Wednesday, June 25, 2008


It wasn't until I found myself stumbling that I understood her fall, grasped aimlessly that I sensed her struggles and listened to the silence that I acknowledged her cries. Only a fool sits in judgement when the walls of circumstance are layered so heavy that people from outside can't see in and the people on the inside can't see out.

Monday, June 9, 2008

There is a way out

I find it to be a most frightening realization that the mind is capable of harboring both positive and negative emotions. How many of us have not heard of Jekyll and Hyde? I believe that we are all made of a variety of personalities that is our survival mechanism that allows us to surface through all situations. Unfortunately the mind does go a rye and becomes out of control and there we see that people do have fertile soil of the mind which is capable of growing evil. I find it difficult to understand how love and hatred can grow in the same soil, yet it does and often, one strangles out the other to be the dominate of personalities.
I have always looked at it as the calm before a storm, I found more fear in the positive, loving friendly personality, knowing that at anytime he could change and it was possible that something would set him off. I remember a friend who took one look in his eyes and said he has the eyes of the devil. I do believe that there are powers and sources stronger then we and that evil and good do battle. The army of both good and evil recruit daily to strengthen their hold.
I had looked at this from many levels and wondered exactly what what missing in a personality that was quick to jump to the side of evil. I tried not to dwell, but I must say every time he was close to me, I knew what he was capable of something violent. Some of the memories were animalistic, you teach children not to bite and yet you confront a adult battling and using such a vicious technique to battle. The closer he came to me, the more I feared. I tend to believe it's the extremes that are difficult reminders of what a human is capable of.
One story to many of hostile behavior, destruction and violence, all I can really say is evil does have a foot hold in our community. We can have millions that are law biding, well adjusted individuals but it takes just one to disrupt a whole community. Dwelling on it took me to another level to the seed of evil and how it gets it foot hold in the first place. Then I had to look at the mass of people and realize that IQ, mentality, upbringing and lack of upbringing all played a part on who people are and how they react under stress.
The memories fade but at times I find them surfacing, I laid still in the night and thoughts creeped into all corners of my mind and I imagined all the windows in the house bursting out and shattering at the same time, It was my minds call for help. Help! I said Help!
It is the calm right now, I have been here before, I recognize the pattern that I allow myself to be caught up in. What awaits me, how do I handle it? Maybe I am wrong I tell myself, maybe this time is different, could it be I am just overreacting. Trust yourself, trust instinct, dysfunction is apparent and it frightens me.
I have made changes to control the situations, I had the hand gun dismantled so it no longer could fire, that brought a certain amount of peace to my mind. I also know when hatred is raging that it can carry out its evil in many ways. I wanted to let it all go and to believe I was wrong and that he had changed. My mind flashed back to that moment where he held that loaded gun, ah in the name of love, I can' t live with out you. I was so frightened, he took a beautiful place and introduced it to hell. My eyes swell, but no tears fall. I am stronger and smarter, there is away out and I will not allow senseless emotion to guide me into the arms of evil.