Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The last couple of weeks has been like stepping off a rollercoaster. The thrill of a ride is the ups and downs, but I found it all to be a bit troubling .Until the ride levels off and you can look back without anger and look ahead without fear, then the ride continues.

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Heart is a vessel in which all emotions travel.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

How Heavy the Heart of a Repetitive Fool

for only a fool keeps believing.....



It is true that we are responsible for our own choices, but choices can be marbled not only by varied circumstances but also by the limited alternatives. For as much as we are the same, we are so different and every situation that seems to shadow the next, is complicated by our psychological and physical position.
Standing still and looking back over the last several months, I examined closely my own faltering in the decision making process. Occasionally I stumbled when I allowed my heart to lead, and again when I held strongly to hope in others.
I laughed as my sister and I sang the song rescue me, at times through out her life she had wished that someone would rescue her, she responded to me as the song played. "I fell many times believing in someone else, now I must stand to rescue myself." I think we all might be guilty of wanting and easy way out, but as the old adage goes" nothing is worth having that is not worth working for."
I lay restless in bed, my mind moved visually like a television quickly changing scenes. I thought of the times the man I chose to be a partner in life had fallen short of life's expectations, or was that my expectation? For I know we set ourselves up for failure when we expect what fails to materialize. Yet a dear friends said many years back," if you don't look for more, expect more, work for more , want more, then you will find yourself hungering all your life for more. " I think I did just that want more, yet I allowed fear to keep me from branching out or asking, or at least trying. Then again as I heard the words" now is not the time in your life not for mistakes, it is the time to enjoy what we have sowed." I found myself once again in a struggle to stay afloat, I tried to understand my own failures and falls. How many times like the game of chutes and ladders could I climb up to find myself sliding back, each time a little further. I found myself wanting to run wanting to hide. But I had told myself many times " you can run but you can't hide, all of life will follow."
A marriage is a very difficult proposition as it takes two to form a strong union and we find that when we step on that podium of unity that we bring with us as they say "old baggage".No measurement or comparison can be made to what a child feels as they surface into adulthood. The most difficult is the lack of understanding or better yet lack of answers. I went into a relationship believing that each partner gives equally. rarely does that happen, I find life is filled with givers and takers and does not always balance out.
I tried to weigh out life, set it on the scales of justice and balance out the good and bad. I had allot to be grateful for and yet I still felt a heavy measure of disappointment. Sometimes issues were not of one person or another's fault but leaned more on circumstances, it was in a catch all of maybe it could have worked, but just didn't . One of the first lessons you give young children " look both ways before you cross the street" and as adults we fail to follow that same lesson to look both ways before we make a decision. Two people, different views, different outlooks, different goals. Trust is crucial in a relationship, without it there is no next step.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry I would remain strong. I find as we get older we remove the blinders that held us in place for so long. Everyone has various names for it, some call it midlife crisis, others finding them self, or the age of awareness. I know I am getting old when I know way to many adages, " lie to me once, shame on me, lie me to twice, shame on you, there is no third time. Optimism can be both a tool that shines a light on tomorrow or it can be the arrow that pierces a fallen heart.
I have this little picture frame that I keep on my desk, it has the little red choo choo and the words from the children's book," I think can, I think I can , I think I can" I always felt like that little engine believing that I can when everyone else says no. I said to my dearest friend," must be the rebellion in me , I love a good no. "
Sometimes I am disappointed in myself, for as strong as people think I am , there is another side that wants to lean on someone else for a change. Choices it always seems easy, but it is far from easy. Everyone is confronted at different times of their life with choices and can we blame them for making mistakes... for if the mistakes vary,are we not still learning? How costly this game of life can be.


I want to soar and I want to hide,
I want to run and yet I go back,
I want to scream and yet no words are heard,
I want to be grateful and yet I am disappointed,
I want to be happy and yet I am sad,
I want to love and yet I hate,
I want to laugh and yet I cry.
I want to understand and I don't.
I want to die, I want to live.

