Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Unitelligble Mayhem

The misunderstood infliction of one soul upon another.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Poster Child for Abuse

I really didn't know where to start with this post. Each dysfunctional family has a blue print unique to that individual situation. There are still many similarities between the various abusive families, sometimes the connection is drug abuse, alcohol abuse, financial situations, illness and health issues and can also be ignorance, lack of education and others times its simply being caught up in the cycle of abuse. There is no trauma to the heart, soul and mind that is less or worse than another. To the children involved each is very, very serious. A slap across the face, a beating till a child can't walk, sexual abuse, verbal, fear, hatred are all ugliness in the weak threads of life.
Many of us don't look like the average poster child for abuse. But that does not make the crime against humanity any less painful. Even when we don't realize it, we are in a cycle which will provide the next generation of child abuse. Can we stop it? Will we stop it? Some will and some won't. I believe with all my heart that children are born pure. I had at one time believed that a child who grows up to an evil adult was born of a bad seed. But the more stories I hear of child abuse, I find that they each lack various ingredients necessary for a stable and healthy atmosphere. How do we give love, peace, respect, to children who have never experienced those various emotions. To a child who has been stripped of their individuality and ingrained with fear from early on in life.
Fear is what and abusive child is taught early on. It can make a child hide within them self, become hateful, angry, lonely and lost. I think in this era we are blessed with technology which allows us to educate, understand and share in our own personal stories. The more we open up and the more we talk about it, the more we reveal what power the abuser has on a child way after they have grown up.
I wish there were easy answers and I could save the world and all the children in it. A child is born to be loved and with love I believe we can change the outcome if only one child at a time. The poster child for abuse is not one but many, of every color, ethnicity, income brackets and place in the world. There are the children that are obvious who live on the streets who have no restrictions placed upon them and they are easier to recognize.There are many more who don't fit the look of the obvious poster child and yet the cries are just as loud and their pain and their needs. I am not sure why such ugliness exist in the world, but it does. I cry for the many children who will never get a chance to break the cycle of abuse and for my sister who's smile was removed way to soon from this world. The only way we will ever slow down the cycle of abuse is to intervene earlier in the lives of children and parents alike. Yes there are classes now for young parents and youth groups and yet this is still not enough to stop the violence. What will it take? We have enough money and resources on this earth that no one should starve, go without shoes, or lack quality education. Each child that is born gives us an opportunity to make the world better. Guidance and education are part of the intervention process. They say that people get what they earn and that the wealthiest people at the top of the chain deserve what they have and that the share no responsibility to those who they feel are leeches on society. I am talking in dreams of a Utopia , it all seems so easy, just replace hate and greed with love. Just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love. Just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love. Just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love. Just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love. Just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love. Just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love, just replace hate and greed with love,just replace hate and greed with love.

I was hoping if I said it enough times I could make it a reality... but unfortunately hate and greed exist and will prevail as it prevents us from curing the world of the viscous seeds of abuse.

Friday, November 5, 2010

May you be blessed with the holiday spirit everyday of the year

I think of each day as a holiday, a celebration of life. I always keep a turkey in the freezer for when my own children come home so that we will be able to enjoy each others company and celebrate and eat. When you are sharing a moment or a day with friends and family it is a true thanksgiving despite the holiday calendar.
I have not always made the right decisions when it came to my own intermediate family. I tried so hard not to pass on my own childhood dysfunction. I guess you would say that I struggle with the past even to this day. Not necessarily with the stories or the facts of the individual violent episodes branded to my soul but with my ability to deal with, understand and in someways know what is right and wrong.
As an adult I made every attempt to hide the negativity and to treat each situation differently as not to repeat the errors of my parents ways. Yet in some bizarre way I found myself in a situation that was eerily familiar. How I react and I struggled to surface above it was much different than my mother and yet it was as if we dealt with the same situations in our unique way.
I do believe when you have a supportive cast you are much more able to comprehend and rise above circumstances, such as financial, control, heartache loneliness as well illness, accidents and yes dysfunction. I find that like many I nearly drowned in the pressure and stress that became an everyday occurrence. I feel that it is important to be taught survival skills and I find it ironic that what is normal behavior to some is not to others. I have at many times waited till I couldn't take anymore to stand up for myself, like a rat backed into a corner fights back.
I think we shouldn't take children for granted. I spent a lifetime trying to hide abuse from my own children. Did I think because they didn't see the actual physical hit, twisting of arms, control and verbal abuse that they didn't know it was happening? What did they see, hear or understand? I know that I am not the same person I was earlier on in my marriage. I have learned that it takes a combination of factors to create the victim and perpetrator scenario. I do to this day battle both spiritually and physically to be stronger, smarter and more capable of preventing a negative situation from reoccurring.
Sometimes I find that I am so afraid of standing still that I may fall back into old habits and learned behavior of the norm for a dysfunctional family. I indulge in work so that I don't become weak and comfortable. Maybe it is the dreams that we are taught early on for a world that doesn't exist. In a dialogue with a friend of the family he said " I am not a stranger to tragedy" None of us are we all will at sometime meet face to face with death, sickness, finances and our own personal struggles. We are of course all human and will bare the trials of our human weakness. What separates us is the knowledge and our own survival skills as well as our own abilities to prevent stress and anxiety from taking hold and leading us down the wrong path.
As many of you prepare to celebrate the holidays be reminded of those who are alone, lost and struggling to find their survival suitcase. Sometimes it is a smile, a wave hello or goodbye, little things can become major things in the life of a person who is lost spiritually.
Suicides are typically up during the holidays. Many times it is because we see it as a big family get together. Many have no families, some are estranged and others have not realized that gifts and over indulgence in food does not make a holiday. Laughter, happiness, sharing and bonding creates memories that will carry a person through life.

