Friday, July 25, 2008

I am frightened of my thoughts and I can't see beyond the darkness.

Somethings We Never Forget, nor should we!!!

It was the first year of marriage not even six months into it and I knew the difference between right and wrong. It had already lacked the first foundation blocks of respect. From waking him up in the morning for work and running to lock myself in the bathroom so he wouldn't pull my hair and punch. His excuse was that he was overly tired. There were other red flags that continued to show themselves. I wanted out, I didn't want to try and figure it out, I didn't want to continue on a path that I had already been born into.
I remember the day clearly, I said we need to talk, my first words to him were, this is not how I expected marriage, I think we need to call it quits before we go any further. It's not about love I said, it is about right and wrong. A different man stood before me, his features changing. He pulled my hair and pushed my face close to him, tears streamed down his eyes, and slowly he repeated the words " no one makes a fool of me, not even you, you are going nowhere!!! alive that is. " That was the very first set of invisible bars that were placed in front of me. The bars of fear, standing on the platform of Pity. He did make an effort, to some degree anyway, to change. The next year we rarely saw each other, I worked full time, he worked full time.
It would have been the second anniversary that I would remember the first time, he would hit hard enough to draw blood. I now understand more about abuse and the stages of violence to the honeymoon phase, and how it all plays on your emotions and consciousness. I would have to say that there was fear in staying and a fear in leaving, the Jekyll and Hyde personalities are complicated to deal with. Somehow they are able to convince you, that your the one at fault.
To a certain degree the more you allow, the more doors of disrespect you open, as physical abuse was limited, "as I told him never again will you touch me, do you hear me?? "This is where control became much more an issue, limiting contact with other people, and verbal abuse, both which eat away at the soul.
Why we do what we do, societal view of failure, the you made your bed, you lie in it philosophy, she must have deserved it mentality, ignorance, pride, insecurity, but definetly not stupid.
It is for Jessie who I write this, her husband sits in prison for beating her, she hides in fear for the day he is released. She has these big beautiful gray eyes and warm smile and she definetly does not deserve all that she has been going through. Because of the courts and her two children, she will never completely be able to go into hiding, as believe it or not, despite his extreme violence he still has rights as their father. My heart breaks for that which I can do so little about, other then to raise consciousness, that no human being deserves to be treated with so little respect for life.
The fuzzy shades of right and wrong cross cultural barriers, but whether it be intimidation, verbal abuse, or physical violence, no one!!! not child, nor man or woman, deserve to be treated in away that strikes out with fear on the heart and soul or physical being. So for all the Jessie's in the world, who have found the courage to stand up and fight back through the system, may the system not abandon them.
It isn't easy to reach out and help those in need, but it can be done. I was walking home from work it was starting to get a little gray and a man and woman seem to be in their late 20's were physically struggling. No one seem to be around, let her go!, he burst out in anger, " mind my own business. " I said let her go or I am calling the police. He released her for a moment and she ran up to main street. Was I frightened of interfering in a situation I was uncomfortable with? Yes, but I would have been more upset had I not intervened. How many times do we close our eyes as to not be involved? How many times do we turn our head? How many times do we say they deserve what is coming to them? How many times do we say it won't happen to us? How many times do we stereo type? How many times will the cyle of abuse carry over? How many must die,before as a whole we really care?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Children learn what they live

The influence of the nesting years will last a lifetime. We hold the keys that will mold future generations. The good and bad is of our own making and it is up to us to accept our responsibility for rewriting tomorrow. Everyone comes with a level of potential to give back positively to society. What role we play in it rises from the nurture factor, we have the ability to spiritually manipulate hearts, transforming an individual. The platform of life that is built strong and adhered with love, brings stability, with stability all is possible to achieve.


Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism,he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear,he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with pity,he learns to feel sorry for himself.
If a child lives with ridicule,he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy,he learns what envy is.
If a child lives with shame,he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement,he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with tolerance,he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with praise,he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance,he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval,he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition,he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing,he learns about generosity.
If a child lives with honesty and fairness,he learns what truth and justice are.
If a child lives with security,he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.
If a child lives with friendliness,he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.
If you live with serenity,your child will live with peace of mind.

With what is your child living?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


It wasn't until I found myself stumbling that I understood her fall, grasped aimlessly that I sensed her struggles and listened to the silence that I acknowledged her cries. Only a fool sits in judgement when the walls of circumstance are layered so heavy that people from outside can't see in and the people on the inside can't see out.

