Saturday, February 20, 2016

Violence is an equal opportunity employer

I haven't written for awhile. It seems like I am just overcoming the death of my father and brother. I have thought recently about elderly parents who were abusive and now seek your help in their later lives. I don't necessarily think it has to do with forgiveness. It is not whether I forgive my mother or not but that she still can be quite manipulative. I can't allow myself to be put in that position and so cruel as it may seem, I do the minimum I have to. I make sure she has her needs met, housekeeper, nurse, food etc but I refuse to let her move in.
When I look back at the abuse  my father was with my siblings, my mother a hundred times more abusive with him. Men don't want to talk about it. Be it shame or embarrassment they rarely tell anyone. Why did he stay well I asked my sister that question. My mother was alway suicidal and my father was afraid of her hurting herself, so when I wanted to take a knife or a gun from her she in turn would use it on him. What we call abuse my father called discipline. So in his mind he was loving his children. On the other hand my mother was over the board violent. I stopped writing because a few comments , one said " get over it" and another said " that it all had to be a lie" and yet another said great fictional story telling. " Unless you grew up in such a domestic violent situation I am sure you can't comprehend what goes on almost daily in many homes. People think of a death by murder and say oh how awful but for us attempted murder was on a regular basis. She almost succeeded in taking him out. Sad situation that happens way more often than I would like to admit.
Many children grow up to live full lives and never tell what goes on behind close doors. Other children are affected in different ways.
Time is passing by so quickly and I think what else can we do to change the world. I had wished my father would  had a computer in his day. He might have found away out or a way to get help , financially , physically and in the mental health capacity.
My brothers passing was troubling. He never received the help he truly needed and still to this day when he told the psychiatrist what happen and she said "when you are ready to tell me the truth I'll listen. " He made up a  lie about being a prisoner of war when he was in the military, that was easier for her to believe than the truth. What can you do when those who should help don't?
Memories come  little by little and some things that I had forgotten surface. It gives me more in depth look at lives of children raised in domestically abusive households.
I have one sister left she is on dialysis awaiting a kidney transplant. We have gotten much closer over the last few years in away I never expected. She fills in the blanks of the years I was to young to remember. It is therapy when she is here and I talk with her which is everyday. Who else better understands than a sibling who endured the same situation.
I wanted to add a little bit of info. as I meet people who have endured situations that are similar. It takes and incredible source of strength to overcome the violence in the home and yet it does flow over into our current lives. I became very aware how partners or spouses can push buttons that trigger an episode. Yet I don't believe we should walk on egg shells trying to prevent such.
Can we get out of a difficult situation, with divorce at an all time high you would think that those in abusive situations would easily get out. Fear is the number one reason that you should get out and the number one reason people don't. Education is key not to place blame but to guide and bring about alternatives for those living in domestically violent homes.
Thank you all for hanging there and wish you all well.