Happy Thanksgiving! Share a kind word, a smile, a hug...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Adult Child

I was watching a movie of a true story about a woman who was on death row. Throughout the story they tried to convince not only the jury but the viewer that it was because of the womans childhood or lack of upbringing that made her a candidate for murder. I can't remember exactly when I had a conscious understanding of right and wrong but I knew from very early on what didn't feel right or seem right. In many instances we do have roll models that reflect right and wrong. We look to adults in youth groups, neighbors, relatives and yes even other children and their families, etc. Even before we are introduced to the world beyond our own we have an internal understanding of what is expected or what is society's normal. I tried to think about my emotions and my thoughts in what I believed was a world of turmoil.
I can remember being ten years old very clearly. There was a merge of personality still part child and another part of me entering the world of adults. I always thought that any stability that I had came at this particular time but I also had a deep and profound understanding of the dysfunction in which we as children were raised. I thought it was pretty amazing how much you know and understand as a child without even discussing it with anyone. Repeatedly watching attempted murder is like watching a murder being carried out over and over again. The irony was that it was like the Bill Murray movie " Ground Hog Day" it was the same violent and disruptive life style over and over again. I don't believe we became numb to the violence but on the contrary we learned to recognize the signs and expect the worst. My mother was an obvious key, as it was her actions that prepped us both early in the morning and through out the day. I can remember laying across the bed and thinking about all the negativity with in my own life. I don't really recall wondering what my brother and sister thought, in many ways we each were looking for our own out. I believe early on that it was about own survival. The 60's came with their own set of problems, it was a time of rebellion and change in society's structure, especially closer to the 70's. People were talking more and less was being hidden in the closet. Because we really knew it wasn't right, it forced each of us to leave home at an early age, to find an escape. My brother was the eldest he joined the military, my eldest sister fought and earned her right at 16 in the courts when she won her right with minor emancipation. The third born was pregnant as a teen and ended up marrying the baby's father and of course dying way before her time. I went to live with my brother after his release from the military and my youngest sister left in her teens on a road of most would expect from a troubled teen. Choices we were at the age where we could decide to get away and we did. But no matter where we run the memories come with us. Almost all of my life I had this internal drive to run, run as far and as fast I could,but no matter where I went I had to deal with all that happen. I couldn't run fast enough nor far enough and I couldn't hide. The beginning of writing was the first step in standing up and accepting the past as a chapter that happened. Turning the pages and looking ahead to the future without the need to run was not easy but necessary. I understood at this time the importance of facing our ghost and acknowledging that in many ways our tools to achieve were limited to what we were taught as a child. Do I believe my parents loved me, strangely enough I do believe my father did, I thought my mother regretted having children. She always said she didn't want girls and she had four of them. She hated domestics cooking, baking and I can guess really what I learned about all the necessary skills of homemaking came from my eldest sister Lex. I can't ever remember her lovingly combing my hair an when I try to think of the time that was positive with mother in those early years I find it almost impossible. Except for one day when I was really small and I had to have an operation on my feet, I remember crying as they took me from her, " I want my mommie, I want my mommie" In most situations that is what a child wants is to be loved and I guess that is why even though it's wrong we love our abuser. Love is a need no different than food and water and a essential part of our internal human being. Whether our love comes from a dysfunctional parent or an abusive spouse, we seek and need to be loved. I am not sure why that is so, doesn't seem to happen to everyone that way, but as much as I love my parents, I hate them for what they did to five innocent children. I am not proud of that anger that has remained inside of me for so many years and letting it go is in itself therapeutic. I spent the better part of my life trying to understand why my parents were like this and the obvious always surfaces, they were two people who were never meant to come together and have five children. The love between them was weak and they didn't have what it takes to rise above the negative chapters of life. I shall not carry their guilt and yet when push comes to shove I have done all I can to continue to walk without ruffling feathers. Why? Because I am so aware of what people are capable of and I have learned that fear is the ultimate motivator in a dysfunctional family. Once that trigger of fear is pulled the gears are in motion and a life is altered.

Friday, October 15, 2010


I pretty much digested the past and though I recognize that there is a part of me who stood witness to the crime of abuse. The merging of the present and the past allows me personally to move forward. I believe that denial and secrets just place added grief on a person, as if we are to continue to carry on the ills and guilt of domestic abuse. There are many who surface above and yes are survivors and that is truly a positive direction. How, when, where and why, it seems to all be part of our intended journey. Don't get me wrong I don't think we were necessarily intended to experience such negativity, but I do believe because of our human weakness and strengths we were able to experience and gather knowledge maybe in hopes that we will someday rid our world of such violence.
I rarely go back for one major reason we can't change the past and also if I dwell a little to long I get nightmares. You need to know when to step back and when to step ahead. All we can really be sure of is in what direction we will lead our life for the future, what do we pack in the suitcase to take along with us. With the passing of my father and my mother up in age, I feel as if a chapter has come to an end. So many tears have fallen those which are behind eyes and no one can see. I think at times we are taught to search for a fairytale ending and that in itself sets a person up for a fall.
I have been thinking about my future and what I want from it. That is always difficult because we have a variety of expectations for ourself and for our children. There is a gray area where the decisions we make today will lead us down the path of tomorrow. I can' honestly say there are days I rather just roll over and pull that blanket over my head and not get out of bed and other days where the bigger picture is just that much more clearer. Of course I want what everyone wants to be happy. Happiness is a form of contentment and that contentment has nothing to do with possession. Being in the arms of someone who loves you so is happiness, with that kind of happiness you can surface above anything and everything. What makes you happy?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

