you understand your own backyard and than you see beyond it. Sadly enough this is not limited to a city, state country, as all over the world seeds of evil get their start behind the doors of fear.

He who initiates the fear has already lost in the game of life,
for love spans beyond the dysfunction to bring peace.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

We are the moment

I won't be posting for awhile, but you can feel free to read through past post. The weather is beautiful, it's the busy time of year and I like to take advantage of it while it is here.
I still believe people are very judgemental and that they might not be able to see the spirit through the stories. I hope that is not the case.
There are many reasons why people do what they do, why they make the decisions and why they endure all they do. Honesty, truth and faith are crucial to understanding the path we are placed on. I was reading a book years ago, it was generally about why every one's journey is different. Once long ago an acquaintance said" it is great to have emotions don't allow them to lead." I think that is difficult in my case, some refer to it as having a heart. Actually I hear that a good bit you have such the heart. This ability to see the plight of others, to feel the plights of others and to take into consideration all those who are entangled in the web. In the eyes of truth our experiences and decisions are factored in to what is best for everyone.
I speak with many women and I can see the similarities in the stories and in the experiences. The differences come about in how we deal with it. I want to shy away from the stereotypes and the judgement call of right and wrong. I'd like to say different. It is called character and it's being formed way before we even acknowledge it. The good and bad of it.
I was asked what am I doing to implement changes in my life?I have to say that I have my dreams, my wants and my desires and that I have placed them aside to walk a path of knowledge. The knowledge that is attained is as important as that which is given. I am receiving the power of life that this merge of spirits creates. My path is unique to me, I have learned to devour and digest and at that point let go of the past and walk into the light of the future. What does the future hold? I don't know, I know the gift is here, right now into the moment. I have met some extraordinary people online at work and in my everyday life. There is a sharing of the moment that is expressed through all that we do.
I am the moment! What I do to day will in no way alter the past, but it will lead me to tomorrow. Many people or I must say most people don't know my history and I am not sure of that is good or bad. I survived, I am a being of love, one of spirit, one of joy and I am being directed in away that will help others, that is the opportunities that have been granted to not only myself but al of us. I listen to people who have read the books, they think they have the answers, but the answers are in those who have experienced and understand the weak threads of humanity. Anyone who believes they have never been touched or entwined in these threads are kidding themselves. We are all here to experience and these experiences are different for each and everyone of us. Different stories, the say book, the book of emotion. What are the emotions? Happiness, sadness,pain or joy, excitement, anxiety, they all represent our inner dealings with life. It all might come for different reasons, sometimes we feel it with the passing on of a life, a failure in our personal life's, breaks up, struggles of many kind, work, lack of balance.
I call this time in life, my time, yes my time! Why it is so, in this time of opportunity by guiding myself down the right roads I am able to reach out and help others in turn, I believe I am helping myself. This is part of the plan to take the knowledge that I have attained and use it as a prevention tool, to improve or direct myself and others down a more peaceful and enlightenment filled process. Can I be everything to everyone? Big mistake even trying, in reality all we can be is all that we are and " to our own self be true" They are important words because we like to lie to ourselves. I would be kidding myself if I didn't look reality in the eye and admit that I have not yet reached my own goals on a personal note. Yes I want to wake up to those morning kisses, but also I know that I am not willing to sacrifice again who I really am. The person who is able to walk beside me, has to be willing to appreciate and respect all of me, where I have been, who I am and all that is ahead of me. I am not sure I am willing to be as trustful as I once was, I am a bit leery.
I gave a speech recently and after the clapping and hands waving, a woman stood up and said "but you are so darn happy!" Well, let me say this we do not have to give power to those who try to victimize, we are stronger, we are leaders in our community, friends and mothers and most important as I take this moment to speak for those who have fallen victim, we are women and children. It is true that we cannot alone change the world, I believe together we are an extraordinary group of people who not only can but are making a difference.
I need this time away on the blogging, but I ask you that you review your life and realize that there are options. It is not always so easy, but with faith and love I believe anything is possible. I myself have fallen into a trap believing that there is some fairytale ending in life. No fairytale but as we learn how to deal with stress and reach out to our friends we find that we can rise above. Sharing in our stories brings us a new opportunities and also teaches us there are many ways, not one but many ways to live a happy life.

I love all of you for your support and understanding and for the emails and the kindness that has been shared and a special thank you to Gail for our childhood bonding. Remember we are not defined by the paths in the journey but what we do with what has been attained on the path in the journey.

are equal
to our