Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I am not sure exactly the sequence of events that allowed me to feel a certain amount of self acceptance. I think it was a combination of timing, age, friendship and a understanding of mental health issues and how they effect a whole family. But I know it's ok to be me!
I have many challenges to tackle in my life, I still battle thoughts of wanting to runaway on a daily basis. I know that where ever I go, what ever I do , my thoughts, my emotions and my battles will follow. I promise myself that I would stand up for what is right, that I would make a difference in peoples lives. A lot has to do with the children, their stability has been the utmost of importance, that they had a chance to break the cycles and have a stronger foundations as they journey out into a new life for themselves.
I feel split and spread in different directions, what is right for me, what is right for the children and what is right for all involved as a family.
It's Okay To Be Me
I'll never be taller then five foot two,
and my eyes will never be brown,
they will always be blue.
I don't need to dye my hair, unless
I don' t like what I see in the mirror.
Weight on , weight off, heavy or thin,
it's okay to have a treat, ice cream
is not a sin.
Curls in the hair or washed and dried
straight, it ok to be me and not be a
To sing and dance and dream and soar,
no walls of brick or locked metal doors.
It is ok to smile and surely to laugh
and I treasure each moment in case
it's my last.
It's ok to believe that tomorrow will
bring a new path to follow and a new
journey to begin.
It.s okay to be me, to live and to love
and to feel the happiness returned
on the flight wings of a dove.
It's okay to be me, I am not perfect
it's true, but with good thoughts and
a warm heart, it will just have to do.
I think that if everyone viewed their being as one with the world around them, accepted what is, for as long as we don't shame or aim the words that would bring pain to another, then we have accomplished in bringing
a little love into another's life. Becareful what you aim at another it has a cruel way of returning........when you least expect it.
Before you condemn, criticize or find fault,
take a step back and put the daggers to a halt.
Take a look in the mirror and look real hard ,
before you point fingers and tear others apart.
Look at your heart, glance at your soul, view
the emptiness that surely took hold.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Denial is a cruel little tool that emotion uses to avoid the inevitable. We clearly see our choices but we allow a barricade of bricks to build up around us. What is it we fear most? "What do we fear but fear itself." I find when two people are viewing life on a different plateau, that hope and faith must be redirected. If they choose to stand idle in the center of a storm, no amount of reaching will pull their partner to safe shelter. I found this to be interesting, I read it many years back " when a person enters into a relationship with the hope to change their partner, either one of two things happen, they fail and realize that no amount of coaxing can change or encourage a person to grow, unless they also want it or they succeed in bringing change on their partner just to watch them walk away." Either way walking into a relationship thinking you can bring about change in another rarely ever works.
I found this story a couple of years back about a women who was strong enough to walk away and counsel many women in abusive situations, only to be murdered by her x husband. We use to think it was a Pennsylvania problem, men who think marriage is ownership and the more I read, the more people I talk with the more I see it is a world wide problem. If you have a chance view the story http://efstew.tripod.com/Rachel.html
It is called respect you cannot have a partnership without mutual respect for one and other.
Trust just as important, without trust you have already fallen off the first step of a good relationship. Anytime fear enters a relationship for any reason, it becomes a warden and prisoner. I thought to myself why would anyone want a person who doesn't want to be there.
Life with out smiles, joy and happiness. I might be a bit Idealistic but as short as life is if you cannot be happy then you are already dead.
I have been there, where I felt dead, just a spectacle of a mere existence. Living the life someone else deem to be the path I follow. When I looked at myself, I barely recognized who I had become. Someone's mother another's wife and a huge part of me was dead.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Many ways we relate when we have grown up in a particular era. I heard I heard the phrase many times, but never really comprehended it " the generation gap." The problems my mother faced were unique to that time frame, when divorce wasn't heard of and well a woman's place was in the home, I think for my generation, we were tested with extreme change in motion. Freedom was coming to both women and minorities. I look at the my children and the times they are growing up in, it is filled with the pros and cons that we all met up with, packaged a little differently.
When one of the children would say not me....... our response would me "Never say never" Times they are a changing. In every time period you will see both good and bath. To much freedom is like giving people a rope to hang themselves, stifle them and creativity is crushed. Is there a middle ground? I really don't know, simply because if your living life your experiencing both the good and bad of it all.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
We do the best we can in any given situation, what is best for ourselves and our children. Each child views and comprehends life in their own way. The adage" out of the mouth babes" Children are not born to lie, they are taught to lie. So through the eyes of youth we see their reality as they view it, the innocence uncomplicated. The value of being a good listener is as important as being a good speaker.
