Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It is so difficult because I love him...

Monday, April 21, 2008


We are our own worst enemy

Speaking with my elder sister, I found her pain, her disappointment and I found that her anger had her on the path of revenge. Is she revenging a wrong or is her resentment getting the better of her spirit? Let it go I said, the sooner you quit punishing your self, the sooner you will heal. She said I have to do it, I have them make them pay.
Something horrible is brewing within in the family, the vengeance in which she is planning on taking will do nothing but disrupt every one's life. My first thoughts are why is she doing this? It's much like misdirected anger, I find she wants to inflict a punishment on family members who indeed crossed the path of injustice. I asked her what will come of it, what do you think you will gain by allowing anger and hatred a place in your heart and soul? Revenge she said, they will pay it is my revenge.
I felt troubled at her words, I felt as if she was taking advantage of a mental health issue of someone who is now gone. So if your not helping yourself and your not helping the person who was desperately in need, then who are you hurting? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to wish it all away. The turmoil within me is cautious as if there maybe truth to what she says, will she be stopping another hell from happening or encouraging another chapter that consist of page after page of the unthinkable.
I gave it some thought she is talking murder and health issues, if there is truth who will suffer next from the hands of evil and if there is no truth to her accusations, how many family's will suffer from such direct vengeance?
The negativity of the last few weeks is overwhelming and it drains the spirit. Part of me doesn't want the horror to come out. If a person speaks many times the same story, does the story to them gain some measure of reality for them? I see a family drowning with no help to be found, surely they will be there own demise.
Truly it is becoming a horror flick in the making. Where does vengeance fit in, with those who need mental help. With many people independtly giving me their side of the story, I view many beginnings and many endings to the hell that waits.
Nothing good will come of this so revenge, only pain, hatred and evil.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Change and the threat of change does not equate with control,
only fear of the unknown can place such restraints on the soul.


Sometimes the only clear cut way of removing yourself from the negativity is to get as far away as possible. Running away does not always include physically extracting self from the situation, I am speaking of more of an emotional separation. It does seem that certain personalities are more capable of achieving this ability to cross barriers.
A look back in history provides us with an account of those who survived war, prisoner of war, Holocaust and many catastrophic situations. There are several factors involved one is I believe people are chosen to record the experiences in hopes that we might prevent them such pain of humanity from reoccurring.Only through the written word can we explore the negative side of humans to rise above with positive answers. I also believe that in knowlege comes answers and with these answers we can prevent to occurence of human failure.
There are many who don't fair as well and the nightmare follows them to their death. In the great scheme of things we see how vulnerable we really are and hopefully we can overcome the weakness that has become a part of our being. Universally we are a huge puzzle and there are those who spend their life looking for the pieces to the puzzle.
The mind is a great combination lock and we have to continue to try new ways to open it and explore the depth that memory and experience play on adult life.
We are all survivors in one way or another, everyone has at had atleast one negative experience in their life that they had to rise above. There are many ways to strengthen self some look to the Lord, to nature, friendships, medical assoc, etc in hopes of healing and moving past life and death.

The bitterness of life need not remain,
hopefully it makes the sweetness in life
that much more sweeter.

Rejoice in life,
we only get one time around in this body.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Rural Folks

I felt extremely emotional, after watching the funeral of the peterson from the fire in Brockway Pennsylvania and reading the comments of Barack Obama, I didn't feel bitter I felt sick. Generalizing a group of people felt like being on the end of reversal discrimination. Rural folks don't turn to guns and to religion, there faith is instilled in them and a huge part of who they are, their beliefs are not to be ridiculed. In Pennsylvania rural folks turn to the voting machines, be sure of that. Guns no matter what side of the fence your on guns are part of the America at large, but I have to inform the Senator the guns killing on a daily basis are not hunters in the woods but hunters of every racial and ethnic background in the cities across our great country.

Rural folks the backbone of America!

How many need to die to keep the wealthy even wealthier.

