Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thanks Gail. mental health

Gail recommended this website and after reading a good bit of it, I think it is one worth recommending. Though much of it is about helping directly those who are mentally ill. I did find that they offer information for those who deal with mental issues, of either parents or siblings.
It is not about comparing apples to oranges, though of course their are different degrees of mental health. Dad had his mental disability diagnosed from the Veterans and though he did get treatment, his mental health issues became my mothers and became ours. Sadly enough, a whole family is affected by the actions of one.

My sister doesn't have computer access and though I myself have worked through much of the issues that we lived with and have found and outreach she has not. Unfortunately she is reliving it through tapes and newspaper clippings and so for her the information you provided will help her in many ways. That she is not alone and she can surface above the hauntings of the past.

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=70800

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Mental Health and Abuse


Living with mentally ill parents. Mental health issues are unlike any other illness. Unlike a physical illness you can't see it and unlike drugs and alcohol, you have no crutch in which to place blame. To the outside world many mental health issues go unknown. For the children of the mentally ill, It has best been described as a war zone with no obvious sides.
Since schizophrenia seems to involve multiple genes, it's certainly possible to inherit only some of them and be affected in a different way. Other conditions such as depression, panic disorder, Asperger's or Autism, or even extraordinarily low self esteem seem to be common among children of parents with schizophrenia. This could be related to genetic inheritance, the general stress of being a primary caregiver to a mentally ill parent, or a combination of factors.


Some children also exhibit symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the result of, as one child who grew up with schizophrenic parents, "growing up in a war zone with no training, no army behind us, [and] no rules."

It's very important for children of mentally ill parents, whether they are formally diagnosed with a disorder or not, to get support for their own difficult situations.

There is also a fear that the apple don't fall far from the tree and that mental illness is contagious or our genetic might predispose us to this mental health weakness.

Whether we are entering a relationship or we are an individual caught up in mental issues, some tabu's need to be removed.

1. Mental health many times has no warning signs and than

again smart people have mental heath issues. .

2. Loyalty to family is not a form of condoning, sometimes

it is guilt, fear and love for family.

3. Social skills, Being shut off from so called normal people produces both physically and psychologically issues,what is normal?

4. Life skills, are sometimes as simple as how do we respond to

negative situations or simple everyday ones.

5 Mental health issues are not contagious but can predispose us to extreme situations of anger, depression and stress.

6. . Fear: Fear of becoming like the ill parent, or fear of becoming ill themselves this may alter their own lives.

7. Love or to not love a parent, to forgive or to not forgive.

Children of mentally abused parents carry an extreme burden that few would undestand unless they themselves grew up in a mental ill family. Secrets that stay hidden in the closet and others that are never so easily hidden all play a nasty game on children.

Who is the enemy? who are we at battle with? who do we love?

what is normal? Can we forgive? how do we remove the stigma

of mental health? Is there a cure? Why me? Can it happen to you?

Sometimes we are predisposed genetically, other times it's social factors as well as circumstances and others factors as time and place.

My mother chose to take her life, she had 4 children and she didn't know where to turn for help. She jumped form the 16th street bridge , the children live her sin.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Giving Advice.

There is a horrible similarity in many of these stories below they were all trying to divorce, get away or somehow break the cycle of abuse. If I have one goal it is teach to people to be aware of an abuser before stepping into a relationship with one. That overly doting personal just maybe one of the first signs, but there are many red flags. Which we will list at a later date.
This to people who freely want to tell people what to do, many including my own sister took others peoples advice to get out of their present situation and following that advice ended up dead in one way or another, unless you are willing to open your home and keep a person in hiding for some time, advice on how stupid a person is for staying or how they love the drama or that they some how want the abuse, will not be accepted here on this blog.
NO one ask to be abused, No One wants to be pushed around hit, called names forced into sex, everyone does't have the same options in getting out. I am reluctant to mention blogs or particular people, you know who you are and hopefully before you point fingers and put the blame on the victim, you read the countless stores of men and women who tried to get away and succeeded in only to be killed. Lots of Advice not always good advice, that doesn't mean we stay in a situation and take abuse it means every answer is unique to each person.
Remember the old carpenter tool measure twice ,c cut once, think before you give advice, think twice.
There are options and alternatives to seeking family counseling and professional advice, it isn't always black and white.