There is Hope

I spoke with a friend today and though many times I think enough has been said, I am encouraged to write, educate and document moments of my own life. My dear friend said "give other people hope." I thought about that where I have been , where I am now and where I am going and what it took me to rise above it. It is true that writing in itself is therapy. In documenting my life I have been able to surface above it the negative. I am not sure where to start, so I will start from the beginning of my young adulthood.
Family life was extremely dysfunctional. I worked from an early age and attending school left really no time for socializing with people my own age. When I met the man who would become my husband, I look back and I don't really know what I thought. Life seem to be a day for a day with many struggles. Dysfunctional a family we were still taught morals, so there were many red flags, control being one of them, aggression, possessiveness and poor decision making skills. These are a few red flags that you recognize in a person but don't in your teenage years know what they mean. It was simple things at first, closing off contact with other people, not letting me have time with girlfriends, threatening my employer, staying at my place of work all day. At first I like many young women confused some of these signs with wow, he really likes me. Sometimes and I believe this to be true, dysfunction needs two pieces of a puzzle in interlock. You can't be an abuser, unless the other partner allows themselves to be abused. So I realized not only with my own daughter but with other young women that it was so important for them to understand the red flags of dating. What is socially a part of the norm and not is important for us to recognize and to get away before one becomes a part of the sickness. There were other issues that were never really acknowledged, how one treats you, compassion, respect and the importance of not giving in or up ones own personality.
Somethings were a minor adjustment, not seeing eye to eye, morale and religious convictions and our choices and responses to life. Of course you love a person or you wouldn't commit to trying to make a marriage. If a person and I mean any person, friend, lover or partner of any kind, belittles,downs your look, clothing, body, personality than one must take a serious look at whom they choose to surround them self with. At no time should one feel less than, hurt, Verbal abuse is real and it doesn't just hurt but it sets in motion the key of dysfunction insecurity. Once insecurity is unlocked abuse is set in full function.
Most things appeared minor some of it I just brushed aside. Flaws in ones character and the unrealistic set of goals where neither see eye to eye are all something to take note of. But I think it did start with sex, men will say " women use sex to control a man" and a woman says" that "man uses force in sex to exert his position as ruler" In reality aggression really has no place in a loving relationship. There is definitely a good and bad feeling that can be had. It is seems like the steps that chip away at a persons being are started even before they realize it. Sex between two people should be a loving experience and yet there are so many crazy things people do that just don't feel right.
I chalked a lot of the red signs up to being " old school" But as I am learning it is not about old school, or even the victims insecurities abuse is about the abusers insecurities. It is amazing how many have problems where alcohol and drugs have no part in.
If sweet talk doesn't work use fear. The abuser has many tools in which he uses to control his partner. They are extremely confusing because sometimes they are camouflaged as being a sweet action when in reality they are placing guilt. Many people have heard it, Look what I do for you, I am so sorry, it will never happen again, but I love you, I didn't mean it to happen.
Neglect, many people don't think of neglect as being abused. Oh but it so high on the abusive list. We as humans have many needs to be met, some of them are interaction, growth, education, community, this is where isolation comes in. These are all very, very minor and some may thing abuse is not yet prevalent. But as they say the wheel is being set in motion and period of outburst are part of the abuse pattern.
Easier at times to recognize the good in a relationship than to dwell on bad. If you have a good re pore and you have trust, respect, compassion and love, with no gaps in between than you will have avoided the foundation that is set for abuse.
I found that abuse is also a pattern. That there are steps to it. I have heard referred to as the honeymoon stage. It is where they are on good behavior and everything seems positive, promises of change. But that gives way to episodes that are unforgivable. One person doesn't need to be beat black and blue to be abused. Pulling hair, kicking pushing,bending arms behind their back, belittling are all unexceptionable behaviors. Some situations escalate and others seem to avoid the major explosions.
Breeding Fear it is amazing that a person doesn't need to be hit to create a situation which breeds fears. I can remember several situations, I try to forget them but some of the more difficult ones remain. I can see his face he is filled with hate and ugliness, I am not sure what is wrong, he has the gun in his hand, he is in the middle the yard and bullets are flying through the air, he is screaming, I am not sure about what,yelling for the neighbor to come out to kill him. Why is he doing this? I don't think to call the police oh it would be such an embarrassment, it would end up in the paper and everything. I need to calm him down, he is ranting, I am not sure about what, screaming about a car on the road cutting him off. None of it makes sense, I am afraid and not, I grew up in a dysfunctional home, I had myself convinced I could handle it. I talked him into putting the gun down after about twenty minutes of him screaming and shooting the gun off. My son running through the woods to get the dog that got loose, ducks the bullets flying past him. I don't think it was right to try to handle the situation, he had been on a verge of a break down many times and each time he reached for the gun to kill someone else or to kill himself. I was taught to be afraid of the system as much as I was afraid of the man who gave me more of a dysfunctional life. Here I am telling people to get help, but I didn't believe help was out there, part of me still doesn't that is the sad part, I don' t believe real help is out there. We are taught to fear the police, the courts and the system which threatens to disrupt an already disruptive life.

Fear from the abuser, fear of the system, fear of letting out those dirty little secrets.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Crazy is ..bringing children into a world and not loving them.