Monday, August 13, 2007


A perfect world where equalism takes center stage and a peacefulness is birthed in every heart. A place where poverty and the ills of the world as we know it does not exist. Idealistic society that works for the common good.
In those of us who are peace loving people, it is difficult to comprehend the world as it exist. Though Utopia can result in a fictional sureal like dream, if all the power that were at this moment reversed and put into goodness, and kindness and the willingness to help our brother, what changes might we experience.
I propose that each person take responsiblity for their actions. What changes might we see if we thought more about our choices? To conquer evil, one must open the gates to a good world through their own heart.

The tools of happiness reside within,
we only need unlock within ourself
the power of Love.

nothing is gonna change my love for you

Thursday, August 9, 2007

No Clear Cut Rules....

Children react differently to the same situation, there are many reasons for the variance. There is so much emphasis put on birth order, but the age that a child witnesses violence is responsible for their comprehension as well as lack of it.
Most parents will say "I treated all my children the same," but no two time periods are the same nor is the issues that arise in life identical. There fore each child will view life with a different perspective as it reflected on their individual needs.
There are some statistics through sibling analysis that prove on the average your sibling birth order will guide you into various directions.

First born or only children , over achievers, sensitive to parenting needs, more willing to please, matures faster, most likely to succeed, leadership, responsible.

Second born always feel slighted as if they can't measure up to the first born, so they become the opposite, and if more children follow in the family they may fall into several categories that of the second born or a middle child.

Middle children lack the authority of the eldest child and the freedom of the youngest, they fluctuate between being jealous to struggling for parents approval.

In larger families you will have a blend of children that vary on the scale as they struggle to find their place in the family line up.

The youngest child tends to lean towards rebellion, verbally out spoken with a intent not only to be heard but to make their mark in the family line up. Occasionally the baby for life and yet they seem to be given more freedoms then other siblings.
Responsibility at times is take off the parent and thrust on a older child to care for younger.
Many things can alter a child's actual position in life, the birth order is complicated by , how man children in a family, sex of the child, physical attributes, disabilities, intelligence and the overall atmosphere of the family and parents own order in their sibling line up.
In a family that falls short of stability and a healthy emotional atmosphere, communications skills maybe over looked, the positive messages that help build a child's self worth might fall sure of the encouragement needed to build a strong personality that is capable of dealing with adult pressures as life progresses.
When parents are struggling with their own plight in a sometimes unfriendly world, the emphasis on bringing humor and trust and the ultimate love into the home is tainted.
When parents are not being heard, then who listens to the children? The consequences of choices shall challenge the outcome.
Statistics may show a direct relationship between line up and family responsibility, but as you look at more families you will find that there are may who do not fall into the preliminary categories.
The Intelligence test measures only one form of intelligence a keen ability to remember, but I find that comprehension is much more important then how much you retain. If you remember a thousand books read but understand very little of what your reading then how important is the memory. A balance is crucial.
It is true that personality which is DNA mapped will also play a big part in how we view our parents and the horrid stories of childhood. My eldest sister for as much as we are similar we are so very different.
No amount of books or reading can bring a certain
measurement of and outcome, so much is effected by the surroundings, the nest, the love given or not, the age which it is witnessed and of course the inner strength or weakness of each child.
I originally began to write this blog because of my sister who has passed away many years now. She was the most abused of all the children and yet she never once complained, talked about it nor cried. I don't ever remember seeing her cry. She had such a fixed smile on such a beautiful heart and her silent cries continuously went unanswered. I am still sickened to this day as I reflect on the past and all that I had witnessed. If I allowed it to control me, I would be consumed with hatred for what my parents did. Though I seek to understand,I shall never forgive betraying the greatest gift given to a man and woman and that is of a child.

Children should not pay for the sins of the parents!!!!!!!!

As I write tears race down my cheek, for chapters that can never be erased. One thing is clear children understand much more at a earlier age then parents give them credit for. You don't need to be given an example to know right and wrong. My sister said as she seeked psychological help, I quit telling them the truth, because they don't want to believe five children went a lifetime in such an abusive situation without anyone reaching out to help.
My brother who still suffers paralysis also stopped telling the truth and he made up a story of a POW now that was believable to them.
I have always been grateful for my birth order, I believe that it gave me insight. The first question many who went to school with me as a child would ask is why did you shake so badly?
I had no response, constant ongoing abuse in the early years is devastating to children and alters the outcome that was predetermined by the Lord.
Working in a very poor community for 3 days for 15 hours a day has stirred horrible pictures in my mind. As I looked around at the young mothers who are caught up in a world that few will ever understand, my heart felt a ache. The young mothers gathered around as I tried to emphasize the importance of education, a drivers license and a value for their own life...... the tears I shed are not for myself but for those who may be caught up in a system that fails to see.
I am over the road for four days, I want to thanks those who dare to listen and make a difference in another persons life.
For children are the innocence that becomes the future, I weep for that future.

