Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Child Who Would Become a Woman and the Woman who is still...

I shared my "children's blog" with a friend, it's not often that you reveal the layers of your life from childhood to the present. I found it to be some what emotional allowing a person that close to you, inside of you, inside your heart and your mind. I read through some of the diary like post that I had written over the years and it all seem to begin and end with the insight of a ten year old. I am not sure why it was at ten that my memories are so clear. It was a new home, stability, hope and the first step into adulthood. The house bordered a wooded area and I remember that being a retreat through all four seasons. I guess I was a bit of a tomboy and climbing the wild cherry and apple trees and hauling them home for my mother to make pies. In some ways you hold to those good moments to get you through the not so. I don't think our life was in any sense normal and I laugh at the word and my request to the Lord for normal.
The image is clear, I can see my childhood bedroom as if I were sitting in the bedroom right at this moment and gazing out the window. Through the backyard you could see the school right across the street, I only attended that particular school for 6 months. Patriotism, I painted my room in fire engine red and white and blue against the clerk at the stores opposition to it. I remember him saying " no one will be able to paint over those dark bold colors." What was so important about this time period, this age of ten? Time before that is fuzzy and very unclear, almost like still pictures that have yet to be focused in on. I woke early this morning and it was as if I was in that bedroom,it was that clear and my thoughts at that time were as clear to me as my thoughts of today. There was never any doubt in my mind that I grew up in a family who suffered from mental health issues and also that there was is still a stigma attached to it. There are those who will say that those stigmas are no longer there, I beckon to disagree. I have always been a bit prone to want to see changes implemented, those which lean on the prevention side, rather than waiting till a person and a family suffers before stepping forward. I guess that is a bit difficult to recognize the signals and maybe not. There are triggers in life that signal a individuals need for help.
The ten year old part of me is very important because it was at this time I recognized and understood the plight of my parents. Also it was when I declared that I would personally bring an awareness or make a difference in the world. Some dream for a child? but I do believe as I did those many years ago that we can change the way people see and feel and react to stress in their lives.
The keyword that brought the visual back to me was the word "hope" When you are young and through out your young life you maintain that hope as you get older you realize it is not all as easy as that. I have always had this fear of leaning on another person, there is a comfort that comes with that, you would think that comfort is good! I never realized that I had placed a shield around myself, invisible maybe, but it allowed people only so close, before backing away. Do they see me? Do they understand? Afraid yes! Afraid to not be strong, will they or can they make me stronger, can I lean my head upon their shoulder and relax and let my guard down, remove the shield? So many questions that you ask yourself. It is important the friendships we create, the partnerships we form and the journey that awaits us. Crucial is the need to feel that kinship, the acceptance and the walk side by side. Where one cannot only receive the energy but return the love and become a unity which is strengthened, independtly and jointly. Respect and love for one another and a common goal to make the world a better place.
What lesson had growing up in such dysfunction teach? We all see it differently, it affects us all in various ways, for me it was DON'T BREAK THE EGGS! I went through most of life, not breaking the eggs, tippy toeing, analyzing, trying to be perfect in a not perfect world, until I felt that world crumble around me. Be Strong! You are the glue that holds it all together! Am I?

With these hands I form the clay,
and the visual is what will stay.
Hope and faith in a brand new
day and a friendship that grows
along the way.

I am not afraid to hold your hand,
kind and gentle a part of the plan.
The Lord had spoken his words are
true and he redirected the path to you.

Confident in life I stand and rest
assured of the days demands. The
quest through life is to reveal as
surely as to the soul it is to heal.

1 comment:

Gail said...

I so loved being in your room with you - Annie is eleven and holding and adores the 'kid-in-you'. :-)

I, like you filter my world through the eleven year old me - and once I freed her and began to consider her my whole life changed for the better. I so appreciate and applaud your journey.

Love to you