Spoke with someone from when we were kids. It made me think about a time that I had pretty much digested. One of the questions was why? Why was my sister so abused and she was. My father called it discipline, but it was anything but. You don't beat children till they bleed, you don' t make them stand on rock salt bare foot in corners till they can no longer stand. Yet that is exactly what my father did. It was a rather strict life style you either followed the rules or you were punished sometimes it was, no let me rephrase that, it was always unnecessary punishments.
My sister was very attractive she had sunshine in her eyes and a warmth in her smile. Dating was forbidden, talking to boys were off limits. I can honestly say that I don't really know why he chose to punish so aggressively. Could have been laughter or smiling, or being children. Lights out, than lights better be out or he would come up those stairs swinging that belt. It is funny if I think about it I can actually here the shuffle of his footsteps. I didn't want to go back, " don't you dare move!" if you jumped or cried he would swing that much harder. I remember the later years easier, if my sister skirt was wrinkled it would be a reason to beat her, if she put make up on, if her hair wasn't fixed right, if she spoke to a boy, if she was late coming home from school, if the dishes were not clean enough, if the table wasn't set, if she smiled, if she laughed, if she cried.
Didn't want to go back...no I didn't, but here I am. I see the gravel, the empty lot over grown with weeds, the railroad tracks, the river. the greyness of it all. I am not sure why my parents are yelling, my elder sister always got yelled at. "Take your little sister to her room," almost as if mother was prepared for an argument with my father. Get the little ones out of here! breaking glass, screaming, all night long, I couldn't sleep unless the train was going by... I learned to love that hum. I was nine years old, this particular argument escalated. My mother grabbed a knife, my father tried to take it off her, she was stronger than you would think a woman could be. My father turned to go out the door. Not once, but twice she placed the knife in his back, he called out for my elder sister as he fell to the ground. My brother and sister tried to stop the bleeding, it seem like forever till the ambulance came to take him to the hospital. Like the many times before and after he refused to name my mother as the perpetrator. Can't sleep, can't cry, holds my dolly. Every thing will be okay, daddy will be alright. Mothers eyes red filled with tears and rage. Why was this happening, did she hate him so?
The next day was quiet, my older sister spent the day cleaning broken glass. I went outside to play ball, the other children were not allowed to talk to me. Stay away from her, her parents are crazy. "Your mom is crazy, your mom is crazy!"Some of the children whispered, others chanted. I can remember their names, one day they were friends playing and riding a bicycle the next they were told to stay away from me. Was I bad? Is this why my parents did that? I was afraid, I was alone. We never spoke of it, we never asked questions. It was the secret that everybody knew. It was a rather confusing time, two people who held each other, hated each other so much that they destroyed each others lives. I talked to my Dolly's allot, I escaped into a world of fantasy. Children can be mean, did they know we were hurting inside? did they know we were confused?
I spoke with my eldest sister recently, she said"momma should have died when she jumped from the bridge" She said it would have been over, instead it happened over and over again. The short years of childhood were filled with violence, suicide, ugliness, punishments verbal and physical. The knives are hidden everywhere, don't touch them momma will be mad. They are under the sofa, under the pillow, in my bed, under the cushion of the rocker.She said "If he comes back in this house I'm gonna kill him" I heard the polices sirens I ran to the window, momma yelled at me" she said "run, run to the window, look for your daddy!" Were they taking daddy are they taking him away again? I feel like I am in the room I can see her holding a hatchet she is really mad, she really is mad at him, she keeps repeating she is going to kill him. She yells really loud to my sister, "I told you to get these children out of here. " She grabs my hand and puts my coat on, we go to the park and my sister see's her friends, I play on the swings. I am alone, "don't play with her, her parents are crazy." I have been alone my whole life, keeping the secrets so well hidden, that I myself had forgotten them, or did I?

Friday, August 20, 2010

No Fairytale

My mother was quintessential princess, who married a frog who stayed a frog. I think we go about life trying to change one another. In all reality it is impossible to change a person who doesn't seek to change.
I was thinking about Mother today. After my parents finally went their own ways. Mother succeeded in ways far beyond what people would have believed possible. She went back to college late in life earned a medical degree and worked at the hospital till her late 70's. My father on the other hand lived a miserable lonely existence.
One person can bring another person down to a level that doesn't mesh with society's standards. My father wanted to keep her isolated from the world,mother was a people person and she thrived on the interaction.
The years flow and though some of it is rather grainy. My sisters battle with the courts for minor emancipation and winning it in her teens, shed led on the possibilities if we believe. The part most overlooked is the network in which we are involved and how one decision affects everyone all those within the network. Sometimes this happens in a good way and not such a good way.
I was asked if my life parallels my mothers,there are similarities and not

Sunday, August 8, 2010


Sometimes we do what we have to, it's called survival. Life is a fine tuned network involving many people. How and why is as unique as there are individuals. There are sometimes common factors that put us on the same stage of life or down the path of experience. I had wished many times that I had the knowledge which I gained through maturity but all in all there had to be some underlying reasoning behind all of our experiences. My sister always said it is one day at a time, sometimes I think it is minute by minute. Get through each minute, dissect it apart hold to the positive and let go of the negative. That doesn't mean we forget but we don't allow it to control our lives. Life is so short and it is crucial that we understand our involvement in redirecting the journey in a positive manner.
Most is important is your safety both physically and mentally, there are no right and wrongs only what works best in a particular situation. Shame has no place in the book of survival, we are not responsible nor shall we take blame for those who refuse to seek help. In my experience, there is no easy way, or any one particular right way to deal with life. The best thing to do is keep lines of communication open and believe...

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Is is possible that a person can be to kind? Do we open our heart and reveal our vulnerabilities without even being aware? Is the web which is spun over many years capable of being removed? They are a few of the questions that I find many of us confront. It is not easy saying to know and sometimes it is our inability to see in advance that places us in a path of self destruction. I think we are capable of allowing ourselves to become victims. Being to optimistic without really taking in the reality places us on a roller coaster. Getting off the roller coaster taking some doing, that which leads us to the web. It is not always possible to remove all that we are spun into, but hopefully enough so that we can break through and breathe in new territory. Education is so important, knowing our position and what is available to us.
I am a bit sad today, borderline depressed.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Discipline or Abuse

I again question if ever aggression should be applied to discipline? I find it troubling, whether domestic or world wide issues. Though it has been said history repeats itself, I was sure as a people of the human race that we would have advanced to be smarter. It seems obvious that there are a few building blocks which are instilled, greed,jealousy, hatred and ignorance.With these general negative components to the human mind, we continue to breed people who don't understand that the walk through salvation comes with acceptance and love. It is sad enough that we have errors in judgment with nature that we don't need to compound the problems.