Tammy Gail Hanna Morris
Beloved Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend...."Our Angel In Heaven"
March 13, 1959-June 21, 1981
Stalked and shot to death by the husband she was divorcing. His statement at the time of his arrest: "If I can't have her, no one is going to."

Janne L. Walters
August 3, 1957- September 13, 1998
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Mother, Grandmother and Best Friend
Janne's neck was broken when she told her abusive boyfriend to move out. Dearly loved and always missed.

Richard G. "Rick" Whitcomb, Jr.
May 10, 1972- January 19, 1996
"Rick was murdered by his abusive ex-girlfriend, Vickie L. Frost, 5 days after he ended their relationship. She stabbed him once in the chest, severing his left ventricle. He was pronounced dead less than an hour later. She was sentenced to only 7 - 25 years for taking his precious life. Rick is "Home Free" in heaven and we look forward to the day when we will see his smiling face once again."

Anna Mae Cox
Mother, Mema, Daughter, Sister and Believe

Rachel Susan Miller
Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend
May 27, 1970- April 26, 2000
Stalked and Battered by her first husband. She was called home to God 13 days after the brutal assault. Bruce Daniels changed his plea to guilty to charges of murder before trial was to begin and was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Complete transcript of Bruce Daniels Interview with the police is linked below, as is the transcript of his hearing where he changed his plea to guilty. Rachel leaves behind a daughter, two sisters, three brothers and countless friends who miss her very much.

Christopher Nicolas Miller, Unborn Child
Rachel Miller was pregnant with Baby Christopher when Rachel was murdered. Bruce Daniels received no punishment for killing Christopher because of a technicality.

Tyler Edmond Daniels Miller
May 17, 1989- June 11, 2001
Beloved Son, Brother, Nephew, Cousin, Friend
Killed himself because he could not bear the pain of his mother's murder from Domestic Violence by his biological father, Bruce Daniels. Tyler was 12 years old.

Nichole Francine Garrett
Beloved Daughter, Mother, Friend
February 12, 1969- November 7, 1999
Former battered wife, now deceased.

Brian William Craig
February 1, 1966 - July 3, 1989

Heather Lynne Williamson
Beloved Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Friend
May 21, 1976- April 19, 1999
Stalked, Beaten, and Stabbed to death by an ex- boyfriend 9 months after ending their relationship.

Matthew James Williamson
Beloved Son
January 20, 1977- January 20, 1977
Stillborn child, died as a result of a hard blow to his pregnant mother's stomach by his father.

Cynthia Rena Williamson
Beloved Daughter
December 23, 1978- December 23, 1978
6 1/2 month old fetus, died as a result of her pregnant mother being kicked in the stomach with steel tipped workboots by her estranged father.

Melissa Faye Lonon
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Mother, Friend
May 20, 1981- November 5, 1999
Kidnapped and shot to death by her estranged boyfriend and father of their children, when she tried to end their relationship.

Wendy Ann Croote
February 28, 1966- June 24, 1990
Abused Wife and Mother of a young son, pregnant with another son. Shot to death by her husband.
"She was loved and will always be missed. She will remain Forever Young. Love, Mom and Dad".

Baby David Croote
June 24, 1990- June 24, 1990
"Our little darling, we never got to hold you or kiss you. In your Mama's arms forever. Love, Grandma and Grandpa".

Wylea Estee' Smith
Beloved Daughter, Granddaughter, Niece, Cousin, "Lil Girl", Friend
March 31, 1966- August 19, 1994
Stalked and Murdered by an ex- boyfriend.

Desiree'Ann Morgan
Beloved Daughter and Friend, Aspiring model
July 14, 1981- January 4, 1999
Abducted and shot January 3, 1999. She died the next day at age 17.

Rosmari Elaine Celeste Pleasure
September 12, 1963-March 2, 1998
Gunned down by a male acquaintance in the driveway of her Memphis home.
A More Excellent Way, Inc. (AWay) was born in response to this tragedy and is committed to bringing an end to these violent acts that plague our community.

James "Jamie" William McCombs, Jr.
Beloved Son, Father and Friend
February 12, 1973- May 12, 1998
Shot twice with a .22 rifle and tortured by Anthony Allen Myers. Myers, along with his wife, Rebecca Lynn Myers, who is Jamie's ex- girlfriend and mother of his daughter Ashley Marie (deceased November 22, 1997 under suspicious circumstances), confessed and pleaded guilty to Jamie's murder in a hearing on October 27, 2000. Anthony Myers was sentenced to life without parole for first degree murder, 30 years for armed robbery, and 5 years for use of a firearm during a violent crime; Rebecca Lynn Myers was sentenced to life without parole for aiding and abetting murder and first degree burglary after the fact.

