Tuesday, September 15, 2009

We can't let go of what is an internal part of our being.

I have heard dysfunction referred to as a roller coaster or the yo yo syndrome. The up and down through a cycle of good and bad events on an almost routine schedule. I might say I saw life more like a merry go round, you keep going round and round and waiting for it to stop. In all actually there is no beginning or end and thus results in the acceptance of the continuous cycle that abuse creates. Fear is away a major factor in our decisions to react or not react. We are taught to protect those who abuse us in away that seems to place guilt on the victim.
With the anniversary of my fathers death I felt an array of emotions that seemed confusing at best. It was that which people saw as love or respect for him that seemed to be the most unsettling. There was no justifying his actions, the cruelty in which we lived. With my sister gone for so many years now I quickly came to understand that I would never have all the pieces to complete the puzzle. How could her voice be heard? Who would or could understand better what we went through, than the pack made between us as children. There were a few moments we held to that were positive and we kept holding to them. I cried once after her death, walked into a walk in closet,where no one could see or hear and I cried. I cried that she would never grow old and that we would never get to make new memories.
Music and the secrets that was our bond. The music brought a positive side to life and the secrets tied us together. Ironically the last song we sang was new york, new york. It was the last time all the sisters were together. I can remember thinking without anyone else in the picture,just the four of us girls, that we were strong. Arms around each other and dancing and singing. I guess my own vulnerabilities are showing and the fact that at any time our life on this earth can be over, makes you take notice of the simple pleasures.

Da da da , da da da start spreading the news, I'm leaving today.
I want to be a part of it - new york, new york These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york  I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn’t sleep And find I’m king of the hill - top of the heap  These little town blues, are melting away I’ll make a brand new start of it - in old new york If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere It’s up to you - new york, new york 
Its a bit ironic how this song about NY became the last memory of when we were all together and now this place seems to have
once again appeared and sharing of happiness. Holds on to those moments in hopes of surfacing beyond the darkness.


Gail said...

this is such a powerful writing. I am moved to tears. I so love the loyalty and love and even the secrets between you and your sisters. In some odd way, even the secrets are precious. I know the secrets that me and Dennis kept. they bonded us in ways that no one could ever know.

And please don't think that I don't need your wisdom and understanding, regardless of how far I have traveled along my healing journey, I am still the walking wounded, fragile in many ways, and could shatter without notice.

Love to you

Children with out voices said...

Hi Gail,
There is a bond between those who can full understand the experiences of another. Thank you for your acceptional way of reaching out and understanding