Monday, June 9, 2008

There is a way out

I find it to be a most frightening realization that the mind is capable of harboring both positive and negative emotions. How many of us have not heard of Jekyll and Hyde? I believe that we are all made of a variety of personalities that is our survival mechanism that allows us to surface through all situations. Unfortunately the mind does go a rye and becomes out of control and there we see that people do have fertile soil of the mind which is capable of growing evil. I find it difficult to understand how love and hatred can grow in the same soil, yet it does and often, one strangles out the other to be the dominate of personalities.
I have always looked at it as the calm before a storm, I found more fear in the positive, loving friendly personality, knowing that at anytime he could change and it was possible that something would set him off. I remember a friend who took one look in his eyes and said he has the eyes of the devil. I do believe that there are powers and sources stronger then we and that evil and good do battle. The army of both good and evil recruit daily to strengthen their hold.
I had looked at this from many levels and wondered exactly what what missing in a personality that was quick to jump to the side of evil. I tried not to dwell, but I must say every time he was close to me, I knew what he was capable of something violent. Some of the memories were animalistic, you teach children not to bite and yet you confront a adult battling and using such a vicious technique to battle. The closer he came to me, the more I feared. I tend to believe it's the extremes that are difficult reminders of what a human is capable of.
One story to many of hostile behavior, destruction and violence, all I can really say is evil does have a foot hold in our community. We can have millions that are law biding, well adjusted individuals but it takes just one to disrupt a whole community. Dwelling on it took me to another level to the seed of evil and how it gets it foot hold in the first place. Then I had to look at the mass of people and realize that IQ, mentality, upbringing and lack of upbringing all played a part on who people are and how they react under stress.
The memories fade but at times I find them surfacing, I laid still in the night and thoughts creeped into all corners of my mind and I imagined all the windows in the house bursting out and shattering at the same time, It was my minds call for help. Help! I said Help!
It is the calm right now, I have been here before, I recognize the pattern that I allow myself to be caught up in. What awaits me, how do I handle it? Maybe I am wrong I tell myself, maybe this time is different, could it be I am just overreacting. Trust yourself, trust instinct, dysfunction is apparent and it frightens me.
I have made changes to control the situations, I had the hand gun dismantled so it no longer could fire, that brought a certain amount of peace to my mind. I also know when hatred is raging that it can carry out its evil in many ways. I wanted to let it all go and to believe I was wrong and that he had changed. My mind flashed back to that moment where he held that loaded gun, ah in the name of love, I can' t live with out you. I was so frightened, he took a beautiful place and introduced it to hell. My eyes swell, but no tears fall. I am stronger and smarter, there is away out and I will not allow senseless emotion to guide me into the arms of evil.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

If I don't win and he does, I die.
I have felt a part of me has been dead for many years.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Is it rape or sex between marital couples?

Childhood survivors surfacing as adults and how this plays out in the choices of life. I do believe those who have lived with abuse tend to as adults sway to one side or another, to the extreme. They either do everything in their power to prevent a violent episode or they themselves become an abuser. Due to the fact that children do grow up, I find this topic to be important in the journey of self awareness.

It wasn't unusual for him to come home from work at 2 am, I could hear the door open and close but I am so tired, to tired to fully wake up. The children were sick and I finally after hours of cradling them managed to get them to sleep. Days with out sleep my self I felt extremely exhausted. I know his presence is in the room, working a hard labor job and not showering for days on end, I could smell his body odor, a stench and sweat that turns the stomach.
He climbs into bed and reaches to pull me over," not to night I said, I don't feel so well and I haven't seen sleep in days. "Between his body odor and the filth on his clothes the stench becomes overwhelming " He pulls my hair as he places demands upon me for sex and I no longer can hear the words that come from his mouth, none of them seem to have any impact on the next 30 minutes or more. I am so tired and barely able to free myself from him. I struggle, the more I struggle the more I feel him pin my wrist to the bed, his body forcing, his hold on me tightening. I kick he gets even more angry, please not tonight, I have been up for days with the children. I can't see, my eyes unable to focus " I repeat no no!, please, I see three of you!" Coyly he said " aim for the one in the middle. " As tired as I was my stomach in knots and my head throbbing I found that I was instinctively battling him, no !no !I really can't, I am tired and I feel so sick I repeat. His body forcing and I am kicking him off me time after time. After hours of what he felt was foreplay I lay there tears rolling down my face and allow him to finish. He laughs, he just laughs, I can still hear his laughter he said " I knew you wanted it.
Time after time he repeated the very same episodes, more force and more force, he said" if a man doesn't get sex when he wants it no point in being married and a woman doesn't say no to her husband"
Property or partner? I find it hard to believe that this meeting of the body has anything to do with a partnership. Again the scenario repeats itself , I have a fever temp. over a 104 my body in chills, I feel so weak, I have an infection and I can't stand up, you don't need to stand up he said. I think I need to get to a hospital , he just seem to ignore my need for help as if there was nothing wrong with me, like it was all in my head, women don't get sick. This didn't seem to distant him, a high sexual energy he demanded sex often and that could occur sometimes twice a day. This time there was no battle I couldn't fight, I couldn't struggle. I just laid there as he repeated "yes you really are hot! he said, that's the best sex I ever had." Sex! that was about the most accurate word I had heard not love making but a sexual act. Does this act borderline rape or is it indeed a fact rape or he yet a mans right to his partner?
Many small children, no family and feeling helpless, there was no where to run. I can remember placing the children on the bus and the five of us just circling over and over the same city stops. After years of similar situations, I soon learned to not battle to not give him the fight he so desired. With his request for sex no matter how ill, or how weak I started to except what he considered my role in a marriage and I just lay there, without movement and not speaking a word, I allow him to use my body like an object. His verbal abuse now like daggers "having sex with you is like f**king a mute, I trained you to be a whore he said remember that you are only my whore."
Over the years I felt a curtain ,dark and heavy surround me as the curtain began to lift and I clearly began to gain strength to remove myself from the situation, I then found him like a revolving door his personality changing and he begins to cater to get me into his good graces, a vicious cycle and then I find myself again pregnant and unable to cope, both physically and mentally.
Is some of it cultural do women fear to tell because of their obligation to the marriage and to the children? Do women except this role out of fear or out of ignorance?