On the main stage of life we have what we need to get through any given situation. But there are the visions of more, our personal needs, those of our children. It is not a easy situation for any parent who must surface from a divorce. Depending on each individuals needs, they have many obstacles to over come and it's not that the children are being overlooked in a situation, but that we can only do so much.
There are no easy answers because as similar as life may seem to each of us, it is very unique, as unique as each individual Yet it is the repetition of similarity of any given situation that pulls
us together and teaches us what road we shall travel next or how best we can travel it.
I looked back at my son who is now twenty five years old and there were situations that I was not so happy with in his childhood. I had three sons at the time, the children were 1 , 5 and 7 years of age. I can only tell you that life always seemed to be to be this huge struggle. What was meant to be a family outing stands out in my mind as a very sad memory. We were out on a picnic, the children excited carrying fishing rods and I was carry the baby supplies the picnic basket blankets etc. The little one needed to go the bathroom and I should have stopped what I was doing, but I continued on. My eldest was soon to be eight years old and his father yelled loudly give your mother a hand. He expected the children to fill in the position where I felt it was a fathers responsibility or a mother..I always was so tired... it was such the struggle. The boys didn't handle the situation as their father expected them too. They were so exited they wanted to run and play. He was old school their worth based on the duties fulfilled. We crossed many times on the issue of discipline. Was it discipline or abuse?He started to swing the rods at the children, move faster I told you to help your mother. The younger one jumped and caught the bruising of the rod, my oldest always seem to stand up to his father stood staunch without flinching and as I yelled for him to stop, I saw the rod whip him as blood ran down his thighs.
Situations like that were not everyday, there is rage and the calm, like a bad game. I never stood by and allowed my children to be abused and many times I stood between them. As more children came along I was now more aware and less likely to allow his violent outrage to touch the children. It was very much like a yo yo and up and down scenario.
I learned quickly that I had to defend my children, to protect them, I was their mother, home is one of comfort not of fear. The situations with the younger became more verbal then physical, I threaten to take the children and never look back.
I can remember the very first event I ever did, there we were my daughter and I for the first time out on our own. It was a wonderful mother daughter bonding. Out of the mouth of babes, " momma when are we going to have enough money for our own apartment. I don't want to go home." Each sell she counted the money, I tried to explain to her, this pays one month what will pay for another. She cried the whole trip home, she said I thought I'd miss the animals, she said I didn't miss anything. I wanted for my children to have the stability I did not, but at what price? Isolation is the tool of the controller, keep them away from people and cut off the outreach, no connection no help. You feel as if you have no where to turn. It took years for me to get beyond my own fears, it took the listening ear of a friend to help build my own confidence. I was forty eight years old when I finally stood up for myself and with outside help learned to drive and for the first time I now had a drivers license. It was one brick in the wall down.
No matter how much you try to hide from children, they know more then you can imagine. She is not only my daughter she is my best friend, and a God given gift. One day I said how did I end up so lucky to have you as a daughter and why this late in my life? She looked at me with that angelic smile of hers and she said, " because God knew you would need me now, as much as I need you" She is a child way beyond her age and I try not to rob her of that. I think at times we
are growing up together, she is teaching me more about life and myself then I ever imagined.
I think my two eldest children paid for my immaturity, as I did not know how to handle the situation. But strong you become and you realize how important it is to stand up for yourself and your children.. Perfect people, that just doesn't exist, we are just people. living learning and
experiencing life. But most of all with all my faults I wanted my children to know one thing and one thing above all I have always and will always love them.
the worst are those that hold closed the mind.
Out of the mouth babes,
My eldest son said " I thought we were the perfect family, any punishment I received I deserved. "
My second born said, " He is a old sick man"
My third born said, " That like pack wolves the eldest male controls the pack... "scary thought there.
My forth born, " visions of grandeur"
My fifth born said" you have two hands and I have two hands, that means you have four"
My sixth born " I don't like him, anymore then he likes me"
Six children, six different views.......