Lauren Elizabeth Hafford
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Niece, Cousin, and Friend
February 17, 1977 - April 13, 1999
Physically and emotionally abused by the man she loved, her husband. She left him, because he did not follow through on promises to get the counseling he needed. She was at work, talking to her sister on the phone, when he shot her in the back of the head at point-blank range.

Gina Marie Lupson-Holden-Young
Beloved Daughter, Mother, Sister, Friend
June 1, 1967- June 9, 1993

Shaun Edward Lupson-Holden
Beloved Son, Grandson, Brother, Nephew, Friend
December 1, 1989- June 9, 1993

Joshua Lee Lupson-Holden
Beloved Son, Grandson, Brother, Nephew
November 10, 1992- June 9, 1993
*All three, Mother and two young sons, perished in an arson- related fire in their home, started by Gina's husband when he doused the home with gasoline, lit a match and walked away unscathed. He was sentenced on October 10, 1995 to three consecutive life sentences.*

Kim Reilmann
February 28, 1964- April 25, 1999
Beloved Mother, Daughter, Niece
"Attacked and beaten in the head with a hammer; several of the 5 blows penetrated her brain. Her husband broke into her home only four days after being released from jail for breaking an order of protection against him. She lived on life support for three days before she died. All her family's love and prayers could not bring our dear Kim back. During her attack her step father went to check on her and he also was beaten with the same hammer by Kim's husband. He has permanent brain injuries to this day. In many cases there is physical violence from the beginning. In our situation, he was never physically abusive to her, not until he realized she wanted a life without him. He is awaiting trial for Kim's murder and the state is seeking the death penalty. Kim is forever missed by her family and her many friends. Her daycare babies will always remember Kim even though they were so young when this happened. Kim is forever loved and sadly missed by her four children, her mother and Aunt Toni."

Sharon Kaye Flick
Beloved Mother
Murdered by her husband December 27, 1988. She was stabbed 40+ times with an ice pick after enduring beatings all day.

Judy Beth (Jones) Coulson
Beloved Sister and Aunt
Murdered by her ex- husband. She was shot twice in the back with a shotgun and died trying to reach the phone for help.

Denise Robin Edwards
Murdered by her boyfriend.

Vincent Sardi
January 16, 1971- February 14, 2001

Friday, October 16, 2009

National Domestic Violence


National Domestic Violence Month is quickly coming to end. We hope that we raised some consciousness about Domestic Violence. Domestic violence usually occurs in the privacy of the home. By speaking out and supporting victims of abusive relationships we hope to encourage through education and awareness the viable options for victims. Sometimes it is merely addressing a problem within the home and other times it may be to prepare a plan of escape.

Survivors

There are different stages of abuse and various extremes. Treating people less than God intended is never acceptable. The most serious of abuse cases never really ever are exposed. There is a simple reason for that and it either stems from fear or a condition in which we are taught to protect the abuser. Until we accept responsibility in giving althernatives and education to children we will always have those diryt little secrets. I am priveledged to meet the people that I have and watch as they take the reigns and pull ahead beyond their own personal demons.

I want to thank Gail for her sincerity and kindness as she embraces her own journey in a road that has many twist and turns. Someone once said help comes to those who help themself, and this may or may not be true. It never hurts to have a helping hand.

Survivors, empowered by love to gain the strength to overcome.

What is Abuse? - A Warning List

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

  • pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
  • threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
  • threatening suicide to get you to do something
  • using or threatening to use a weapon against you
  • keeping or taking your paycheck
  • puts you down or makes you feel bad
  • forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
  • keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!


Why Stay? Time Might Not Be The Option.

It always amazes me when people place blame on the victim. Why didn't you leave? File a restraining order? Get a divorce? Leave your home? This site was created not to condone violence and surely not to place more blame on the victim. It is a very powerful negative force that works in an abusive family or relationship. The reasons behind this site are so important because those who step out are criticized. Imagine how many people live in an abusive situation that no one knows about. Upstanding communities, educated, but they hide it all very well.

This is a safe haven, no one will judge you here and if necessary will guide you in the right direction where you can find professional help . If nothing else here you will find other readers are caring and warm and will understand the pain that exist in the darkest corners of your mind.