The legal definition varies within the United States, marital rape can be defined as any
unwanted intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal,or oral) obtained by force, threat of force, or when the wife is unable to consent (Bergen, 1996;Pagelow, 1984; Russell, 1990). Most studies of marital rape have included couples who are legally married, separated, divorced or cohabiting.
It wasn't until the 1970's society began to acknowledge rape in a marriage and a woman's right to say no. We do know everything about intimate violence as we would like but we are aware that it is a act of aggression and power of one partner upon the other.

Marital rape occurs in all types of marriages regardless of age, social class, race or ethnicity.
In the largest study, Russell (1990) found that women were raped by their partners at a variety of ages; however, almost two-thirds of the wives were first raped by their husbands when they were under the age of 25.

Rape in marriage is an act of violence - an abuse of power by which a husband attempts to establish dominance and control over his wife. Husband-rapist are often men portrayed as
jealous men who find power in dominating their " property" they feel an entitlement that marriage gives them the license to do with what they want.

After many years I have no physical wounds to display, to the outer community there is no signs of gray or bruising. But inside my heart bleeds and my soul felt the abuse of both his verbal and physical memory.

" Sleeping with the Enemy" introduces us to fear, shame and embarrassment and a wound forced to remain open as it continuously lacerated. If nothing else here is a blatant example of lack of respect to another human being and if nothing else we all deserve to be respected.

I felt a need to speak about this so as that I may remove the chains and free my soul.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

What is the best decision to stay because of
the children or to leave because of the children?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It is so difficult because I love him...

Monday, April 21, 2008


We are our own worst enemy

Speaking with my elder sister, I found her pain, her disappointment and I found that her anger had her on the path of revenge. Is she revenging a wrong or is her resentment getting the better of her spirit? Let it go I said, the sooner you quit punishing your self, the sooner you will heal. She said I have to do it, I have them make them pay.
Something horrible is brewing within in the family, the vengeance in which she is planning on taking will do nothing but disrupt every one's life. My first thoughts are why is she doing this? It's much like misdirected anger, I find she wants to inflict a punishment on family members who indeed crossed the path of injustice. I asked her what will come of it, what do you think you will gain by allowing anger and hatred a place in your heart and soul? Revenge she said, they will pay it is my revenge.
I felt troubled at her words, I felt as if she was taking advantage of a mental health issue of someone who is now gone. So if your not helping yourself and your not helping the person who was desperately in need, then who are you hurting? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to wish it all away. The turmoil within me is cautious as if there maybe truth to what she says, will she be stopping another hell from happening or encouraging another chapter that consist of page after page of the unthinkable.
I gave it some thought she is talking murder and health issues, if there is truth who will suffer next from the hands of evil and if there is no truth to her accusations, how many family's will suffer from such direct vengeance?
The negativity of the last few weeks is overwhelming and it drains the spirit. Part of me doesn't want the horror to come out. If a person speaks many times the same story, does the story to them gain some measure of reality for them? I see a family drowning with no help to be found, surely they will be there own demise.
Truly it is becoming a horror flick in the making. Where does vengeance fit in, with those who need mental help. With many people independtly giving me their side of the story, I view many beginnings and many endings to the hell that waits.
Nothing good will come of this so revenge, only pain, hatred and evil.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Change and the threat of change does not equate with control,
only fear of the unknown can place such restraints on the soul.


Sometimes the only clear cut way of removing yourself from the negativity is to get as far away as possible. Running away does not always include physically extracting self from the situation, I am speaking of more of an emotional separation. It does seem that certain personalities are more capable of achieving this ability to cross barriers.
A look back in history provides us with an account of those who survived war, prisoner of war, Holocaust and many catastrophic situations. There are several factors involved one is I believe people are chosen to record the experiences in hopes that we might prevent them such pain of humanity from reoccurring.Only through the written word can we explore the negative side of humans to rise above with positive answers. I also believe that in knowlege comes answers and with these answers we can prevent to occurence of human failure.
There are many who don't fair as well and the nightmare follows them to their death. In the great scheme of things we see how vulnerable we really are and hopefully we can overcome the weakness that has become a part of our being. Universally we are a huge puzzle and there are those who spend their life looking for the pieces to the puzzle.
The mind is a great combination lock and we have to continue to try new ways to open it and explore the depth that memory and experience play on adult life.
We are all survivors in one way or another, everyone has at had atleast one negative experience in their life that they had to rise above. There are many ways to strengthen self some look to the Lord, to nature, friendships, medical assoc, etc in hopes of healing and moving past life and death.

The bitterness of life need not remain,
hopefully it makes the sweetness in life
that much more sweeter.

Rejoice in life,
we only get one time around in this body.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Rural Folks

I felt extremely emotional, after watching the funeral of the peterson from the fire in Brockway Pennsylvania and reading the comments of Barack Obama, I didn't feel bitter I felt sick. Generalizing a group of people felt like being on the end of reversal discrimination. Rural folks don't turn to guns and to religion, there faith is instilled in them and a huge part of who they are, their beliefs are not to be ridiculed. In Pennsylvania rural folks turn to the voting machines, be sure of that. Guns no matter what side of the fence your on guns are part of the America at large, but I have to inform the Senator the guns killing on a daily basis are not hunters in the woods but hunters of every racial and ethnic background in the cities across our great country.

Rural folks the backbone of America!

How many need to die to keep the wealthy even wealthier.