There is one thing that I have lived by my whole life and that is treat others as I want to be treated, this in itself eliminates a lot of ugliness, to bad everyone doesn't apply this to their daily actions. The world would definitely be a better place.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Lost but not forgotten

Speaking with a woman in her seventies yesterday one of the first things she said was I have been married for 54 years. Before I had a chance to say congratulations she had already spit out how mean he was and the physical and verbal abuse she had endured through out her marriage. Her bond with her children, her decision to stay in a marriage with a violent alcoholic and her new independence since his death. One thing that took me by surprise was despite the visuals scars that could be seen on her body she shared a little information that since his death it has been a transition to sleep alone. As I listened my mind raced, Saint, Martyr or Victim? Five children, no drivers license, her parents gone at an early age, isolation, no siblings. Wow! I thought how badly the odds were stacked against her.
One of the other women who was working their today was quite opposite in her early 20's married and divorced the first year of her marriage. Independent, confident and appeared on track, though inside still suffering from the broken dreams of a future with whom she had believed to be her partner in love and life.
The two women dealt with life in the times that they lived through. One endured, one got out before children were introduced to a marriage. I thought there is a method to God's madness on the road we travel, but honestly the power and the answer lie with in us. Education being key, I knew more than ever that maybe it wasn't about how to get out that was so important but identifying the poison traits of dysfunction before you ever enter into a relationship. I compared the two stories one had a support, friends family and a network, the other was alone in the world, without friends, isolated and alone. I now realized the importance of the network and the new found ability to swallow and digest the signs of a victim. What were the common factors those who were seriously abused had a heart. It was almost as if the predator was hand picking their choice of victim for life. Those who they could string along with promises, only to over and over disappoint them with outburst and strikes against the soul.
As the conversation with both of these women continued my only response was to them, I don't know the answer or the why of it. I only know that we experience what we do for a reason. What have you learned what difference can you make in another persons life. As I was introduced to various members of the family of both women, the elderly woman who found strength in her children and the younger woman who had an extraordinary bond with her daughter, I shook my head to the evils of being human that had surfaced in both of these womens lives.
Some of us feel trapped and others strong enough to stand up for ourselves. One has to remember the fear and lack of fear in both of these situations. The younger woman feared staying a relationship, the other one feared for her life at the thought of getting out. As I hugged each woman felt their struggles on the journey, I also felt their courage to share, educate and allow me a glimpse of their trouble world.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I attended a seminar and it was I wouldn't say irony but the similarity of stories amongst the women were frighteningly common. It wasn't like I was inquisitive it started rather unexpectedly.The woman in the hotel shop was talking about weight and I told her that walking and running was a good way to speed the metabolism, she went on to speak about the damage to her knees from her ex husband who repeatedly abused her. But the stores didn't stop with her, women who were high profile some how began sharing their stories with me. One of the women said you have a presence about you and I happy to have made your acquaintance. I thought what and why is that people felt they could easily open up and it occurred to me, as one woman said recently "you are so real. " Real? Does that mean they know I relate? That I am open? That I understand? What did real mean in this situation. After so many stories and the different ways people deal with situations it was more clear to me that fixing the woes of the world was more difficult than preventing them. Here is where my dreams begin as I saw prevention as a way of identifying the red flags before a person ends up in a relationship, with the stalker, abuser, insecure,dysfunctional, insanity, distrustful person.
Many of the women said the flags were clear but it took them years to understand them and many divorced and many did not. My mine a bit frazzled jumped to our youth, teaching people the importance of respect and trust should begin at home but if not than it is our place in society to give especially to our young women opportunities that will allow to avoid negative situations that would be harmful to them in the future.Rarely are the their not signs, some and many of them, had hard working partners, who didn't drink or do drugs and yet they were in violent situations. So many times it was asked if it is a learned behavior?
One woman she had a softness about her and a quality that was quaint it was hard for me to believe anyone could hard this mild mannered gem. She spoke of the stalker mentality, she said early on she thought that must mean he loves me. The choosing of clothing, the dressing up to attract other men, just to prove that you belong to them. We are possessions, we are not owned, we are not to be paraded. The lack of trust that a person does not even give space to an individual is not a sign of love, it is a weakness and a sickness that only gets worse at time goes on.
Imagine you are at a all woman's convention and a husband shows up he see's a man there, could be a speaker, waiter, musician. He gets unruly and he accuses his wife of lying and the threatens are verbally and he shouts I want to punch you in the face right now. You are a liar he yells, you said there would be no men. After the episode he says how much he loves you, than he is back to himself that you are embarrassed to be with him. No where in his scenario is there any signs of love.

Isolation is the tool of a controller.

Choosing your clothes and make up is not a compliment, as every woman is capable of choosing her own wardrobe.

Having women friends is not a crime and the mutual bonding is necessary for growth.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I don't think God expected us to travel it alone and no matter how much strength you are provided, it is nice to have someone else walk along side you. I thought I could share that and that I could lean my head and not worry for once in my life. No judgement, fear, anguish, sorrow, sympathy or hatred, but never less a journey where I truly reach out and find that person reaching back. Weep not of yesterday for love will surely guide the way.

