Tuesday, February 27, 2007

It was mandatory family night out at the cinema, the children had chose the Disney movie “Bridge to Terabithia”. At first the movie began to drag a bit as it reflected on the ever so common theme of school bullies, but then it expanded into friendship and fantasy.

The imagination is a very clever tool used by children to survive. It separates you from the current issues. Reality can weigh heavily on you at any age, that I found, I still escaped into the clouds, when the stress of the day surfaced.I watched the movie and then my mind rotating like a pinwheel in the wind, scanned my own life for a comparison. Falling back to the years of childhood, I peered through the window of my own soul. I am not sure at what age I stopped at, It was elementary school age, but the constant moves,make it hard to actually remember, what age at what house. I can't remember anything except for the basement. I guess we must have stayed there for at least a year, but I cannot vision the upstairs of the house, no matter how much I tried. The basement was dark and cool, the floors were of dirt. My parents were on one of their most raging battles. Mother lived upstairs, my father down he had two rooms, one where he ran his television repair shop and the other where he slept.

In the room was a box of mixed matched tea sets and dishes. One tea pot was of the finest china, I remember turning it over and it said from England. Father was a ham operator and he we could communicate with people in Europe, sometimes they would speak in other languages and I remember the feeling of distance as I had no Idea what they were saying.

On the floor made of dirt, I set the tea set, filling the fragile tea pot with water. For a child who had siblings, I felt very much like a only child or is that I was a lonely child. Not instinctively the tom boy like my sisters, slim chance to get them to have a tea party on the dirt basement floor.

Escape, I found that when I needed to get away many times I hid, whether it was for a moment or a hour, but sometimes I didn’t have to hide, my mind was working overtime. The imagination creates the perfect world and your the princess. That's the reflection of childhood fairytales, as we reach out for the" happily ever after. " I explored the world through my mind
and this was the gateway to the perfect escape.

I spoke with my sister some months back and asked what she thought of me as she was very maternal and very close to me. She said you had a extraordinary way of blocking out what went on. Did I,? Eyes and ears open, you can’t help but see and hear. She said you very quiet, I thought outloud, that's because my mind was doing all the talking.

Meet me in the clouds, beyond the
darkness of the day.

In a world we’ve created, where only love
is invited to stay.

Dreams unfolding are magical at best
and when I close my eyes, I could be a
princess or a traveler on a quest.

Laughing and giggling, a sponge to all
the tears, as I hold your hand,
there is no room for fear..


Matty said...

It's a good thing we were given the gift of imagination, where else would we go to be safe, to construct our own world and to be at peace? I was told that as a child I had such a wild imagination, maybe I preferred it to the stark bleakness of poverty? I hate to say this, but it seems your mother was a weak person, beaten down by her husband in more ways than one. I hope none of her daughters learned this....to accept whatever happens. Controlling men still exist...and yes, its always the children who suffer. The wife makes a choice to stay or go, the children have no voice.

Children with out voices said...

In a era uncommon to divorce, my mother was raised to believe the old adage "you made your bed you lie in it." Which translates to "your on your own babe deal with it." She dealt with it the only way she knew how, restraining orders, police, so many factors were involved, but when your dealing with a stalker mentality, this outside intervention doesn't always work. Controlling... unfortunately I think they were both very controlling people in their own way. My mother was violent and when the sytem didn't work she took it into her hands.
I think she is related to "Lizzy Borden" lol you have to laugh, because the alternative is to cry. Many times I have been asked who was right and was wrong. I believe two people came together who brought out the worst in each other, but had they not come together, I would not be here to tell you this story. I cannot say I would have handled the situation the same way as my mother, as I am not violent and indeed would not have.
My parents did indeed separate and went on to lead two very different lives.
For all the suicide attempts and attempts on his life, they both lived into old age.
My mother succeeded in her own right, she went on to further schooling at sixty years of age and continued to work as a medical transcriptionist and also in the medical library. My father found himself a woman in life who seemed to be able to ignore his faults and except him and they had remained together for almost thirty years now.
The question again is asked who was right and who was wrong in such a bizarre situation? I cannot sit in judgement.... I can only say that I used my childhood experiences as the tools to prevent myself from falling to close to their footsteps.
I do question personalities, as my children say you know your getting older mum when you know the book of quotes, but there is one that "if you act like a victim, your a victim. " I think whether it's genetics or upbringing we are who we are, we can learn more, but our way of thinking I believe is instilled at conception. How we process it, and he we further ourselves is up to us.
Controlling men, look for women to control, do they do intentionally do that, I really don't believe that is so, I believe it is circumstances that bridge it all together. This I am sure of a controller is the weaker of the two, for he is not insecure in his own right.

Children with out voices said...

I didn't read what I typed, I meant to say, that a controller is the weaker of the two as he is insecure in his own right. In the case of two controlling people you have nothing but chaos.

Matty said...

My mother would say the very same thing, you made your bed, go lie in it...meaning, you asked for it, you got it.
I had a very controlling husband,,,who would fly into a rage for any reason, who was violent,,,,,but later, when we divorced,,,,,he lived with a woman who controlled him, and he wasn't violent to her.
You have to volunteer to be a victim, I stopped volunteering a long time ago.
I'm non-violent and brought up my sons to be as well. There is no right or wrong,,some people have the ability to instigate each other, perhaps its their personalities, they just brought out the worse in each other.

Children with out voices said...

A chill came over me as I read your response, first I want to say thank you for your honesty and to say you are a wonderful and courageous woman and your sons should be honored and proud to call you Mom!
I agree with you, it's not about right or wrong or weaker or stronger. It is about a mismatch of personalities.
When my eldest son married, I told him look at your marriage as you would any renewal contract and say to your self upon yearly renewal, can I do anything to improve, my marriage, have I treated my partner with respect and love and am I and my partener happy? and after that your either alter the contract to implement changes and renew or cancel the contract.
Life is really way to short, to be unhappy and its not about sitting in judgement, everyone should have right of enjoying the simplicity of life in a unharmful and nuturing atmosphere.