At one point I thought I would just discontinue writing, that very little difference could be or would be made in a community where the wealthiest of people will never quite understand or care. The Economy is worse then it has been in my lifetime and we don't need a economist to tell us any different. Gas prices are outrageous and a necessity especially for those living in rural areas. The trickle down is showing the increase is expanding to all of our household goods from foods to cleaning supplies.There are many things people do to save a dollar, cut meals, eliminate outings and practice unsafe heating of homes.
I believe the heavy of this does way on our political forum, it tends to cater to what draws attention or votes or both. It wasn't long ago that they broke up ma bell for being a monopoly, yet they have done nothing to alter companies who are taking advantage of the necessities people need to survive.
As much as I didn't want to have touch on this topic again, I have no choice but to try raise consciousness. I had received several calls and letters asking can they turn off our gas if we have young children in the house, are we safe this time of year. I can't pay by bills, I am already holding down 3 minimum wage jobs. The stories ongoing, I look at this as a crisis that hasn't been seen since the great depression. I call it a bit of history repeating itself, a step back into the Mc Carthy Era. There has become a steady increase from those who have and the have nots. For all those who have not read nor lived when people gave there lives for the union, will fail to see what a good union stood for, equality, a fairness for all. You cannot rid life of the problems unless you start with one and work your way up.
We cannot instill morals in a pill, it is a life learning process and the break down of our system that has weakened a social bond. The bottom line is everything is about money, the profit margin, stock holders etc. Unfortunately the middle class are suffering right along side the low income, in an emergency pull your own retirement funds only to be penalized, tax upon tax of your own money. Only those capable of hiring a good attorney seem to be able to bend the rules.
I can' t tell you how many families have lost members due to fires, since I posted the local family within miles of my own home. Many People have resorted back to wood and coal and electric space heaters and still others who are using furnaces can hardly afford the up keep to maintain a safe heating device.
The lowest of income can receive grants but even that goes so far in helping with the high rate of energy bills and the middle income are receiving very little if any help. When more then half of a working families income is going to fuel bills, how are they to sustain a healthy surrounding for their children. Who will halt the greed, who will care about the innocent who are to care for the children who can't for themselves.
This is a direct comment from my local politician, she runs a Dental practice in town and is also on the local council. When speaking of the plight of local transportation problems, her response was that she was aware that it was a problem but they made a choice to live here in a rural area.
Some made choices others have had the land passed down from one generation to the next, true they choose to make rural America their home but they didn't choose to be slighted by the government as this is one of the few counties with out public transportation, they didn't choose illness, they didn't choose to lose their jobs.
Many will commute hundreds of miles for the minimum of wage that barely covers expenses. Others will try and live off the land and many will suffer, especially the children.
In eastern Pennsylvania another family has suffered from a fire, though they have not said what is the cause of the fire only that ten people were trapped and killed and two managed to escape early Thursday from a house engulfed by flames near Brockway, a town of about 2,000 people situated about 80 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. The gas was shut off since 2005 and they were using space heaters to heat the house.
Unfortunately there are so many more of these stories just waiting to happen children keeping warm by unsafe electrical appliances. Maybe the fuel company thinks that these people are expendable, maybe these fuel companies believe they are God and can keep necessities away from those who need it. These fuel companies care very little about extending help, they are turning away money because the payments aren't as much as they want to recieve, greed they want and mroe, it seems they prefer to shut off gas to peoples home rather then help them.
I don't necessary want to signal out companies, but I know for a fact that that their stock holders are not doing without, who suffers? society suffers, children suffer and the world who will never get to know the children they suffer.

I believe whole heartily that our country is desperately over looking the working poor. I am not sure this presidential election will make any difference, as it will be much of the same. People who can't even relate to what is really going on around them, it as if they want to breed a separation of the classes.

What can we do? Write to our politicians let them know without change they won't recieve our votes, write to our fuel companies the puc and anyone who will listen. I find this appalling and to close to home to ignore

My prayers go out to the family and survivors. Anyone who cares to follow up on the story can view it at

Standing alone we are one in the wind, together we are a wall that cannot be bulldozed down, stand strong stand together, allow your voice to be heard. The tears of many children depend on us.
May God help those who can't help themself.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Understanding is not accepting

Every adult retains the memories of their youth, it is through this kaleidoscope of events that we see the formation of thought. The process creates our internal response to current situations. So heavily weighs our former experiences that when we reach out in time of crisis it is from our first lessons in life that we pull information or answers to work through a moment in time. Of course we do not stop growing and learning therefore we can alter negative experiences with more positive ones. In reality we are a canvas and it is possible to repaint the canvas many times over, in doing so we do not look to perfect life, but the create a new experience.

Why is it that one can feel so lost in territory they have traveled on a regular basis? I have asked this question of myself many of times. I have been here before then why do I sense such fear? The surroundings may be familiar but the situation that rises up from it, has slight bit difference to it. I feel the daggers of judgement in the words of others, common is the practice to expect others to act or behave in a manner consistent with their own actions. As if condemning another condones their own choice or lack of choice.

In the battle between self and our own inner demon, one can only look inward and react accordingly. Questions we must ask our self, what is it we want? what is it we deserve? and again how can we reach out and respond to the task of achieving our own goals? Each persons wants and desires are very different and only through honest searching of the soul can we find where our wants shall lead us. We are deserving of what all humans are deserving of, the right to explore and experience life. Goals should be attainable, one hour, one day, one lifetime.

I have not felt the fear for sometime, somehow I have been able to release it from my cache of thought. In my outreach to gain a better understanding of myself, I have found that we hand over the scepter to the captors and through a period of growth we take back the control of our own being.