Monday, April 19, 2010

In the Eyes of the Devil


I recognize the flame of hell and through his eyes they dwell,
with threats and anger to ensure that the pain is truly felt. Tiny
little pieces is what he said to me, I'll bury them so deep
that no one will ever see.

Barriers and blockades to hinder as we go with insecurities
abundant, but deep inside I know. Troubling the sickness
that seems to come and go, control, fear and anger from
his wicked spirit grow.

I climbed the nearest mountain and stood in disbelief,
that the world was surely waiting and the seeds of
love were flowing free. Following my foot steps to
the top of the ravine, I reached for a branch and
found him close to me.

You can keep the sim chip your threats a disease,
for there are no tears left to follow in the world
where fear no longer feeds. Wicked is the spirit,
sorrow the game, but I am free to travel and
there is no stopping me.

One last tear has fallen and I wipe it tenderly,
for the spell of love was broken when you
again threatened me. My journey is just
beginning and I know not where it leads,
but surely I can do it, I just need to believe.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I Got Flowers Today

Got Flowers Today
I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night
and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today
It wasn't my anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn’t believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again
and it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.

I wasn't going to post for awhile but I found this poem and it didn't leave my mind, actually its been going through my mind over and over, as I got flowers today. It is ironic all that we are to know, identify each issue, recognize the signs to avoid a violent episode at any cost, be the sole decision maker, psychologist,, analyst, etc. Living life trying to avoid pushing the wrong buttons, wondering what is going on in someone's head is not living. Not every situation is the same and as my sister said some people have it worse. I always hated that line, "someone else has it worse, how it touches each of us, what we get from it , the not so pleasant memories and also the mixed messages and the troubling lessons, they all become a part of who we are.
I again have to remember the people who I began writing for, it actually was a young a woman, a stranger her name was Jessie. I told Jessie nothing about myself, on the other hand Jessie told me an awful lot about her situation. Jessie made me promise I wouldn't forget her, I have since lost the piece of paper with her name on it, but the rose that she placed in my hand still burns a vision and her memory haunting.
Jessie has two children and she is in caught up in one of the most extreme abusive situations. Her husband is in jail and she fears his release. I don't know what people expect of me and how can I make a difference? I am not sure, the years have gone by and I have battled my own insecurity and stepped in unknown territory to prove my worth. The decision making is difficult and I wonder exactly what road lies ahead and in what direction shall we journey. When you live by love and faith is your guide, it is very difficult to understand those who strike out in anger and with hatred towards someone who they claim to love. That will always blow my mind. How many times must a person be threatened? Where in the equation is does abuse and hatred become equal to love? The hills high and the roads long and each step seems to go slowly, leading in the direction where the reality of the dysfunction and the awarness leads us to resolving the traits of weakness in the lives of those who exist in a dysfunctional world. I always hated that word dysfunction, as many people are functioning in really cruel situations.
At one point you understand your own backyard and than you see beyond it. Sadly enough this is not limited to a city, state country, as all over the world seeds of evil get their start behind the doors of fear.

He who initiates the fear has already lost in the game of life,
for love spans beyond the dysfunction to bring peace.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

We are the moment

I won't be posting for awhile, but you can feel free to read through past post. The weather is beautiful, it's the busy time of year and I like to take advantage of it while it is here.
I still believe people are very judgemental and that they might not be able to see the spirit through the stories. I hope that is not the case.
There are many reasons why people do what they do, why they make the decisions and why they endure all they do. Honesty, truth and faith are crucial to understanding the path we are placed on. I was reading a book years ago, it was generally about why every one's journey is different. Once long ago an acquaintance said" it is great to have emotions don't allow them to lead." I think that is difficult in my case, some refer to it as having a heart. Actually I hear that a good bit you have such the heart. This ability to see the plight of others, to feel the plights of others and to take into consideration all those who are entangled in the web. In the eyes of truth our experiences and decisions are factored in to what is best for everyone.
I speak with many women and I can see the similarities in the stories and in the experiences. The differences come about in how we deal with it. I want to shy away from the stereotypes and the judgement call of right and wrong. I'd like to say different. It is called character and it's being formed way before we even acknowledge it. The good and bad of it.
I was asked what am I doing to implement changes in my life?I have to say that I have my dreams, my wants and my desires and that I have placed them aside to walk a path of knowledge. The knowledge that is attained is as important as that which is given. I am receiving the power of life that this merge of spirits creates. My path is unique to me, I have learned to devour and digest and at that point let go of the past and walk into the light of the future. What does the future hold? I don't know, I know the gift is here, right now into the moment. I have met some extraordinary people online at work and in my everyday life. There is a sharing of the moment that is expressed through all that we do.
I am the moment! What I do to day will in no way alter the past, but it will lead me to tomorrow. Many people or I must say most people don't know my history and I am not sure of that is good or bad. I survived, I am a being of love, one of spirit, one of joy and I am being directed in away that will help others, that is the opportunities that have been granted to not only myself but al of us. I listen to people who have read the books, they think they have the answers, but the answers are in those who have experienced and understand the weak threads of humanity. Anyone who believes they have never been touched or entwined in these threads are kidding themselves. We are all here to experience and these experiences are different for each and everyone of us. Different stories, the say book, the book of emotion. What are the emotions? Happiness, sadness,pain or joy, excitement, anxiety, they all represent our inner dealings with life. It all might come for different reasons, sometimes we feel it with the passing on of a life, a failure in our personal life's, breaks up, struggles of many kind, work, lack of balance.
I call this time in life, my time, yes my time! Why it is so, in this time of opportunity by guiding myself down the right roads I am able to reach out and help others in turn, I believe I am helping myself. This is part of the plan to take the knowledge that I have attained and use it as a prevention tool, to improve or direct myself and others down a more peaceful and enlightenment filled process. Can I be everything to everyone? Big mistake even trying, in reality all we can be is all that we are and " to our own self be true" They are important words because we like to lie to ourselves. I would be kidding myself if I didn't look reality in the eye and admit that I have not yet reached my own goals on a personal note. Yes I want to wake up to those morning kisses, but also I know that I am not willing to sacrifice again who I really am. The person who is able to walk beside me, has to be willing to appreciate and respect all of me, where I have been, who I am and all that is ahead of me. I am not sure I am willing to be as trustful as I once was, I am a bit leery.
I gave a speech recently and after the clapping and hands waving, a woman stood up and said "but you are so darn happy!" Well, let me say this we do not have to give power to those who try to victimize, we are stronger, we are leaders in our community, friends and mothers and most important as I take this moment to speak for those who have fallen victim, we are women and children. It is true that we cannot alone change the world, I believe together we are an extraordinary group of people who not only can but are making a difference.
I need this time away on the blogging, but I ask you that you review your life and realize that there are options. It is not always so easy, but with faith and love I believe anything is possible. I myself have fallen into a trap believing that there is some fairytale ending in life. No fairytale but as we learn how to deal with stress and reach out to our friends we find that we can rise above. Sharing in our stories brings us a new opportunities and also teaches us there are many ways, not one but many ways to live a happy life.