As I end this, I want to thank you for responding, I was touched Matty by your heartfelt response to a emotional and personal time of your life. It takes courage and love for oneself to
tread in untraveled waters. Every child views life from their perspective, a mother does what she thinks is best not for one child but for all the children. It is obvious your love for your children and the journey you accepted as you stood to make a choice for all involved. You should feel a sense of pride, for each of your children carries with them your love. We have a habit as mothers to compare our children one to the other, it's human nature... but look at is as more that each is walking their own path, choosing a direction. The beauty of Character is the diversity that surfaces. I just wanted to say there is a heavy burden placed on a mother who raises sons without a father figure. I said Lord what are you doing? I know nothing about raising boys. I taught them how to cook and a full range of household responsibilities, I taught them to see through my eyes, but how I wished they had a male mentor to teach them what a man should know. I remember when my first born went out on his own, he said Mum it's not like" the world according to Mother." I felt that I gave them my values of life, " treat those as you would like to be treated, show respect for your elders, what goes around comes around and
keep your nose clean and your zipper up. "
Monday, July 16, 2007
There will be days like this... sitting here and I keep thinking, what else can go wrong and then I say don't be so silly, pull it together, you have so much to be grateful for. Then I think of you and I know that if today were my last, I have loved and have had love returned... Hold my hand and like a flame in breeze soar.
Memories are little released life rafts, part of our selective memory, a balance of positive and negative that gives us the strength to continue on a positive path or unfortunately a repetitive path of destruction. I find that there must have been little balance for me before the age of ten, as those years are draped with a curtain of darkness with very few memories surfacing. Personality does play a big part as does the absorption of our surroundings, the average child will indeed try to emulate the behavior of adults. If the statement is all so true, then each child in a less then positive situation would react the same way. I find this to be so far from the truth. The moral behavior based on right and wrong and what is acceptable in society would be the guide lines for choices. I do believe instinct is naturally instilled an as we age we fight the natural instinct of right and wrong. It is as simple as the emotion bases feelings we experience on a daily basis, not as much as a conscience as I believe most would like to believe, but a deeper sense of what feels good
and what feels bad.
If you place your hand to close to a fire, soon you will pull away as your reaction to stay is to get burned. One of the most common reactions in a child that doesn’t feel comfortable in their surroundings is to “runaway” . Unfortunately this is not always an option, as what is the safe alternative to the negative source. For those who are willing to reach out in their youth, I believe the community should offer more youth programs
that are strong in the lessons of acceptable communities moral code.
Responsibility for our youth has lapsed over the years, the media does not hold their reporting to high standards and the more negative the behavior of sports players andmovie stars, singers etc the more attention they receive. The weaker standards of the community is like a woven blanket with many holes. Who catches those falling through, guides them and gives them an alternative? We cannot teach ethics nor rebuild character, but with proper guidance I believe we can give opportunities to those who know they are in a negative situation and are struggling to survive. Many will say it’s not the community nor the schools responsibility to provide a curriculum that provides lessons of moral conduct, then at least we should be able to provide a safe and warm place for children to turn. I repeat my fathers words as words of failure “ do as I say, not as I do”. For children overwhelming will do as they see. If as adults we fail to be responsible,what message do we send our children?
I have always thought it to be a blessing to be the fourth child in my family neither privileged as the baby nor that as the eldest, I found that I stood in a position where I could view all around me, the consequences of action. In some instances I felt as I knew the outcome, I also knew how to respond. There are two ways to in code a moral conduct , through fear or love. Both very strong methods that provide for various outcomes. Every child that survives the lessons of childhood will become and adult to pass on the same lessons. It is not in the preaching of the words of the Lord, but in living the words of the Lord. Even in the most perfect of worlds we will find people are different and will react differently to a situation.....yet it is not hopeless for if one child finds a role model, someone they can look up to and emulate then indeed all is not hopeless.
I remember when I signed up for dental school, it was all because of the way one woman spoke to me, each visit to the dentist office she smiled and had a glow about her... I so at that time of my life wanted to be just like her. I don’t think I was much different then most teenagers, they are all looking up to and adult as a role model..... are we providing
enough positive role models?
I say unto the children, if ye need run, run to my arms.