In any abusive or dysfunctional family the major goal is to break the cycle to not pass the pain and experience on to others members of the family. It is possible to break the chains that lock the past to the present. One must first believe they can and through the exploration of self improvement become enriched by the trials of the past and not held down by them. We do this by removing from our shoulders the weight of guilt.

In each adult lives a child, in each child grows and adult, it is alright to allow emotion to remind us of the paths we have already traveled but more importantly to be able to see the options in the roads ahead. Choices have always been there for us, we just need to know when and where to reach out and make them.

Everyday we would drive through town and we would complain to one another that the speed limit was higher then it needed to be with so many children walking to school. It wasn't until a little girl was hit by a pick up truck walking to school that everyone demanded something be done. This is how life is, it's not until something touches or creates an impact in our life, that we then decide to react. Almost as if we don't see the choices before us until we see the outcome. That is very unfortunate for the many who stand to be a victim to the error of our ways.

It has been said "we learn from out mistakes" hopefully we grow from them as well.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Everything comes with consequences

There are many factors that come into play, thus creating the great sacrifice. In the larger picture it is not always about self, as there are contributing factors to every decision. Creating a house of cards, it takes the slightest movement and quickly they all fall down. We don't invest in the future to watch the great collapse, unfortunately it is our vulnerabilities that occur throughout our life that create the greatest of test. It's as the the children's story the three pigs, have we built a solid foundation of straw, sticks or brick?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


You hear it all the time from every one in every walk of life,standing on the podium of life to preach peace. It is not enough to preach peace, one must live peace. Example is the greatest teacher. The adage "don't do as I do, do as I say" sets us up for failure, for it is the ultimate weakness, " not I" In these last couple of weeks I have felt the kindness of strangers and have seen how "actions do speak louder then words. "

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Indeed it is

Everything is relative!
- Will G. Miller
The dictionary defines relative as existing or having its specific nature only by relation to something else; not absolute or independent: Happiness is relative.
When your body is hotter than the water, you might say the water is cold, when your body is cooler than the water you might say the water feels hot. Is the water hot or cold? The temperature of the water never changes, the circumstances surrounding the touching of the water does.

I shall not run, nor escape for I am free

This is not directed at the victim but those who are likely to victimize. What initially causes one to lose ground with reality varies like everything in life many instigative factors. It is the limited thought process which cannot or will not accept the "what is". What are the solutions in controlling ones own outburst? First one must seek change, be willing to be better, expect better and fully respect those around us, it does not necessary mean we have to like everything we see but we must release ourselves from resentment and placing the ultimate label of blame.
We have heard that " Patience is a virtue" some of us instilled with more patience then others.
Most domestic abuse situations arise from the destructive pattern called anger. It is very own inner demons that impels us to release negativity upon those closest to us. What are the factors involved that hit the red button leading to violence. Each person needs to self analyze their actions, is alcohol and drugs contributing factors? or is the focusing of one's own failures that has us seeking to place blame by thus punishing and victimizing the innocent.
It has been said that we can only get help if we seek help and the first step is admitting the need for help. There needs to be no religious ties to accomplish meeting with your own spiritual goals.
By mere acceptance one can improve a situation to become fully enlighten enough to grow, heal and place and end to violence in their own world.
Acceptance of self, those around us and present situations is the key to an inner peace, how, when and why we experience anger is simply tied to our lack of acceptance.

ANGER a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; what wrong can be done to abuse a innocent human being? None that I know of!

My drive in writing this comes about by one too many people who point fingers, judge and ridicule the victim. Let's make it clear, no one desires to be in an abusive situation, no one deserves to be in an abusive situation. There is an old adage that I have repeated many times " treat those as you wish to be treated" I find it appalling that there are many people out there who want to put the added pressure on the victim, as if they are responsible
for another persons lack of control, alcohol issues, drug abuse. Let us remember that we are responsible for oneself and we cannot make the decisions to improve or seek help.
In a high majority of cases it is the woman and children who suffer at the hands of violence, but I am not sexist as I know clearly that anyone can become a victim of violence.

Are there things we can do with out seeking professional help? this also depends on how much you want to improve your present situation and create a peaceful atmosphere. Yes there are steps that can be taken to combat violent outburst.

First we need to Identify with what causes the outburst to occur. Let's start with 3 important and most common, personal suffering, disappointment and financial hardship. Identifying we have a problem is the first step in seeking a solution, practicing patience is the second step in that when we feel anger rise , we can choose to walk away from situation, we can cleanse our mind by inserting good thoughts, we can liberate our spirit by allowing peace to replace dysfunction. There are many coping skills that are developed to redierct anger and prevent violence from ever occuring in the first place.

I am not by brothers keeper nor I shall take responsibility for his ill will.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Love yourself enough to stand tall....

I just read a post that said if you just love yourself enough you won’t find yourself in an abusive situation, at least that is the message I received. I was instantly offended as I found that statement to place blame on the victim. If the victim loved them self better, if they were smarter, stronger. “If” is such a big word for someone to place on another. This again is placing a stereotype on who becomes a victim. One of my goals in life was to strip away stereotypes and labels. It is your basic cause and effect, but that is all that is simple about abuse. Adults or children It doesn’t matter, abuse is a sickness and those caught up in the sickness, struggle to keep afloat. I will say it again, abuse has no boundaries, and it knows not race, financial status nor intelligence. It happens to people in all brackets of life; it is well hidden and is likely
the skeletons in the closet. The victim should not be labeled and enabler, fear is a very
strong weapon and very real.