I love all of you for your support and understanding and for the emails and the kindness that has been shared and a special thank you to Gail for our childhood bonding. Remember we are not defined by the paths in the journey but what we do with what has been attained on the path in the journey.

are equal
to our

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Child Who Would Become a Woman and the Woman who is still...

I shared my "children's blog" with a friend, it's not often that you reveal the layers of your life from childhood to the present. I found it to be some what emotional allowing a person that close to you, inside of you, inside your heart and your mind. I read through some of the diary like post that I had written over the years and it all seem to begin and end with the insight of a ten year old. I am not sure why it was at ten that my memories are so clear. It was a new home, stability, hope and the first step into adulthood. The house bordered a wooded area and I remember that being a retreat through all four seasons. I guess I was a bit of a tomboy and climbing the wild cherry and apple trees and hauling them home for my mother to make pies. In some ways you hold to those good moments to get you through the not so. I don't think our life was in any sense normal and I laugh at the word and my request to the Lord for normal.
The image is clear, I can see my childhood bedroom as if I were sitting in the bedroom right at this moment and gazing out the window. Through the backyard you could see the school right across the street, I only attended that particular school for 6 months. Patriotism, I painted my room in fire engine red and white and blue against the clerk at the stores opposition to it. I remember him saying " no one will be able to paint over those dark bold colors." What was so important about this time period, this age of ten? Time before that is fuzzy and very unclear, almost like still pictures that have yet to be focused in on. I woke early this morning and it was as if I was in that bedroom,it was that clear and my thoughts at that time were as clear to me as my thoughts of today. There was never any doubt in my mind that I grew up in a family who suffered from mental health issues and also that there was is still a stigma attached to it. There are those who will say that those stigmas are no longer there, I beckon to disagree. I have always been a bit prone to want to see changes implemented, those which lean on the prevention side, rather than waiting till a person and a family suffers before stepping forward. I guess that is a bit difficult to recognize the signals and maybe not. There are triggers in life that signal a individuals need for help.
The ten year old part of me is very important because it was at this time I recognized and understood the plight of my parents. Also it was when I declared that I would personally bring an awareness or make a difference in the world. Some dream for a child? but I do believe as I did those many years ago that we can change the way people see and feel and react to stress in their lives.
The keyword that brought the visual back to me was the word "hope" When you are young and through out your young life you maintain that hope as you get older you realize it is not all as easy as that. I have always had this fear of leaning on another person, there is a comfort that comes with that, you would think that comfort is good! I never realized that I had placed a shield around myself, invisible maybe, but it allowed people only so close, before backing away. Do they see me? Do they understand? Afraid yes! Afraid to not be strong, will they or can they make me stronger, can I lean my head upon their shoulder and relax and let my guard down, remove the shield? So many questions that you ask yourself. It is important the friendships we create, the partnerships we form and the journey that awaits us. Crucial is the need to feel that kinship, the acceptance and the walk side by side. Where one cannot only receive the energy but return the love and become a unity which is strengthened, independtly and jointly. Respect and love for one another and a common goal to make the world a better place.
What lesson had growing up in such dysfunction teach? We all see it differently, it affects us all in various ways, for me it was DON'T BREAK THE EGGS! I went through most of life, not breaking the eggs, tippy toeing, analyzing, trying to be perfect in a not perfect world, until I felt that world crumble around me. Be Strong! You are the glue that holds it all together! Am I?

With these hands I form the clay,
and the visual is what will stay.
Hope and faith in a brand new
day and a friendship that grows
along the way.

I am not afraid to hold your hand,
kind and gentle a part of the plan.
The Lord had spoken his words are
true and he redirected the path to you.