At one point I thought I would just discontinue writing, that very little difference could be or would be made in a community where the wealthiest of people will never quite understand or care. The Economy is worse then it has been in my lifetime and we don't need a economist to tell us any different. Gas prices are outrageous and a necessity especially for those living in rural areas. The trickle down is showing the increase is expanding to all of our household goods from foods to cleaning supplies.There are many things people do to save a dollar, cut meals, eliminate outings and practice unsafe heating of homes.
I believe the heavy of this does way on our political forum, it tends to cater to what draws attention or votes or both. It wasn't long ago that they broke up ma bell for being a monopoly, yet they have done nothing to alter companies who are taking advantage of the necessities people need to survive.
As much as I didn't want to have touch on this topic again, I have no choice but to try raise consciousness. I had received several calls and letters asking can they turn off our gas if we have young children in the house, are we safe this time of year. I can't pay by bills, I am already holding down 3 minimum wage jobs. The stories ongoing, I look at this as a crisis that hasn't been seen since the great depression. I call it a bit of history repeating itself, a step back into the Mc Carthy Era. There has become a steady increase from those who have and the have nots. For all those who have not read nor lived when people gave there lives for the union, will fail to see what a good union stood for, equality, a fairness for all. You cannot rid life of the problems unless you start with one and work your way up.
We cannot instill morals in a pill, it is a life learning process and the break down of our system that has weakened a social bond. The bottom line is everything is about money, the profit margin, stock holders etc. Unfortunately the middle class are suffering right along side the low income, in an emergency pull your own retirement funds only to be penalized, tax upon tax of your own money. Only those capable of hiring a good attorney seem to be able to bend the rules.
I can' t tell you how many families have lost members due to fires, since I posted the local family within miles of my own home. Many People have resorted back to wood and coal and electric space heaters and still others who are using furnaces can hardly afford the up keep to maintain a safe heating device.
The lowest of income can receive grants but even that goes so far in helping with the high rate of energy bills and the middle income are receiving very little if any help. When more then half of a working families income is going to fuel bills, how are they to sustain a healthy surrounding for their children. Who will halt the greed, who will care about the innocent who are to care for the children who can't for themselves.
This is a direct comment from my local politician, she runs a Dental practice in town and is also on the local council. When speaking of the plight of local transportation problems, her response was that she was aware that it was a problem but they made a choice to live here in a rural area.
Some made choices others have had the land passed down from one generation to the next, true they choose to make rural America their home but they didn't choose to be slighted by the government as this is one of the few counties with out public transportation, they didn't choose illness, they didn't choose to lose their jobs.
Many will commute hundreds of miles for the minimum of wage that barely covers expenses. Others will try and live off the land and many will suffer, especially the children.
In eastern Pennsylvania another family has suffered from a fire, though they have not said what is the cause of the fire only that ten people were trapped and killed and two managed to escape early Thursday from a house engulfed by flames near Brockway, a town of about 2,000 people situated about 80 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. The gas was shut off since 2005 and they were using space heaters to heat the house.
Unfortunately there are so many more of these stories just waiting to happen children keeping warm by unsafe electrical appliances. Maybe the fuel company thinks that these people are expendable, maybe these fuel companies believe they are God and can keep necessities away from those who need it. These fuel companies care very little about extending help, they are turning away money because the payments aren't as much as they want to recieve, greed they want and mroe, it seems they prefer to shut off gas to peoples home rather then help them.
I don't necessary want to signal out companies, but I know for a fact that that their stock holders are not doing without, who suffers? society suffers, children suffer and the world who will never get to know the children they suffer.

I believe whole heartily that our country is desperately over looking the working poor. I am not sure this presidential election will make any difference, as it will be much of the same. People who can't even relate to what is really going on around them, it as if they want to breed a separation of the classes.

What can we do? Write to our politicians let them know without change they won't recieve our votes, write to our fuel companies the puc and anyone who will listen. I find this appalling and to close to home to ignore

My prayers go out to the family and survivors. Anyone who cares to follow up on the story can view it at

Standing alone we are one in the wind, together we are a wall that cannot be bulldozed down, stand strong stand together, allow your voice to be heard. The tears of many children depend on us.
May God help those who can't help themself.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Understanding is not accepting

Every adult retains the memories of their youth, it is through this kaleidoscope of events that we see the formation of thought. The process creates our internal response to current situations. So heavily weighs our former experiences that when we reach out in time of crisis it is from our first lessons in life that we pull information or answers to work through a moment in time. Of course we do not stop growing and learning therefore we can alter negative experiences with more positive ones. In reality we are a canvas and it is possible to repaint the canvas many times over, in doing so we do not look to perfect life, but the create a new experience.

Why is it that one can feel so lost in territory they have traveled on a regular basis? I have asked this question of myself many of times. I have been here before then why do I sense such fear? The surroundings may be familiar but the situation that rises up from it, has slight bit difference to it. I feel the daggers of judgement in the words of others, common is the practice to expect others to act or behave in a manner consistent with their own actions. As if condemning another condones their own choice or lack of choice.

In the battle between self and our own inner demon, one can only look inward and react accordingly. Questions we must ask our self, what is it we want? what is it we deserve? and again how can we reach out and respond to the task of achieving our own goals? Each persons wants and desires are very different and only through honest searching of the soul can we find where our wants shall lead us. We are deserving of what all humans are deserving of, the right to explore and experience life. Goals should be attainable, one hour, one day, one lifetime.

I have not felt the fear for sometime, somehow I have been able to release it from my cache of thought. In my outreach to gain a better understanding of myself, I have found that we hand over the scepter to the captors and through a period of growth we take back the control of our own being.

In any abusive or dysfunctional family the major goal is to break the cycle to not pass the pain and experience on to others members of the family. It is possible to break the chains that lock the past to the present. One must first believe they can and through the exploration of self improvement become enriched by the trials of the past and not held down by them. We do this by removing from our shoulders the weight of guilt.

In each adult lives a child, in each child grows and adult, it is alright to allow emotion to remind us of the paths we have already traveled but more importantly to be able to see the options in the roads ahead. Choices have always been there for us, we just need to know when and where to reach out and make them.

Everyday we would drive through town and we would complain to one another that the speed limit was higher then it needed to be with so many children walking to school. It wasn't until a little girl was hit by a pick up truck walking to school that everyone demanded something be done. This is how life is, it's not until something touches or creates an impact in our life, that we then decide to react. Almost as if we don't see the choices before us until we see the outcome. That is very unfortunate for the many who stand to be a victim to the error of our ways.

It has been said "we learn from out mistakes" hopefully we grow from them as well.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Everything comes with consequences

There are many factors that come into play, thus creating the great sacrifice. In the larger picture it is not always about self, as there are contributing factors to every decision. Creating a house of cards, it takes the slightest movement and quickly they all fall down. We don't invest in the future to watch the great collapse, unfortunately it is our vulnerabilities that occur throughout our life that create the greatest of test. It's as the the children's story the three pigs, have we built a solid foundation of straw, sticks or brick?