“The limit of your self abuse is the limit you will tolerate from other people. If someone abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you walk away, you run, you escape” - Don Miguel Ruiz

I do not believe a person needs to walk away, run away or escape. What we should be directing this to is the people who need anger management or to get counseling for their psychological problems. Should we leave behind friends and family, our home and our life, because someone doesn't seek help. I believe it is a sin that any human being has to run or hide. Help should not come with a stigma and why must it be the victim who seeks help.
Those who direct anger at another person is gutless and doesn't love himor herself.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

I find that people would rather believe a lie then the truth when confronted with human failure. It is the core of our being that provides the blue print to a long list of vulnerabilities. If we choose to repeat the same mistakes as history has already documented we will systematically continue on a path of power and greed.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Gene Selection

Genetic selection, what movies are made of or is it? Scientific testing has encoded the differences of DNA sequences, providing us with unique genetic maps. In genetic therapy diseases are treated by altering or replacing a defective gene. It is possible that genetic selection or genetic therapy can directly effect the future way we diagnose and treat physical and mental illness.
It is evident that there is a genetic predisposition towards violence in many individuals, if we eliminate the gene for violence can we alter the world as we know it and can we finally view a Utopia?
It has been said that there is a fine line between a genus and a insane person, would suppressing a gene also suppress creativity and intelligence? Or is it possible to eliminate the negativity without effecting individual character. There is quite a bit of research that needs to be done be for implementing changes in individuals. Yet there is concern to the misuse and abuse of such futuristic abilities. Are we using our new knowledge to prevent or to control and who decides what is acceptable?
Some say that it would be playing God, but I believe we are given the intelligence to assure that human life continues without destructive behavior. It takes one look on a clear night at the many galaxies above us to realize we have done so little to assure our place in this vast space. We are responsible to explore all the possibilities and stand united to bring peace to an unsettling world. We have a magnitude of wealth and intelligence when we decide to unite with out greed then we will explore beyond the imagination.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Albert Einstein

"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - -- Albert Einstein

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Michael Tatalovich

Visnansky chose to end the life of Michael tatalovich a student at Robert Morris Unniversity, but this is not a mourning of his death but a celebration of his life. Michael could have been yours my son, he had dreams and goals much like our own youth. He has four sibilings who will remember him with love and warmth and reach out to him beyond the realm of our earthly spirit. Known by those who came in contact with him that he was bright and kind and his memories of warmth will dance in the nightly stars.
Michael did make a difference in this world, and in everyone who he had touched. His life on earth has been shortened by an untimely death but his memory lives on,rejoice and allow it to guide you in a positive manner.

I believe we need to look more at who the victims are in this cruel world. I was asked once by a woman who was fighting for a man on death row. He has rights she said, he has human rights. No one who violates the human law and chooses to kill in such violent ways has any rights they have been stripped. She said could you pull the switch on a man sitting on death row? I said your damn straight I could and I would look him in the eye while I was doing it. We need to look at the rights of honest good and hardworking citizens, the forgotten middle class who keep the wealthy rich and the poor fed.
Human rights is the reward for those abide by the law.
Tears are of those memories that will never be made,
for someone chose to end a life.


A blogger asked if I would define heartbreak. The dictionary defines heartbreak as an overwhelming sorrow or grief. It is the shattering of a heart that finds it difficult to put the pieces back together.
I have written many times that there is no greater heartbreak then a parent living to view and feel the death of a child. We can experience many strong emotions dealing with death, those that come from meaningless violence seems to be the most difficult to deal with. The violent crime is almost become common place, as we hear on a daily basis of those killed at the hands of what appear to be the average person. That is until we begin to peel away the layers of of the outer shell to view the inner workings of being human.
The list is long we have Robert Morris University students gunned down, Illinois Univeristy, Virgina, councel meetings shopping malls and clothing stores, fast food eating places, post offices, etc. It appears unless we barricade ourselves we are all likely to know or be the next victim.
The page is not long enough to try and bring some justice to the innocent people that have been murdered.
Heartbreak, we will all experience it at one time or another and it will likely be from a loss of a loved one, in one form or another whether that be a divorce, death, break-up or illness. Such heartbreak never really heals, time may buffer it but the loss will remain with a person for as long as they live.
All we can do is pay tribute to those who have shined like a star in the night for a short period of time and have given the gift of love in one way or another. So much attention is placed on those ill minded people who are destructive to self and others, and so little given to the those who have brought beauty into the world. So each week I will place a post of one person who has brought joy into the world of those that knew them.


There is no job that could be more difficult or rewarding as parenting. It is a lifelong career that does not ask for a resume of qualifications. If it did how many of us would truly get the job?