Twenty four year old Anna Marie Lutz was murdered by her live in thirty eight year old boyfriend. You won't hear big headline stories, because she wasn't a sports player, politician or famous actor or singer. Anna Marie Lutz is one of the thousands of abuse cases that goes undetected until it results in murder. There is no excuse for such violence upon another human being, we all have the option of walking away from a domestic dispute. Anna lived twenty four short years on this earth and her time was cut short by one persons lack of self control and horrendous choice to strike out at a beautiful young woman.

How many women are caught up in domestic violence? I don't believe we will ever know the truth, for as many cases that are revealed, there are that many more that we will never find exposed. Some choose to stay out of fear, others think they can handle it, many feel there is no options or alternatives and many believe they have nowhere else to go. Pride and embarrassment as well as denial reveal itself when options are offered. To reach out in anger and hit a person you claim to love doesn't happen just once, it most likely happened before or will happen again. Anna Maire Lutz was not one of the lucky ones, she doesn't get a second chance to make a choice, to escape, to get away, to live her life.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Discipline?

How many times has abuse teetered and been taken on as discipline?" Spare the rod and spoil the child" Even though abuse was on the extreme side, I think it was the domestic war that made the most amount of impact in a destructive way. I am not talking the on going screaming and yelling breaking of windows, objects and anything that was breakable. My parents were strict, go figure " dysfunction with a cause" Fear we lived with fear, it had become our lives.
My mother had a clear love hate going on for my father, I think she loved to hate him. She couldn't get away herself, she clearly wanted him dead. Saturdays were the typical cleaning day and flipping the mattress over each week was normal part of cleaning up. My mother had a bad habit of leaving her chosen weapons for the week either under the sofa cushions or bed pillows. It was really weird, you know it doesn't belong their but your afraid to touch it. The list is so long, guns, knives, hatchets, hammers, she just wanted the man dead.
I remember this one day, I thought that the new house and going back home was a sign that the bad memories were behind us. I can't really tell you what they fought about, lot of times it was other people. My mother a people person and my father completely opposite. This one day, my mother grabbed my sister and I and threw us in the bedroom, my father was trying to kick the door in. She called his name out and said get away from the door, she moved the dresser in front of it. He still was pushing the door in and moving the furniture. She cocked the gun and she aimed it at the doorway. Bullet after bullet through the furniture into the door. We stayed in the room with her till early ours of the night. He always left but he always came back. I just don't understand any of it. I don't ever remember talking with anyone about it. You know even as brother and sisters we never spoke about it. I know it was normal, but I can almost say I didn't know what normal was, it was the only life I knew.
The following day my father came back and he fixed the holes in the furniture and the doorway as if it was expected. He always seem to blame us for mothers episodes, " look what you made her do! It's all your fault" It is something how you learn to read people, the eyes really do tell all. We would go off to school and were always afraid to go home. You never knew what to expect, I am not surprised, the teachers always called me a dreamer, little did they know.
We were expected to excel in school, to have straight A's to be perfect little children. Speak only when spoken to in a very structured setting. How could this be, how could such dysfunction expect so much from children, such perfection in such a hellish situation.
It wasn't like the episodes were once in a while they were chronic, day after day, some days worse than others. My father was very afraid of the system, afraid of his own mental issues. He use to threaten us regularly that if anyone ever knew that we would be taken away and never heard from again that it would all be our fault. It is not like the system didn't know, its documented in all the papers, the violence, the suicide, the consistent calls from neighbors for the police. The system knew they even sent social workers to the house. Well they didn't find anything wrong, the house was clean, we were dressed well, there was always food, nothing appeared out of normal. There we stood five children well dressed in a row, quiet, well behaved.
Were we children that fell through the cracks? Did the system not know what to do about it? Can you only help those who want help? I am not sure, there was a big age gap, so my brother and sister were the role models, the housekeeper, the cook, the baby sitters, they filled all the roles that you would expect parents to. They kept the secrets of their pain well hidden.
I remember really cold nights with no heat and only the tics that my mother use to sew. She would sit in the rocker chair her mind a million miles away and she would just sit and sew and sew. My mother she not only went to the doctors for medicine for herself but she also gave the symptoms of my father so she would get medicine for him. Oh the games they played. I try to think what set them off, sometimes it was absolutely nothing. But a calm could become a madness really quickly.
My eldest sister went to court and filed forms for legal emancipation she was fourteen, she gained her freedom by demonstrating her financial independence as well as a place to live. My parents were furious and battled to get her back, once home they beat her so badly she could not walk not sit. She had health issues, she suffered from a kidney disease and that is one of the few things my parents did provide was medical help. She again moved out and I remember the quarelling and the ugliness. We lived by the river at this time, but we were always moving, every year another place, none of them were home. In a huge argument my each parent blaming the other until my mother yelled enough, enough! She took a knife from the kitchen he tried to hold her back and the knife entered his stomach. Wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last but it was one of the most serious, he lay out in front of the house nearly bleeding death. My brother and sisters stuffed the wound with bread. The ambulance was summoned and he denied any domestic abuse, he said he was attacked by a stranger.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Suicide

