Friday, April 6, 2007

Damn Those Crocodiles!

The dictionary defines fear as -

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

Over the last few days my emotions have been bouncing around. I thought of how I allowed fear to control my choices through out my life and how it altered the eventual outcome. In my childhood years fear was the restraint that was placed on our hearts and souls. We were the ultimate perfect children. As I matured I looked back to see that in a dysfunctional family there was reign of terror in a moral setting, as if this madness was somehow acceptable, as long as we
walked and talked a certain way.
Maturity comes to you at a young age when your raised in such a disruptive lifestyle. I had a stuborn nature and at seventeen was on my own a child working in a adult world. Some would call it responsible, I felt as if the choices were being controlled by the circumstances that surrounded my life.
Married at nineteen I found that I did everything in my power to prevent violence to shed its ugly head in my life. It reminds me of the adage " you act like a victim, your a victim" . Somewhere along the line we fall into roles, expected or not, we play out the cards dealt.
Yes it could be called" walking on eggs "from day one I thought that something was wrong with me, that maybe what I felt or sensed was just being overly cautious. Without family support you find that you deal with life the only way you know how. Unfortunately childhood
had taught me well to play the game of evasion. This ability to avoid or escape a uncomfortable situation. In many instances I really didn't know what to do, we have this preprogramed dream of what life brings to us and then the awareness of reality.
I looked on at the man paths I could have chosen, each with a varied outcome. Yet somehow as I took it all in I realized that no matter what detour we take we end up where we were always meant to be.
Marriage is meant to be a partner ship but I found that it was more like a childs see- saw, one up the other down and so on. At first I believed this to be the support system that friendship brings to a relationship being there for one and other but unfortunately when the anchor tightens in one direction someone suffers.
As I took a spring hike through the mountains, I faces my own fears and felt the restlessness that was deep seeded inside of me. Feeling very different from those around me, I hungered for some acceptance. Who could see through these eyes and understand where I was coming from.
Fear had become one of the many faces, like the prism of a crystal. In the lights reflection you can see the many facets of choice and how fear controls them.
I faced the darkness........ A passage out of Dear Kim Blake

Dear Kim,

Most of the time I feel so strong I could conquer everything that has stumbled into my path, but then the insecurity sets in and my weakness appears. Thank you for being here, for walking through this journey of awareness with me.

As a child I raced for the light before “ the crocodiles get me”. At times I find myself still racing for the light in life, afraid of the unknown. This anticipation of danger that causes such a anxiety that it agitates the mind. It is control at its wickedest .Many times people who were aware of my background would say “ you are such a strong person”. I found the most difficult situations to be the easiest to handle , because the unknown factor was missing and I could logically handle illness, insanity and death. It was clear like a deck of cards placed sprawled in front of me. No question to how many cards in the deck , take out one and many questions. Fear the ultimate in control of the unknown. It brings to mind the attack of the woulda, shoulda and coulda. The emotion feeds off of what we can’t see and touch. The ultimate weakness with which all other emotions branch. I find that you cannot separate fear from its counter partners , that of risk,
insecurities , chance , mystery , madness, doubt and confusion. I have fought several fears through out my life, the fear of height and that of dropping a new born. Yet the greatest fear still lurks , the fear of test , the biggest test “ the test of life” on going and always in a state of metamorphose. Now that is the tough one, I can’t see it , I can’t feel it and it constantly challenges me . Where is the light?
Damn those crocodiles!


Connie said...

I couldn't have said it better, I think we all go through it.

Connie said...

I couldn't have said it better, I think we all go through it.

Matty said...

Someone said there is nothing to fear but fear itself. The only thing I fear is losing my loved one's. I learned at an early age to fake it till you make it (bravery)...and now I know because of all the trials and tribulations I went through, that there is nothing I can't handle. I just do my very best and hand the rest to God.
Adults are quite good at dumping their fears and insecurities on kids, and kids learn to please the adults.,at a terrible cost.
Yes, maturity comes at a young age, but inside still lives that frightened child.

pat said...

I came back to your site several times over the last few days to read then reread this latest post. It had a profound affect on me because for years I have struggled with this horrific inner fear.

Children with out voices said...

Hi Pat,
Thank you for reading and relating. I think many times we really feel alone and we think our problems are so different then everyone elses. Indeed they come with varied degrees of disguises, but the reality is the emotions we feel, the bravery and fears that we sense are very real and are not limited to a few but to all people. We really are not alone, at times we keep it all hidden like those forbidden " skeletons in the closet". One thing I am sure of the degree of tragedgy matters little, how it effects each indiviual is the ultimate pain and that has no comparison.
Again thank you!