Parents playing Favorites

This recently came up in conversation, the topic of parents playing favorites. You don't have to be from a dysfunctional family to see that favoritism exists in many families. Thus the creation of sybling rivarly is born. Many parents will say they didn't favor one child over another, but the children grow up seeing it differently. Does is exist and to what to degree? Yes it does and the degree of favoritism varies.
It wasn't until my eldest sybling said to me you can do no wrong, you were always daddies favorite, the goody two shoes, that it occured to me that grown adults still rival for the parents attention. Was I favored? The answer to that is yes, I obviously saw my father in a different light then my brother and sisters did. Mostly I think we tend to take on different personalities, I remember becoming the pleaser and sometimes it is for the completely wrong reasons. I surely wasn't blind and I know I didn't want beat, so in a sense you succumb. I think it was more then that, might have to do with bonding and personality. If you break down each child in the family you see that they all have weaknesses and strengths. Dysfunctional does not mean stupid or ignorant, abusers are often very intelligent people. The child who stands to confront it many times feels the anger and falls victim easier. I cannot actually say what went on in my fathers mind, but the truth is he never laid a hand on me and yet I have seen the monster side of him. How could he have two complete sides, did he love one child more or less? Without actually speaking to him on the subject we will never really know. But this I am sure of he saw me as fragile and weak and the words as such flowed off his tongue. So in protecting what he felt was the weak child, was keeping his dirty little secrets well hidden.
Asking parents if they felt they favored, they said overwhelming no. They felt as if they were giving recognition to the child who did his chores, gave less back talk and succeeded in one way or another. This maybe true in some families but it is obvious that favoritism does exist and can does create self doubt in young people and adults. Do we try to become over achievers to in our search for attention or it is the opposite and rebellion shows its ugly head. Psychologically it becomes a viscious cycle as those who are reward for good behavior gain a certain amount of respect and the child that might have failed once will fight their whole life to try and live down the negative labeling.
Sometimes more then enough it is interpetation of an event that leads one to believe it is favoritism when actually it is parents making decisions right or wrong for that particular time. In preventing sibling rivalry a parent must adhere to a few rules.
1. Do not compare one child to another.
2. Communication ,if a decision is made provide a clear answer to why.
3. Provide more family time
4. Look for the positive in each child.
5. Realize that all children are different and respect the difference
6. Jealousy is a natural emotion, which can be lessoned with number 2 communication
7. A parents job is to nurture.

The most important part of a childs life is the caregiver, how we respond, to both the postitive and negative in a childs life will guide them in their adult lives.

We find that sports coaches and teachers, employers and many others are accused of favoriting one person over another. Ask yourself before placing fault or condemning, does the claim have any merit.

The squeaky wheel may get the oil, but we have to becareful if we want that oil or not.

Friday, February 15, 2008

When the monster becomes human

Everyone wants answers for the rash of mass killings on innocent bystanders both in council meetings, shoppers, student and educators. Have we become a product of our enviroment? The more you look for answers the deeper you must dig into what we consider exceptable.
When I was small we use to have a saturday night tv show and it was about scary monsters, we didn't relate to the characters because they were obviously very fictional, yet frightening just the same. I would sit next to my elder brother and close my eyes and say "wake me up when its over." As a parent you have to be concerned with what your children are experiencing, the movies are no longer werewolves and frankenstein, they are realistic and as common looking as the neighbor next door. It has been explored that violence in this nature numbs a person and that they become almost immune to the visuals. Three movies over the last few years have I walked out on, all of them were because they had unecessary violent scenes which I did not care to view.
There is no doubt in my mind that we have a break down in our moral values. Vulgarity has become exceptable, violence necessary for a movie to get the ratings, sexuality and the marketing of our youth and exploitation in every form possible. Drugs prevalent and exceptable
are seen in the music industry, our schools, theater, parks.
In a small town drugs and parpha. were found in the local park, instead of removing the drug dealers they closed the park to the children and shut down summer park programs. As much as we want the government to stand up and do their part to combat drugs and violence, it our responsiblity as parents and neighbors that must look at the apples that are falling from our own trees.
It is true that we cannot go back in time and we cannot erase the present, this means we must build on the future. It is said that we are a me centered community, putting self before the needs of our children. What changes can we implement for the future, create more walls, build more security devices, home school our children, hide, pretend it will not happen to us?
There is no one answer, everyone must do their part to see changes in the future, doctors, teachers, students, parents, goverment, media, musicians, artist, theater,etc. We all must be responsible to create a change that will bring a form of peace to the world.

The war the we are losing is in the loss of our young to an ever changing world.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The Blame Game

Memories over the last thirty five years flooded heavily, so much so that I found myself for more then a brief period of time wallowing in them. What was the purpose of this review of the past and why had it over shadowed the day? I first looked at my current position in life, where I was at this very moment and then saw the effects like dominoes each vision becoming a red flag signaling a warming sign. I thought I might be ready to share my story of the prison walls, mortared with insecurities,,circumstances and the czar ruler who helped to form the barriers brick by brick. Then as I excepted my responsiblity in it all, and the choices I had personally taken, the memories began to fade. I had not given them the power to drape a new day.I have graduated from the past and I am exploring the future.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The White Buffalo

The adage " History repeats itself" is proof of how little we advanced and how weak we are as intellectual beings. We still battle in the name of greed and ignorance. My time spent with the Native Americans brought not only inner peace, it also came with the visions that nature so instills within each of us.
The white Buffalo

One summer many moons ago, the seven sacred council fires of the Lakota Sioux came together in a great union. The sun was powerful and bright and the heat taking its toll as the people were starving for there was no game. The young tribal men went to seek food. Along the way, the hunters met a beautiful young woman dressed in white who controlled the heaves as she floated high above the clouds. One of the men was filled with lust for the woman and tried to seduce her, but as he reached out to touch her, a cloud surrounded and turned into a pile of bones. The beautiful woman spoke to the young man who remained and she said to him, "Return to your people and tell them I am coming." The powerful and magic of this beautiful woman came with a wrapped bundle to the people. The clouds lowering her she stood facing the Lakota Sioux and unwrapped the bundle giving to the sious a sacred pipe, with the pipe she taught them to pray to the gods. "With this holy pipe, you will walk like a living prayer," she said. Standing framed by the land the Sious called home she spoke to the Sioux about the value of the buffalo, the women and the children. "You are of Mother Earth," she told the women and children, "What you are doing is the work of Mother Earth herself "as she turned to walk away, she looked back upon the people told the people and she said " I will return" , she then dropped to the earth and rolled over four times with the clouds surrounding her she turned into a white female buffalo calf. From that day on the Lakota honored their pipe, and buffalo were plentiful.

