Wednesday, August 15, 2007


It is true that we are responsible for our own choices, but choices can be marbled not only by varied circumstances but also by the limited alternatives. For as much as we are the same, we are so different and every situation that seems to shadow the next, is complicated by our psychological and physical position.
Standing still and looking back over the last several months, I examined closely my own faltering in the decision making process. Occasionally I stumbled when I allowed my heart to lead, and again when I held strongly to hope in others.
I laughed as my sister and I sang the song rescue me, at times through out her life she had wished that someone would rescue her, she responded to me as the song played. "I fell many times believing in someone else, now I must stand to rescue myself." I think we all might be guilty of wanting and easy way out, but as the old adage goes" nothing is worth having that is not worth working for."
I lay restless in bed, my mind moved visually like a television quickly changing scenes. I thought of the times the man I chose to be a partner in life had fallen short of life's expectations, or was that my expectation? For I know we set ourselves up for failure when we expect what fails to materialize. Yet a dear friends said many years back," if you don't look for more, expect more, work for more , want more, then you will find yourself hungering all your life for more. " I think I did just that want more, yet I allowed fear to keep me from branching out or asking, or at least trying. Then again as I heard the words" now is not the time in your life not for mistakes, it is the time to enjoy what we have sowed." I found myself once again in a struggle to stay afloat, I tried to understand my own failures and falls. How many times like the game of chutes and ladders could I climb up to find myself sliding back, each time a little further. I found myself wanting to run wanting to hide. But I had told myself many times " you can run but you can't hide, all of life will follow."
A marriage is a very difficult proposition as it takes two to form a strong union and we find that when we step on that podium of unity that we bring with us as they say "old baggage".No measurement or comparison can be made to what a child feels as they surface into adulthood. The most difficult is the lack of understanding or better yet lack of answers. I went into a relationship believing that each partner gives equally. rarely does that happen, I find life is filled with givers and takers and does not always balance out.
I tried to weigh out life, set it on the scales of justice and balance out the good and bad. I had allot to be grateful for and yet I still felt a heavy measure of disappointment. Sometimes issues were not of one person or another's fault but leaned more on circumstances, it was in a catch all of maybe it could have worked, but just didn't . One of the first lessons you give young children " look both ways before you cross the street" and as adults we fail to follow that same lesson to look both ways before we make a decision. Two people, different views, different outlooks, different goals. Trust is crucial in a relationship, without it there is no next step.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry I would remain strong. I find as we get older we remove the blinders that held us in place for so long. Everyone has various names for it, some call it midlife crisis, others finding them self, or the age of awareness. I know I am getting old when I know way to many adages, " lie to me once, shame on me, lie me to twice, shame on you, there is no third time. Optimism can be both a tool that shines a light on tomorrow or it can be the arrow that pierces a fallen heart.
I have this little picture frame that I keep on my desk, it has the little red choo choo and the words from the children's book," I think can, I think I can , I think I can" I always felt like that little engine believing that I can when everyone else says no. I said to my dearest friend," must be the rebellion in me , I love a good no. "
Sometimes I am disappointed in myself, for as strong as people think I am , there is another side that wants to lean on someone else for a change. Choices it always seems easy, but it is far from easy. Everyone is confronted at different times of their life with choices and can we blame them for making mistakes... for if the mistakes vary,are we not still learning? How costly this game of life can be.


I want to soar and I want to hide,
I want to run and yet I go back,
I want to scream and yet no words are heard,
I want to be grateful and yet I am disappointed,
I want to be happy and yet I am sad,
I want to love and yet I hate,
I want to laugh and yet I cry.
I want to understand and I don't.
I want to die, I want to live.

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