Friday, July 13, 2007
There are so many ways a person is controlled, as a child, we were very restricted in many ways, music was one of them. I listen in awe as I hear songs for the first time that was from the era we grew up in. The sixties was a transitional time, with many changes.. Music comes with a diverse ability to stir emotion, from laughter to romance, to memories...and best yet the ability to create a new moment.
It was the times, girls didn't wear jeans, the beatles music was off limits, you could open a bottle of pop on a telephone pole and street cars took you into town for ten cents. A friend his favorte quote use to be "ignorance is bliss" he used to say knowing and not able to make a difference is worse then not knowing anything..... hmm.. When you let go of the child in you, you have surely died.... smiles, laughs and dances to the beatles..Sings...all my loving!
I thought about all the trials in life, death and illness and a score of negativity that surfaces throughout our life, we are indeed wealthy. Wealthy beyond a financial scope. Looking at the choices that need be made in life... I said to my daughter," every alternate path we travel comes with a wealth of information."
Life the treasure, each person we meet a precious gem.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
My son seemed upset on the phone, what's wrong I said? Brandon is dead. At first I felt a little guilt maybe I didn't reach out enough to help or maybe I could have made a difference in his life. Brandon had a back injury, didn't have medical insurance and was taking pain medication prescribed for someone else. He died quickly without a second chance from the mixture of alcohol and morphine. Twenty two years old and his life is ended... my son continues to visit his grave, as the guilt of not making a difference in a friends life is overwhelming at times.
We talked about life and I noticed his attitude changing, his views on God and death. When we are dead we are dead he said, like a cat or a dog. He said Brandon is gone, like shooting a deer for dinner, it's over. He questioned his faith and God. Where was God to intervene and give him a second chance? I had no real answers for his questions, it was his time son, I said.
There is a saying that we use an awful lot when we are caught in the middle of an unjust situation. "what goes around comes around" Sooner or later everyone gets their turn......
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
I blamed the isolation for my loneliness and yet it had as much do with my view on life as the emptiness that had its hold me. I don't believe anyone really understands even to this day few would recognize the path. Most compare one situation to another, and label and condemn. The average response is they must have been weak, unintelligent and so on. When I look back at the years of childhood, I see my parents as neither weak nor unintelligent.
I was thirteen when I held my first job, it took two trolley buses to get to work and two on the return. Childhood was stripped from us early,I think many of us grow up quickly. I always felt like a little girl in a grown up world. I worked with elderly people, I didn't have problems with it. I learned a lot from them, as I look back I can see each person who crossed my path and what they brought to my life.
I had held several jobs as a teenager, I worked as a waitress in a dept. store and I was still dealing with my mother and fathers violence. I had been crying before I made it to work and the policy is you don't take your problems to work, I forced a smile, wiped the tears from my eyes and proceeded as if nothing had happen. Of all the people to come into the restaurant was my art teacher, he slipped a note into my hand with his phone number and a message if you need to talk call me. I never called and yes I needed to talk. I kept so much inside for so long,
I never looked at my parents as bad people, to this day I still don't . What I see was two people of different walks of life, who could not come together on the same stage.
My mother cried almost everyday of her life, I can remember few days when she was happy, surely the sad ones outweighed them. My sister said that after I was born my mother suffered depression , there was no doubt with four children, she needed some help.
My eldest sister took full responsibility she washed the clothes by hand, ironed each piece, bathed and dressed and then set off to school. She was only nine years old when I was born, by eleven she was like the only mother I would know. She became very protective of us, to this day she has this hard shell that she likes to portray, but I know the warmth from inside of her. I understand a film that she surrounds herself with. It is her form of survival, her strength that continues to get her through each day.
We talk more then we ever did, about dreams, the past, her fears and passion for life as well as her regrets. Growing up down by the river, we became strong swimmers, if ever there were guardian angels, we surely had them, as we did every thing little girls shouldn't. Racing the trains, swimming the river, and wandering distances amongst the trees with out supervision.
I was born the tag along, I don't remember to often playing with children my age, as wherever my eldest sister went she had me right beside her.
If people knew about our plight, they never led on, or maybe it was because at that time,everyone was dealing with something. The ideal " leave it to beaver family or father knows best " just didn't exist. We had the images of a white picket fence and happily ever after. I always call it the party face, when you meet people and they put on a smile and pretend that their world is perfect. The more you see them, the more they enter your life, the more the party face fades.