Friday, August 3, 2007


Sociology a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.(of a trait or condition) failing to serve an adjustive purpose; "dysfunctional behavior"

I really am not fond of the word dysfunctional, as so many people are , holding jobs, going to church, living in denial and they are store clerks, doctors, nurses, teachers and street cleaners etc.,they are functioning in their lives.Abusive situations are not discriminatory, they know not race, nor financial status and it reaches all walks of life." A trait or condition that shows no adjustive purpose."Well, my parents didn't think it was abuse, they thought it all fell under discipline " spare the rod spoil the child."
I find it amusing as a friend works with wealthy clients said "the only difference in people are the wealthy all run to the psychologist and well the poverty stricken run to a neighbor"..... some food for thought.

It is in silence that the loudest voices are heard......

I grew up in a era where children were to be " seen and not heard" "spoke only when spoken to"There was reference that children have voices that just aren't heard. I think silent cries go out in many ways. People fail to look or listen. I have heard my whole life how strong I am, I never for a moment felt strong...... It reminded me of the adage " If you act like a victim your a victim." I do believe we are taught early on how to respond to any given situation. Old adages that survive time, do so because they were common thought, that applied to so many. " " Walking on Egg shells" I learned to avoid violence by losing part of my soul....
I meet so many people when I am traveling, but there are always a few that manage to find away to pull at the strings of my heart. Though names come and go, their faces are in bedded in my mind like paintings that don't fade. Sometimes they were individual cries for help, other times just someone reaching out or the infamous saying " need to be heard."
Jessie had this biggest most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, her husband was in prison for beating her, and she lived in fear of the day of his release.... her last words to me were." Don't Forget me " another woman I met no names exchanged said " is it ok If I hug you, as she told the story of raising her three sons alone. The stories go on, but one woman stood out in my mind, age had taken its toll and she showed her years, mother to fifteen children. We talked for a very long time, but it was her eyes that talked to me the most. I saw a depth within her that moved something in me. I saw fear and a over all feeling of tired. I was privileged of meeting her and her husband and as she shared bits of her life with me, I knew the life she had lived. She rejoiced in the lives of her children and she cried for the part of her that never had a chance to surface...... I felt almost an instant bonding with these women, all from various walks of life, all had something in common..... their struggles and their fears.
I questioned many times the path already traveled and the path that lay ahead. Lord what are you thinking, why does life have to be so hard? The years build up to take you to the place your meant to be, without the experience the words are merely someone pre written opinions but not necessarily through the eyes of the people. I am frightened why have you given me this gift to see into people souls and write their words for them? My dearest friend reminds me almost daily of the imperfection of humanity. We are all fighting our own demons and they can show up any time..I find myself on all sides of a rock, days when I want to crawl under it and then those I want to stand on top of it and rejoice in accomplishments, and then there are days where I feel like I am behind pushing and still yet days when I feel in front of it as if that rock is ready to topple over me. You find that there is a network of people who understand and those are not the people who place blame or struggle to stay a float but use the inner strength to rise above and help those who cannot help themselves.
I set up for a big event last night it is in a very culturally diverse community, filled with excitement for the days ahead. Unlike rural areas that seem to separate people, this was different there has to be a broader acceptance of the differences, a mutual respect for one another. I feel the heat of the day already rising and yet I feel a chill. I feel one with the excitement and yet restless... I hardly slept the last few days preparing for the event and I am exhausted.... It made me think of the very first art event I ever did... number one question people would ask what if you don't sell? The treasures in life that we receive as gifts come in many forms.... and rarely are the most precious in a monetary form. I am bit a nervous today, restless and anxious...... what will it hold and who will cross my path and why? I should probably take a nap, but I always think just one more piece to put on display one more set of words, one more picture, one more chance to make a difference, if only for a moment in another persons life....

Though I stumble through life, it is the rise and fall that gives us strength....