The story really picks up from mothers view, when asked why she married my father. They were from the opposite side of the tracks, my mothers family well educated, shop owners and professors. My father has lot his father at a very young age, he was twelve years old when his father died from health reasons that were never really clear. Released from the military he gave to my mother a diamond ring, she gave it back to him, telling him she was not ready for a relationship with him or anyone else. He didn't take no for a answer, he said the rings is yours do what you want with it, I don't want it back. Telling everyone in the neighbor they were engaged, it kind of spun out of control. My mothers family was not to happy and the thought of a marriage disappointed all of them. Aware of their nonacceptance of him, just led more to his insecurities. My mother said she was aware that something wasn't right but not sure what it was. His behavior erratic, on their first date he left her in the middle of the movie.
She still had not recovered from the death of her father and again she was asked to wed. After several refusals it was almost as if she gave in. She cared about him but she did not have a passion of love for him. He was stalking, there when she was out of work, in the morning when she went.
Soon there would be a wedding, despite her closeness to her family she went through with the marriage. There were fights at the wedding and he made her return gifts because he felt they were to expensive and were given to shame him. Throughout the marriage it would be the first of many battles his insecurities and love for her mother and family. She used her inheritance and bought them a new house, car and everything they needed.She was use to living in a life style she had become accustomed to. Her now husband, unemployed and not seeking employment placed a burden once the inheritance began running out.
Within a few short years, she lost her father and her first child, the baby brought to term died and though it was laid out at the wake and had a headstone but I never knew why it died. There really was the usual pattern of dysfunction setting in. My father began to isolate my mother, keep her from family. She had recovered from the loss of the first born son and she was again pregnant. As I listen to her tell of unhappiness and disappointment in the marriage, I saw a parallel to my own. It was as if I was going back and forth time, comparing the different stories of our life.
I do believe she suffered from a severe case of postpartum depression as well as dealing with my fathers own mental health issues. Some were relatively minor forms of anxiety and various problems with coping from the war. Uncle Stan he managed to get my father a job with the teamsters and it seemed that it would life the heaviness that comes with the financial woes. She had four children relatively close in age before I was born. It seemed to the outside world as if this was a fairytale marriage.
It was the early 60's when my father became ill, he had a blood infection that hadn't gotten out of control. A false sense of pride and ignorance surfaced and he refused to even apply for aid from the teamsters. First they couldn't pay the fuel bills, no heat, no electric and the children would get dressed by candle light for school. Everything started to slowly crumble. It wasn't as if my father was all so sweet before this happen. What he called discipline was extreme beatings. I think he got off on creating different tools to whip with. There was the razor strap, which was leather straps all nailed to a paddle and the wooden paddle which had holes drilled through them. He named them, hung them in plain sight and never failed to use them. My brother was a calm spirit he never seem to have a violent bone in his body and yet that angered my father even more. Dressing him in little girls dresses his punishments were rather bizarre, sometimes they were to kneel on rock salt in a dress for ours, he seem to like to place us in corners. We would stand so long at times until we would almost fall asleep, if you didn't stand up he would just beat with the razor strap. Bruises, nah it was more than bruises, bleeding, outline of the buckle has it split open the legs. The girls all use to put on dark tights even in the summer tight and were instructed to wear them through gym class. My mother never took to his outburst on the children and the pet dog duke. From near choking him to beating him, crushing his head in the doorway. He was obnoxiously violent on children and animals alike.
Day or night it never seem to matter my parents were fighting and fighting, loud arguments until my mother would start breaking everything in sight. Than early in the am he would call us all out of bed,stand us in a row and say look what you have done to your mother, you have made her upset. My eldest sister she did get a lot of the responsibility but we are made to clean up the broken glass. Sometimes it was windows, the china closet, dishes, pictures. Violence was on the rise my mother rebelled, she was under doctor prescribed meds, but I am not sure what stroke her spirit to become so violent. She use to scream I rather go to jail than live like this. Restraining orders made very little difference, he would leave and come back in the middle night. I can't tell you how many ways she tried to kill him, she nearly succeeded several times, each time he ended up in the hospital he refused to admit that it was my mother who struck out at him in such a violent way.
The episodes became closer and closer together and always a little more bizarre. From her own bouts with depression and her extremes inability to deal with stress caused her to not handle life well at all. She tried various ways to take her own life and my father blamed that for the reason he didn't return to work. He said she shamed him so that he couldn't face the men at work.
It was her last attempt when she jumped off the bridge, that she became the only woman to have jumped and survived. Her injuries severe landed her in a mental hospital.