Confident in life I stand and rest
assured of the days demands. The
quest through life is to reveal as
surely as to the soul it is to heal.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Control your destiny and free your soul

I have taken the time to read a few of my readers blogs today and I read about those who have felt suffering at the hands or words of others. Big question they asked were they worthy of a better life? An unequivocal yes! We are responsible as we take control of our destiny. Sane or insane? as long as a person doesn't try to hurt themself or another person, it doesn't matter what people think, only what you think. It takes courage to think outside the box, to dare and make changes, to love one self enough that they begin to see the gifts within them.
If you feel uncomfortable about a situation follow your gut instinct. No one deserves to be abused, called names, hit, belittled, pulling hair, pushed, made to feel inferior, less than, etc. We are equal in the sense that we are all given a gift. Who chooses to use them and abuse them is to be seen. The importance is to focus on your internal being and finding that path which leads you down the journey of choice. I believe that people are reaching out for help and help never comes. What it is people need, I think self worth opens doorways leading a person down a path of distinction.
It is wonderful to hear compliments but the greatest compliment is one you can give yourself. Remember that you have taken the first step to seek change, to journey forward. We may never be able to right the wrongs,but we can learn from the mistakes of others to stop the cycle of abuse in our own relationships as well as others.
I look at my own family and I can tell you that each of them has related to a situation differently, doesn't make it right or wrong. All it means is that each of them see and feel differently about what has happen to them,each is stronger and weaker in different ways. Find the strength in your life, in your spirit and allow it to guide you down a new path. It is not right and never can we condone abuse, but we can have the last say. We can make a difference, bring to light the hurt, the scars and the confusion that is so placed upon us. Our journey lays the ground work for a new tomorrow. If one child is spared and one soul freed, it is all worth it.

Friday, March 12, 2010


After I sat down and wrote to the blog, my sister called. We began to talk, she asked " what are you doing?" I told her I was writing on a blog. She said " what about?" Life! She is my eldest sister, there is a tight bond between her and I. She always seem to think she needed to shelter me from everything, from what goes on in life and even threw today. In her eyes no matter how I age, I am her little sister who needs protecting. I read a few of the pieces on the blog. I didn't feel good about it, she is always so strong and she just cried and cried and cried. She said" I didn't know you wrote about that, I didn't know". I told her it's of course my view, how the dysfunction affected me and how I find it to be my release, as if I am " blowing in the wind".
Healing, how we heal, how long it takes to heal, that all varies from individual to individual. How we view the terror in our minds, swallow and digest is also unique to each. Of course I have to remember that my eldest sister was my mother figure and for my sister who passed away the two of them were very close in age and had a completely different bond. For her the death still leaves a sour taste in her mouth, even after all these years. She blames herself for not reacting, fixing it, making it all better, putting a band aid on it all.
It all sheds light on the importance and the results that coming from being either the eldest, the middle child or the baby in a family. I never really gave it much thought but it all does make a difference in what you walk away with. Sis was always the one you leaned on, but she needs someone to lean on. I try to be that person for her, the little sister who has grown up.
I haven't cried in sometime, but the tears are not for me. I cry for Sis because she is in limbo. I sent her a package in the mail with some items that I feel might keep her busy and thus help her to heal.
This is the tricky part with life, the healing process. I had a friend, I guess you can call it a one sided friendship, I needed him and he ended up being a habitual liar. It took me sometime to get over that, but also it taught me how to stand and be accountable for my actions. I mention it only in the fact that it took me years to get over it. Listening, is quite a valuable quality to have, but many of us and I include myself in that fail to listen. Listen when others speak, listen to self,listen to heart and soul. The truth is always there, we just need to listen.
Healing, I don't know if we ever really heal. I know that over the years the blows are softened. It is not about forgetting because our experiences become a part of who we are. The healing process includes both the good and bad that we trail along on. There are a few things we can do to speed up the process, keeping our minds busy, helping those who have not found the courage to help them self and realizing that what happen, though as bad as it may seem is a part of life and the journey.
Why do bad things happen to good people? That is a very important question! I am not sure there is real good answer for that, wrong place, wrong time, there are many reasons we end up in our own little corner of our world. People like to point fingers, but I believe everyone is capable and more importantly able to find the healing process that will work for them. Have faith, think, react, seek, the goodness within your self. I believe everything and anything is possible, love is pure and un-adulterer and it is our first tool that we given which helps in the healing process.
Children are victims, they are the simplicity of life, they lean upon us for lessons of life, to learn, to speak, to find their place in the world. We can make a difference in the world if we look at this beautiful resource, our children. Stopping the cycle is not always easy, but it is possible. Give the children in your world a chance, give to your local boys clubs and children's clubs, volunteer with the children's organizations. Sometimes it's the only good memories some of these children will ever have.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Have Faith...

It is not like I am afraid to give my name or that I am embarrassed or ashamed. The parts of my life include many other people and I didn't feel it was quite right to at this time bring to light all of my family, due to respect for them. I choose to write because at times I find it theraputic and also to let others know they are not alone. I have spoken locally and still speak when requested, but this forum was not meant to bring attention to me, but to educate and hopefully lead people to the professionals who can help.
It was odd my first instinct when asked what was my name, to hide and if small enought to fit under a big rock, I would have. If anyone is truly interested or would need further information or guidance, I will glady help them in finding or seeking the proper channels in which they can reach out. Anyone who wishes to email in private can email me at autumn_g2000@yahoo.com

Thanks to all who continue to stop by and find some merit in my writing.

When I was a very young child I believe that there couldn't possibly be a God or he would not have let bad things happen to good people. That is a pretty common thought and very shallow when it comes to faith. I do believe we journey for a reason and that the gift to communicate to others is a part of my journey. I do this on many levels, both in my local community and on a national level. There are those who like to keep their hands clean in helping people by raising funds for awareness and help and that is wonderful as well. But I truly believe that to reach people and to give people alternatives is as important as the shelters, the schools and the organizations that are out there. God is love and to see it any other way is the frightening reality of our world. If everyone dare to keep the faith and the love within them and allow that to guide them, we will see that the world morph into a better place.

It is not so important who I am nor is it as important who speaks for those who cannot. What is crucial is that people understand that their are options,that we are human and there is no one right way. As common as the experiences seem to be from one victim to another, each is still very unique to the heart and soul of each person. Please remember that education and experience is so important to bringing and end to the evils of abuse.