Sunday, April 15, 2007

House of Respect

A mix of rain and snow is falling down upon the hills, periods of calm and storm so reminded me of life. Abusive situations feed on the optimistic personality. Speaking with my eldest sisters about abusive situations and those she could not break away from her response was “I hoped things would get better.”mixed with various insecurities and fears.
The more stories I heard the more reason incompatible people stayed in situations that were not healthy.There were no number one causes, fear fell into many categories, fear of not being able to financially take care of yourself, to the ever so common stalker scenario. Laws not efficiently supporting those trying to escape domestic abuse, found many haunting stories of those beat and killed trying to escape the prison of domestic abuse. The time it takes the police to respond to a situation leaves the victim in the hands of danger one moment to long.
Still some families fought to stay together due to religion and vows. Preached many Sundays in church that a family that prays together stays together. There compiled heavily on the shoulders is another weight of guilt, adhering to vows that are some how broken along the way. My dearest friend was in a very abusive situation did she love her husband? indeed she did, though his drug addiction escalated to uncontrollable levels, the out lash of violence leaving scars upon her back ,marring her figure and her soul for life. As we spoke over the years she told me of her reach for help. She talked to her support groups , her parish priest only to be told he needs help, stand by him and support him. One violent episode to many and she found the courage to walk away. Not many women are as lucky as her to get out of such a violent situation. Many people stay and try to work it out, they do it for the church, they do it for their children, they do it out of ignorance, for whatever reasons, they thrive on a clear moment to make it through the fuzzy ones.
Courage leaves a marbled vision, the courage to stay or the courage to walk. Every families situation is very different. It is the many times that we experienced through childhood that gives us the lessons right or wrong that we adhere to in our adult life. Many are very silent and yet fall into our own code of ethics, do we walk out on a person when they are down, do we leave a ill person to tend for themselves. I think we can only help those who seek to be helped and that we should not have to be responsible for those adults who do not seek help.
Some people condone the situation they are in, it’s not as bad as it could be, it could be worse and how do I start over or do I want to?Giving young women the necessary tools of confidence to succeed in life is the first step to change.
Whether you attempt to enter a relationship or marriage, the vows should read. I shall respect my partner and recieve the same amount of respect at all times, I shall give love and recieve love and I will with you by my side build a home on the foundation of respect with the walls of love and fill it with peace, passion and joy, the harmony will provide for a roof of compassion during the difficult times.

Where trust does not exist the future of a relationship will see it's untimely demise, for no foundation can be built on soil that crumbles.


Matty said...

Are we responsible for those adults who do not seek help? I think we are,,,,,I say we never ever, ever give up on anybody. One day, something we've said might just be the trigger to help them get out of a bad situation or turn their lives around.
Everyone has value, some people just don't know it.

Children with out voices said...

When I think of my friends and what so many of them have gone through, I think there is a time we have to stand up for ourselves.
I don't wish anyone harm but Once I was told "that if weren't for you I'd be in the gutter" but what if in reaching out to help their negativity overwhelms and pulls you down? It's something you have to think about, a choice that needs to be made. " Tough Love" Staying in a marriage that is unhealthy can wear thin.....There is always a certain amount of what if, what if I did something differen? what if I picked up the phone? After the fact. I remember the last time I saw my sister alive, I knew she was dying, I talked with her, I talked to her friends and I talked with family. She was way to young to die and she did seek a certain amount of help. Still her heart no longer could take the abuse from her eating disorder. My eldest was closest in age to her and so felt the loss very differently, for years she blamed herself for not doing more. She made herself sick to the point where she didn't function, not the average grieving period. Just today we spoke of my sister first time in 15 yrs since her death. Could we have done things different?, maybe. Every situation that we cross is as individual as each life, I see no right and wrong situations, just different. Though we loved each other as sisters we all had our own demons to face and crosses to b...
So many situations flooded my mind as I read your response. My father was a man who constantly was dying.. and yet he lived to be eighty years old. Two years ago I received a phone call, that he was dying and no one in the family wanted to deal with it, my children and I traveled to the city to help a man I had mixed feeling about and my children didn't know. His home was in unlivable condition, infested with critters I am embarrassed to mention. My children 7 years old and 9 years old cleaned scrubbed and sprayed as I dressed him to prepare to take him to the hospital. It has taken me almost the two years since that happen to surface from the situation. I felt many emotions, what if that were me, what If I wasn't capable, what if I were in need? It opened old wounds of the past and created new ones. It is who I am instinctively I reached out to help, but what if helping brings you down to a unhealthy level. It seemed like a storm in my life everything at once, dealing with my own family crisis, my father's crisis and many more. I laughed joking as I asked his doctor is this what I have to look forward to? with a smile he responded wrong chromosome! your safe. I can tell you this the worst part of seeing my father living in those conditions was seeing myself in his shadow. I thought to myself I would have done it for a stranger.
But this was no stranger this was the man that wrote the first chapters of my life.
"Everyone has value, some people just don't know it." It made me think of the statement I am known for making about the man on death row, "he is someone's child." Unfortunately who suffers the most for the injustice of society. I don't have all the answers, I do know that every time I read the news, it is filled with some really bizarre stories and I don't know if like you I could have such passion to help those perpetrators of such viscious crime. I guess I am not so forgiving,I know what the Lord preaches, I know that I am human with human limitations. Interpetation is important as people can look at the sky and see many shades of blue, and it's representation in our minds, as my best buddy says....." the sky is blue and blue it is."

