Friday, November 23, 2007

I started this blog to give to my sister a voice and to bring to light that dysfunction knows not financial or social status, that it effects people all over the world and in all economic brackets. As I thought more about it I knew to some degree the writing was bringing closure or a sense of my own personal healing. To continue on the same path would be giving power to the negative forces.
We are a book of on going chapters and remaining on one chapter to long is like standing over your head in a stagnant pool of water, sooner or later you will drown in it.

A worth of a woman.. gone with the wind moments, not!

Get your ass back in the kitchen where you belong.

I do it for you babe.

When I trained you to be a whore, It was meant just for me.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Enya - Silent Night (in Irish) Christmas Lyrics

What ever you might be confronting this holiday season, may you find the peace of the season and hold it in your heart through the upcoming year. Whether you are a believer or not, the words are of love and peace and the beauty and warmth of a spiritual celebration..It is not in the giving of commerialized gifts, it is in the giving of yourself. May you find the true gifts of Christmas through the sharing of hearts...... a very early Merry Christmas.


By chance you have no one to decorate a tree with I invite you to join me in decorating a tree as we bring in the season with peace. My prayers go out to all those who find themself at a distance from love ones this season....and if you can stand it I'll even sing.....
My father enjoyed the holidays, it was a time of reprieve,not much different then taking a moment out from war to say a prayer. He would go all out decorating the house and tree and putting on music, it was a calm to an other wise stormy life.
Sometimes we re-wrapped things we had for Christmas gifts, it was just the satisfaction of opening a present. When I was married I so wanted the holiday excitement, my holidays consisted of friends who had become my family. I called them the chosen ones, not born to but brought together by fate.They had passed away all of them and I feel the emptiness at the holidays even with all the children I feel something missing. No matter how small the apartment was they would squeeze in for dinner and they made me feel as if my apartment was a castle. I so loved the spirit of the holidays, my husband was completely the opposite. He hated them, I was sure he was cousin to the scrooge or the grinch, not just the Christmas holiday he hated all holidays. His family was quite opposite of mine, they had and they wanted for nothing. Their house was filled with family and gifts that hit the ceiling, expensive decorations.
Each year I tried to be everything to the children , father, mother and I felt the pressure at the holiday to make things happen, to create positive memories. My husbands negativity was so strong that it left a impact, I felt sadness at the holidays instead of the joy of celebration. I would take the time to prepare meal, set the table with china and candle light, just before dinner was to be served he would disappear and the children and I would eat alone.
It brought back the first memory of Christmas as a married woman, I was nineteen years old and I was so looking forward to a christmas tree. Christmas Eve was approaching and I asked if we could get a tree, he responded with you don't need a tree" It midnight of Christmas eve and the house was so empty and I didnt drive and so I couldn't get to a store, I felt and emptiness I cried and cried... He said you are immature about this you don't need a Christmas tree. It wasn't just the tree, it was what holidays had come to mean to me, a release from the stress, a day of celebration, a religious connection, hope, faith and peace all in one. It was 2am maybe childish but I began to cry, and cry. He questioned when I would stop crying, I said when I have a tree.
Three am and he said stop it now I'll get you a damn tree and off he went to find a tree on christmas mornning .. he had found a homeless man burning the branches of a tree and he said how much for the tree and the homeless man said $50.00 he said that is highway robbery. The homeless man said do you see any other pine trees and , he said no. Then the homeless mans said $70.00 the price just went up... He said you were burning the tree anyways and he said yep and I'll continue to keep warm. He ended up paying 80.00 for a tree without to many branches. He dragged it in and I was so happy. I made popcorn decorations and those of paper, It was Christmas I had a tree in celebration.
There were many conflicts between us, and over the years I overlooked many of them, a few I could not and still have not been able to let go of..
What is Christmas? the celebration of Jesus and the kindness and joy of celebrating Jesuses birth. But it was also more it was peace in its ultimate moments. I have this angel that I had since I was a child, it was somehow misplaced over the last couple of years. She was my holiday companion, where I could tell all my secrets to.
So whispering this years secret, I am going to the farm and I am going to buy a short needled tree,even if the needles fall all over the house, I am going sing and dance and celebrate the holidays through the eyes of a child..... to all those who have someone to share the day with and to those who don't I wish you a very happy holiday this thanksgiving and all the way through the season.