To this day the Native Americans believe that the coming of the white buffalo symbolizes the coming together of humanity into a oneness of heart, mind, and spirit.

There is much to be said about becoming one with Mother Earth, the inner being guided by Mother Earth and allowing her to lead to a world of Peace. The respect that comes for the world the people and everything in it will shower us with the true gift of love and knowledge. Imagine for one moment one world, one people, working side by side to protect and further Mother Earth. It is not difficult to see how hatred flourish when one looks at the destruction of man upon man, of man upon mother earth.

We have the knowledge, but a sickness rages through
the blood of many, we cannot control or guide hate.

Strip yourself of your worldly goods and what do you find?
Walk into the sun and leave behind fear, hatred, ignorance, greed and power.The mighty skies , the stars , rivers and mountains, seas and the storms yet to come they hold the answers. We are merrily warriors of Mother Nature, battling to bring respect and peace to her inhabit the earth.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Death at the hands of a brother.

Write your Congress.. make a difference.


Death... as easy as pulling the trigger on a hand gun. It takes a second and a person's life can be altered forever or erased, as if they never existed. I never quite took a stance for or against the gun laws. Of course there is the Amendment the gun lobbyist will fight for " the right to bear arms." I don't know exactly how many people die by the means of a hand gun. I do know its one, to many. Reading the local newspaper there are so many stories of the death of young people, senseless crime that continues, when in a fit of anger one person aims a weapon at another.

I am not new to violence, I stood several times in my life beside, in front or behind the person who held a loaded gun. Several times I witnessed domestic abuse as the gun repeatedly went off, one parent aiming at another. I stood in a store where the clerk was shot and killed and then again for the second time, when I looked eye to eye at a stranger knowing he had a loaded gun with the intent to use it. I wish I could say that would be the last time I would personally have to face the violence head on. But then it came even closer to my family and like a bad nightmare I stood , knee high in snow with out shoes on pleading and begging a family member to put down the gun , please put down the gun. I thought of all the things I should say, I cried, I pleaded I begged and I screamed inside and out. A loaded gun, anger, frustration and in a moments time a family can be changed forever.
Recently two Robert Morris Students were killed and one seriously injured, there is no reasoning for it, it happened. 23-year-old Paul Visnansky chose to take another humans life. It goes on all the time. Yet I found this troubling, when arrested the killer said if he could have those 3 minutes back. You can't that is the big problem with guns, once the trigger is pulled your intent was to kill or at least maim . There is no reasoning, many factors could come into play, temper mental illness, drugs, alcohol , theft, the list is so long and none of it makes one bit of sense. You carry a gun you plan to use it.
What is a murder, who is a murder and what does a murder look like? As I see it anyone who carries a weapon is capable of murder, if not why would you carry it? What does a murder look like? they look you and I. What is a murder? It is a human being that chose to make a bad decision, they chose to end a life. The gun lobbyist will say guns are for self defense, yet we know that many owners of guns will become their own victims. People who hunt and target practice claim that handguns are a craft and a skill. I believe any weapon small enough to conceal makes all those around the gun carrier potential victims.
If our congressional leaders work for us, then why are they not amending the laws to protect the " we the people of the united states of America" I do believe in unity we are powerful, if one woman could take prayer which our country was founded on out of our school systems and out of our community at large, then we the people together can change the laws that put guns in the hands of our youth. Someone needs to take responsibility or we all need to take responsibility, for this is our country and we are a democracy and that does not mean making more rules that are not enforced, but enforcing rules that already exist.
The sixties was a troubling time, some saw it has a fight for freedom, but I don't quite see it that way. We the children of the sixties broke down barriers both good and bad. The rigid structure that came with the earlier years were replaced with rebellion and drugs became the expected norm that broke down the infrastructure of our community. People used to think that times were better when they were young, I don't see it that way. Each generation is carrying its own share of violence.
I am not sure why but I have faith in my God and in the people that we can and we will make a difference. Some say it will take the world in its most vulnerable state to bring us all together, to give us the insight to claim peace as our guide. I pray they are wrong and that we are much smarter then waiting for a world tragedy to teach us a lesson.

One Earth, One people, One Chance.

"Guns don't kill people kill",
but the wrong person behind the
hand of a gun will kill awfully fast.
Who is the wrong person and who
makes that judgement call?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

If my heart of paper, the scissors he command and
clip, cut, clip my heart now in his hands.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Prevention is a lot easier then trying to find a cure...

Friday, January 18, 2008

I find choice straddled between circumstances and selfishness, as the decisions reflect on all those who are somehow entwined by either the thread of opportunity or the web of deceit.

Monday, January 14, 2008


No sooner do you think you have reached up over the mountain to see beyond the horizon, then you meet with another mountain to climb.