PJ said...

Beautifully written Cw/oV. My take on it is this: if you're helping someone: the point of your own demise, 2.if it is taking a toll on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially,
3. it is for an extended period of time,
4. if you can't mangage your OWN life because of the time you have to put into this person
5. if the person is manipulating the situation in order to recieve help and does not respect your life, needs, and time,

then it is NOT HEALTHY and you have no responsibility to that person.

Basically it comes down to boundaries. Are my boundaries being violated?

I had a friend who would call me 9 times a day with her problems, always dramatic. But when i asked her to pray about my needs, she never followed up or would want to get off the phone quickly. She'd also get bent out of shape if I couldn't talk or had other things going on in my life. It was all take, take, take. And like a sucker, I gave, gave, gave. I dated an alcoholic for a brief period of time. I was being manipulated in a similar fashion. when he started to get violent, I got out.

I would help anyone in need. I give money freely, time, listening, hugs, food, you name it. When I know that the person is unhealthy and is using me, my boundaries go up.

The Lord says in Proverbs to "guard your heart". If He tells me to help someone I will help them, and gladly. But me and my immediate family come first (after God).

My two cents, for what it's worth.

pat said...

I really love reading your posts because they give me so much insight to the situations that I have and still am experiencing in my own life.I have a second blog called Childlost that I started a year or so ago because my middle son is an addict. Long before I started posting I kept a journal of my experiences because it was my way of dealing with all the heartache I was experiencing. I decided to share my feelings on this website as a way to let others know they are not alone. Many times I have been tempted to delete this blog because it sounded so depressing and I feared others would judge me. But, it remains online and I still write but things are a little different for me now because I have seeked help for myself in those support groups and with a personal therapist who is an expert with addictive behavior. It has changed my perspective on the addict. It has helped me crawl out of depression. It has also made me see that I had to change my way of thinking for my own survival. I still struggle. I still have indecisive moments regarding my son but I no longer worry obessively. I try to live one day at a time sometimes even one hour at a time. Many times I feel as though I am two separate people, the one who writes ajourneyintothepast about my love of family and history and the childlost who experiences the pain of a child lost to drugs. But in all honesty, childlost is not just about my son being lost it is also a reference to myself as being the childlost. My two greatest fears are insecurity and abandonment. And maybe one day, I will come clean as to why I fear these two so much. Thanks and sorry so being so long winded.

Children with out voices said...

Hi Pat, never need to apologize here, we all know we are but varied colored threads of the same cloth. It's what mother's do,they don't give up and they never stop loving. With my own son's I know the temptations and the willingness to belong that they face.
I always said I can't give you much but my Love and that I do love them, not necessarily have I liked all their actions, but I love them and that will never change.
I am glad your comfortable enough to share, as we share we learn that all of us face problems at one time or another. As Matty said what we are taught as normal may not actually exist,so what I have always said I hope my children grow up to be a functioning part of society.. all we can do is pray.