Thursday, November 5, 2009

Caught in the web of dysfunction

I have always been bothered by those who place judgement on a victim who has endured long term abuse. The circumstances around each situation is unique to those who find them self in this predicament. One comment recently that still leaves sour a taste is that" the victim must thrive or love the drama. " This statement alone speaks of ignorance and how little those who have not experienced any form of an abuse understand.
Imagine for one moment you are the fly in the web, the hard you try to pull away the tighter the silk becomes until you can almost not breathe. What is silk web made of ? It is filled with an abundance of circumstances, fear, insecurity and a list of weaknesses that are yet to be revealed in each individual case. One of the main concerns I have is the erosion of confidence as well the lack of independence. The vulnerability which enables a person to be caught in the web may be triggered by ones empathy, forgiveness and in truth heart. Sometimes it as simple as our Christian upbring which teaches us to forgive. This in itself allows for repetition.
Is there away out? There is always away out. Sometimes we have to stop struggling, calm down and think our way out. The A plan reveals and alternate path, friends and family who are willing to help,other times it is not that easy, because we have to first work on our own insecurities and find the confidence to stand on our two feet. It is not always as easy as it sounds. The web is a tricky trap, because it is being spun way before you know your even trapped. This is the first step which I call circumstance it leads you in the direction of the web.
I myself have battled the web of dysfunction. Because there is no one way or right way to find that freedom, the road can be treacherous and long. There are many factors that come into play and each must be weighed out. What is right for the individual and the others involved in an extensive part of the release, timing, education, knowledge, confidence and alternatives. Just a few the factors that must be in place as we prepare to make a turn in the journey.
There are for sure very violent cases and these to must be thought out. Having a birth certificate ssn for yourself and your children are the first steps in breaking away. I was surprised for many this was a difficult endeavor as many are stripped of the initial paperwork. Which now days you can apply online. With that in mind there are organizations that are willing to help in bringing back to your life a sense of independence. The many women I have met fall into all age groups. Out here where I live the first thread of the web consist of isolation. Many have no access, to friends, family, transportation or the technology of phone. Hard to believe in this day age that so many are so controlled. There are many women who have accepted the path of a control freak, this to is a form of survival and sometimes the only life a person will ever know.
Rule number one there is no right or wrong, no judgement placed on a victim. How and when they reach for help is as important as the fact they did. Education is golden and to remove the threat of the web, we must first remove each thread of dysfunction one piece at a time.


Gail said...

You continue to enlighten and to advocate by your wise posts so the less informed can perhaps understand the effects of abuse. Long term effects! And you are SOright - there is NO right or wrong way to go about ones healing journey - nor is there a right time or a better time or any time other than the time that makes sense to the person deciding WHEN it's time!!
Your work here is so valuable and I applaud your commitment.
Love and hope

Children with out voices said...

Hi Gail,
Always good to see you! I think because I lived it and it gives insight that a person who never experienced domestic abuse could never relate to. I don't know a time when I didn't have to deal with. Born in to a violence and abuse, though I consistently wanted to run away, instead I adjusted to the world I lived in. I was aprox. ten years old when I knew that this world of mental health was not right or acceptable behavior. It takes its tool not only emotionally but physically the body reacts to the stress. I so wanted to bring change to the world in a form that made mental health less of a taboo.
I never imagined that my adult life would have many of the same experiences that I had gone through as a child. I knew better how could this be happening. Adapting in the sense that I learned to avoid pushing buttons and also to calm the savage beast allowed me to exist in a world that no one should.
In reaching out to help others, as helped me in the healing process. I don't dwell on the past, I feel as if I digested it and my survival is on today.
There are many things missing in my life, I crave the comfort and support that I myself had lived years upon years without.
I use to say that the tears were always behind my eyes and though I am known for laughing, the tears are always there.
You are a very nice person and I thank you for stopping by and sharing with me.
Sometimes the sadness is overwhelming, as if every step forward reveals a step back. I guess it is because all the experiences are part of who I am, I can't strip that from being.
I don't think he understand how much he hurts me.