Domestic Abuse,

I find there to be Irony in the fact that people know when they are wrong and still continue on a journey of dysfunction. I really don't have memories of my mother before the age of ten. I have seen pictures of her, but I don't relate to the woman. I do remember that her eyes gave away her emotions and that when she knew it was going to be bad, she would say to my eldest sister get the children out of here they don't need to see this. I guess that is why we spent a lot of time down by the river or in the city park.
My father had tape recorded his memories as far back as the death of first child. When he passed away my sister held on to the tapes. She called me troubled and rambling. I said why would you want to listen to them, when we lived them. Let it go! She is not one to let much of anything go. My parents weren't drinkers, my mother would have a social drink maybe once a year. Her vice was condoned, it was medical prescriptions. A rather bizarre situation as my father was extremely violent with the children and my mother with him. Some kind of off the wall circle that encouraged viscous and uncontrollable behavior between them.
Looking back as an adult I now understand more about the social sins of mental health. The time in which they lived and how little is known about the deprivation of the brain and its need for a source of nutrition, health and well being.
Some stories were repeated over and over so many times, between strangers, newspapers and my father, that what we didn't witness we felt we did. Sometimes we saw the blood,sometimes not but the fall out was always there. There is no condoning such violence and as I tell my sister to let it go, I don't ask her to forget but to blow it in the wind, is to free her soul.
I am not actually sure what set it off all the episodes. There was a blend of issues, depression, health and that led to financial as well as personal problems. Suicide was an almost acceptable alternative when you didn't know what to do. My grandfather had succeeded in taking his life,my mother had made many attempts without success and following in their footsteps was my only brother who or more than once had his stomach pumped.
Noise blocking out noise, that is what allowed me to sleep, to this day I need noise to block out noise so I can rest. My father looked down on me as the weak link, I think he didn't beat me because he didn't want to. He was afraid that I would be the mouth piece that would reveal the horrid stories of abuse to children and adults alike. Literally not able to stop shaking from a very young age on, it raised a red flag, Sent to the doctors they were told to bring some kind of normalcy to the home. When all that could be done was I was sent to a private school where I spent seven years. These seven years were a time of healing and though separate much of the time from my siblings I was able to experience a world outside of the daily dysfunction.
I was certain there wasn't any good which would come from reliving the stories but as I see it, there is a certain amount of baggage that needs to be tossed out. Not only is it to help in the final healing process, but also to acknowledge and reveal the hidden secrets of an abusive family.

My mother was seventeen her father had asphyxiated himself by allowing the exhaust into the car. She never truly dealt with the death of her father. She blamed her mother for his death, because she had asked him for a divorce. Though several stories surfaced, a few that he was going deaf and his health was ill. My mother was never really clear on where he was emotionally obviously he was depressed, alone and separated from my grandmother. My mothers closeness with her father left scars on her soul.
It was world war two and many of the young girls wrote letters to the soldiers, my mother wrote to several of the men, my father would be one of them. An attractive young woman my mother dropped out of school in her senior year. She took several jobs as secretary, waitress and in a toy factory. My father had become smitten with her and as the war was coming to and end a new war one on the home front would begin.

Monday, October 5, 2009

No Punishment is fitting ...

Responsibility for our actions...



Every step closer to hell reveals the weakness of our mind and flesh.



When choices are made and the devil appears,
all that you'll find is sorrow, heartache, ugliness
and fear, as each moment is controlled when the
devil appears.

May his conscience eat away at his denial,
and damn his soul to hell.


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