Isolation is built of individual barriers built one at a time, so that the adage " alone in a crowded room", becomes a reality. We find ourselves separated by lack of understanding , to only realize when we come together on the same stage we all are dealing with the struggles of life all in just a little bit different way.
I am tired and it's only 7:03, it's cool and dark, the rain has places a dampness in the air and the hollow is draped in silence........
We are on a journey of experience, where it leads and when, is in some way in the hands of fate. Both good and bad things will happen, people close to us will die, have a car accident, have social issues, drugs, alcohol, mental health.So numerous are our experiences that it would be impossible to list them for every bad one we could list a good one , a child is born , a couple becomes married, a teenager starts their journey and the list goes on.
On this journey we know but one thing, we are born to experience and as we continue on the journey we will build a library of knowledge for the next generation. If we fail to share in this knowledge, then the answers will go unheard and again people will continue to point fingers and blame rather then seek the alternative behavior.
My intent was never on a path of revenge or to place blame. No one is ever sure how they would respond to another crisis, because no matter how similar every situation is , each is just a little bit different. Then how do we learn? We learn that there is opportunity, outreach and self responsibility and most of all we remember that no one is capable of holding the spirit down, for we are free to change the path and to build a better future.
If it were all so black and white, everyone would look the same, react the same and character would no longer exist. But we are different, our thoughts different, our response different with the thread of humanity tying us together. Some of us more emotional others less. Find your strength and build on it, for each of us is just that filled weaknesses and strengths.
I read this article where researchers have found they can use drugs to wipe away single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. By injecting an amnesia drug at the right time, when a subject was recalling a particular thought, neuro-scientists discovered they could disrupt the way the memory is stored and even make it disappear.
I thought what one memory would I want to erase, I couldn't think of one. The worst thing that could happen to a person is to forget a pain physical or emotional. It made me laugh as I remember my first gall bladder attack, rolling around in pain. I quickly learned what not to eat so not to have it reoccur. If we removed memories would we remove the self discipline that comes with memories. My mind was bouncing around as I thought of soldiers and the memories from war that haunted them, yet still I think to forget erases our response to find the answers.
We should forget what our individual hell is , maybe we should try to prevent or learn to deal with it.
I have a few dreams that are recurrent, one is this little girl in a aged old train station, I see her behind the barred windows, I want to let her free. I try to get close to her and the closer I get the quicker she fades away. When I peer into the window, I see a little girls bedroom, perfect and orderly, nothing out of place. Each time I have the dream it happens exactly the same way.When I moved from the city to the rural area, I felt again a closeness to her, like the building now had a location, I looked out where a old foundation had once stood and I could visualize her standing their behind the bars of the window. I have had the same dream since I can remember.
get beyond our mistakes?
I reviewed a response to the year 2oo5 when many decision were coming into play in my life. I really wouldn't have thought to reread except that someone had found it and sent it on to a friend, so I looked it over, at where I was standing two short years ago.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Decisions, those nasty little choices that keep popping up through the day. Clouded in judgment over the years I found that sheltering which is portrayed as a protectiveness is quite the opposite, it does very little to promote a foundation where growth can flourish. Stagnant life becomes a mere existence, rather then a contribution of self to the world around us. I battle the years of regression as I tackle each moment in the day to gain independence of thought and allow my inner self to reach its full capacity. The long journey had planted seeds of self doubt which have rooted within .You can imprison the body , setting limitations upon ones abilities . But you can’t hold on to the spirit within, that seeks to soar the heavens. The minds capabilities are unlimited. Finding the strength to not question what it is the heart feels and allowing freedom to overcome all obstacles.The strains of indeciveness grips when I least expect it.I find that I need stimulation and constant reminders to encourage the journey forward. Hungry for the contact that comes with reaching out beyond the perimeters set in place many years ago. I find each person I come in contact with is a lesson in life and fuel for the days ahead
My mind battles fiercely with my heart and soul.My heart to the wind to feel your embrace, my soul beside you as we journey in place.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
broken dreams and promises and the life that
we both planned.
The waves growing stronger, as if I am caught up in the sea and the closer to the shore I get, the more it pulls me back into the deep.
Don’t birth the negativity nor allow it to weigh you down, keep your head above the water and tread to safer ground.
Tiresome from teetering and holding to make believe, as surreal the moment, I know what is and isn’t reality.